Overcoming Envy

I’m ruthless about unfollowing accounts on social media that make me feel bad about myself and blocking algorithmically generated content designed to push my buttons. It sounds easy and obvious enough, but so often we fail to pay attention to the pangs of jealousy, anger, sadness, and other negative emotions we experience when we’re mindlessly scrolling.

The Fine Line Between Inspiration and Resentment

There’s a fine line between that which inspires and that which inspires resentment for our current situations, and the line isn’t static; it needs to be constantly reevaluated. In the past, I negotiated myself into keeping people on my feed for years after I should’ve let them go. What if I need their tips? What if I lose my motivation? What if they notice? Well—this one actually has merit in the case of family members or friends, but that’s what the “mute” button was invented for.

The Influence of Television on Perception

Another sneaky way reality-warping perceptions permeate our brains is via the television we watch. Yes, all the reality shows with millionaires selling houses to other millionaires or wildly wealthy people catfighting are brain candy—but they also move our baseline for what a “normal” life looks like.

The Reality Check

As famed psychologist Dr. Julie Smith shared with me, “We get trapped in this marketing frenzy that tells us if we can just have more, be more, do more, earn more, and then buy more, everything will be better. In my practice, I’ve worked with all kinds of people from all walks of life, and I can tell you this is not the case. It’s just not.”

Turning Envy into Inspiration

Sometimes it’s not strangers but people we’re in close relationships with who spark that sting. In these scenarios, Dr. Smith said, it’s ideal to turn that envy into information, then turn that information into inspiration. “If there’s somebody that I envy, I ask myself, ‘What is it I’m envious about? What is it I want that they have? Is it their job? Their relationship?’ And then I ask: ‘How have they achieved it?’”

The Power of Curiosity

The key, Dr. Smith shared, is to get really curious and follow the chain of thought as far as you can, probing and asking yourself about the reasons behind your feelings. It can be helpful to truly take this step to its extreme and, as if you’re a detective, pick apart whatever it is that the person has. What specific steps did they take? What jobs did they work previously that laddered up to the job they have? Where did they meet their partner?

Humanization and Gratitude

Humanization is one of the most powerful tools we have in the face of envy. If possible, reach out to the person in question to ask some of your questions. It’s a vulnerable experience but a powerful one, and you’ll often find both valuable wisdom and a demystification of the shiny version of reality you’re perceiving.

If you find that you’re envious about something you don’t actually want, and the envy is just a symptom of a brain tending toward negative thought patterns, or you’re envious about something that you’ll never have access to, Dr. Smith suggested switching to gratitude. “Look at what you do have. If you’re not satisfied with what you have, what is it you truly want instead? It’s probably not a private jet or shiny hair. What are you actually missing, on a deeper level?”

Stop engaging in content that sparks negative emotions, and the next time you feel envious, don’t push it away. Instead, lean in and gently begin to explore it. What is that envy telling you? And how can it serve the goals you have for your life?