Letters to Brighid

Dear Brigid,

I apologize if this is abrupt or sounds weird. I wanted to write to you and begin a correspondence or at least an acquaintance. I’ve done research on you for years and know at least one person who is your devotee, I love her to bits and thought that anyone that she loves already seems like someone I should get to know.

My name is Lauren, and I am starting this exercise in hopes that through these letters I can get to know you better and that you might know me.

I am at a crossroads and I could use a friend and maybe someone who gives good advice or just can listen and bop me on the head when I’m acting like an idiot.

I don’t just want this to be one sided though. I only have my time and devotion to offer, at the moment, maybe a glass shot of good Irish whiskey on Sundays but I hope that is enough to start with?

If my attention is unwanted, please let me know.

I’m feeling really foolish writing this, I have doubts but I sincerely want to know you better and let you into my life.

I don’t view myself as terribly interesting, but I hope what I can offer is at least appealing?

I am having an okay day and it creeps up on me, I miss my fiancé so much and I have trouble believing it. I miss everything about him, even the things that drove me mad. I keep going back to that day and reliving how I could have saved him and every time I go back and say that there was noting I could have done. Some times are harder than others. Right now I am trying to move on, but it’s difficult. More difficult some times than others.

I know you lost a son to war and even if it was complicated, you still grieved for him.

So, you have some idea of what grief can mean. The best I can say is that I was there when he passed and held him. I still carry pieces of him with me, I wonder if you did the same with your son?

I didn’t want to start this off too deeply, but it’s on my mind and while I find it a little weird, it’s kind of what I do with those I really trust and care for. Share everything of me and hope they are willing to do the same.

I feel like I can trust you and tell you things that I cannot share with other human people.

I didn’t do much today, but I am so exhausted and overwhelmed, I asked for money for paying for a tire on my car, I also had other things I needed so. I am not going to feel guilty about spending some of that money on other things. I still do though.

It was 40 of 50 dollars on a mask, paper, a drink and donuts.

All of my friends are so generous, I feel or should feel so loved, but all I can muster is guilty, I know it’s irrational, I am grateful, but I feel awful for asking and even worse for getting when other people are suffering more than me.

I will accept the help and I will say thank you but I just would like to not feel so guilty all the time. That’s why I don’t ask for help often, it hurts too much.

I gathered up my courage and pushed away the shame but it still feels awful.

I’m going to try to not let this keep me from asking for help, J. is one of my heroes because they are willing to ask for help when they need it. I don’t think they realize how much of an inspiration they are to me, maybe I will let them know?

I will.

They need to hear it and I think, especially with what they are going through.

Could I ask you to keep an eye on them?

They are struggling and in need of some reassurances.

I’m better at asking for help for others than myself I guess.

I should give my grandmother a call, and my dad. It has been awhile and I hope grandma’s move is going okay. It is going to be hard for her, she is going through much the same as me, and I would have liked to have been there for her more, grieving together that is better than alone.

I’m feeling really intimidated by today’s entry. I got so deep yesterday that I’m saying thinks like: I better not write if I can’t do at least that much today, which usually ends my thoughts on writing right there.

I am going to do my best to do an entry every day but I want you to know that if I skip a day here and there it’s not because I didn’t have things to say, it’s just intimidating.

I worry that what I write here won’t be taken the right way or seem as useless drivel that isn’t worthy of the paper, it’s written on much less the ears or eyes of a goddess. I feel like it’s not enough. I should be giving you more than my time and words.

The occasional shared whisky mitigates that feeling somewhat. This is likely going to be an ongoing theme of these letters. I hope you don’t mind, or let me know if you do.

my day started early for me, I started making bread for the first time and it was messy, hard but fun. The bread turned out okay, well more than okay it was good. I’ll cut you off a piece with butter alongside the whiskey.

Does that count as an offering?

I just want to share my first loaf with you it feels like something you would like.

I’m reminded that I have such generous friends and am humbled that they would help in my time of need so quickly and selflessly. C is going through a rough time with her divorce, and J , her daughter, is coping but stressed as well. She just lost her job and needs to find work to support the both of them, if you could keep an eye out for them, I would really appreciate it.

I’m going to go and make me some tea and wash the cup for your whiskey.

I had a rough morning. I woke up from a dream where Vernon was showing me pictures, the first pictures we took together and I woke up crying. I meditated and had a moment where I was ready to start sobbing again but I got through it. I had the thought of what if I could go back and change things but I reminded myself that down that road lies insanity and I need to accept what had happened and continue living in the present. Not the past. Tesla, my cat, was snuggling this morning which I appreciated. I miss being snuggled in the morning. I miss when Vernon would kiss me in the morning when he would leave for work, I miss when he would kiss me when he came home and before he went to bed. So many little things I miss about that man. Being held in my dreams brings it all back but I wouldn’t miss them for anything.

Except maybe the real thing.

I’m getting through this, but it’s hard and the grief will always be there. I know he is in the Otherworld now and safe but could you look in on him and send my love? I love and miss him so much.

Ants! I am really starting to hate them. I have bites all over that itch and I really can’t seem to get rid of them. I have a way to keep them out of the cat’s food, mostly but I just wish they would go away or just stop biting me.

I keep my room mostly free of leftover food and dirty plates, but they are just always around. I also get a bit panicky when I have to empty the water pan that the food bowl floats in. Its gross and its panic inducing nasty water that has bits of cat food floating in it that have turned the water to mush. It’s one thing I would love to avoid totally and procrastinate. Which just makes it worse. I was nearly in tears when I last changed the water. Just needed to vent.

I’m thinking of making a carpet cleaning powder/liquid with vinegar in it, which seems to keep the ants out. We will see how that goes.

I am trying out this new blue ink and it’s more watery than the green for some reason. I really love the color but I will have to be really slow and precise in order to keep from smudging or bleeding through to the other side too badly.

I’m not much of a poet so sadly there won’t be much of it in here. There have been a few prayers in here so far and I feel like I can vent in here more than I can to actual humans. THe first piece of my loaves of bread still going to be going to be offed along with the whiskey, and I am planning my next public ritual. I need to get the box from K or tell K about my plans, so they can be involved.

I am really frustrated with K because their priorities are very different from mine and since I am not moving any time soon I can devote more time to the grove than I was planning on previously in this situation.

Finances are my big worry right now. I need to get my tire done this week so that I am safer in my car and work more safely. I have this block with spending money on practical things, I have no idea where I get it from but I need to examine that. Maybe I could get your help with that? It is something practical and right up your alley right?

I really appreciate you listening to me like this. I don’t have anyone who doesn’t have some struggle that I feel comfortable taking about this. I am not asking you to fix anything, I will let you know if I do, and getting out of my head is helpful

If there had been a way I think I would have hesitated, not wanting to overstep my bounds and cause harm to the quiet menace that held sway there, beyond the gate, padlocked.

I wonder if it is to lock them in or us out?

Or both?

It was a catholic graveyard and as someone who does not subscribe I felt doubly aware of my unwelcome presence.

Cemeteries have always been strange places, where the dead outnumber the living.

I contemplated death as I turned my feet towards home, both the abstract concept and the more concrete, recent, memory. All of us eventually remember the secret way into the dark, it’s an inevitable journey we take alone but hope to end in the company of friends and loved ones.

It is a comfort to know that we will meet again but perhaps not in the same way we met before.

It is a comfort, but it doesn’t erase the pain that loss, no matter how temporary, can create in anyone that can become attached.

I’m sure you, Brighid know something of what I am thinking or feeling right now, all of us mortals will go through this sort of pain many times, but every time is like the first and its own animal at the same time.

What also comes to mind is that another person who might feel more keenly what you went through when you lost your son.

Vernon’s Mother. She might not be the nicest person but I can only imagine what she is going through. Can you maybe comfort her, maybe in your guise as a catholic saint or at least send someone she would be more accepting of? It would ease my mind if you would.

No mother deserves to outlive their children.

I’m kind of in a melancholy mood, thinking about death and what comes after. It’s something everyone needs to think about before our time comes, mostly to ease the minds of our loved ones that are left to pick up the pieces. Pick up the pieces of their lives and continue on.

I had another weird dream, something about a queen being banished to another dimension by a witch who was controlling a little mute boy. I remember that the queen didn’t blame him, called him innocent, and he was black, and she was white. Like I said, it was an odd dream.

I got my tire replaced and need to get the pressure sensor replaced and the rim repaired when I have the money. I also had an email from Wag wanting my side of what had happened.

I don’t think I will be removed, but here is hoping. Not really much to say this day other than thank you for standing by me for as long as you have and for all the good you have done for me over the years, I’ve known you. THANK YOU!

I can’t seem to write in a straight line, it’s funny and kind of annoying. I think my had writing is improving which is good if I ever want to re read this before I burn them at Imbolc.

I wonder how much I’ve written so far, maybe by the end I will have enough for a small novella, but the important thing is getting the words down and devoting time every day to you, Brighid. It’s like giving a friend or family member a part of your day, by either calling them or writing. I will give my grandma a call today or tomorrow. Could you keep an eye on her. She just lost my grandfather, her husband and I can imagine how she is feeling and coping with it. It wasn’t a sudden death but it somehow makes it worse to slowly lose someone you thought would be there till the end. I’m glad my dad is moving her closer to him and I hope they grow closer because of it. I am glad my dad has G in his life, I knew we would need someone and am glad he is happy. I love my mother, but they were not happy for a long time. I am glad that she isn’t suffering anymore and is getting a chance to get the help she needs and I hope the next life on this plane is better whenever she chooses to come back. I’m kind of wondering if Vernon has met her and what kind of things they have to say to each other, not just about me but about life in general. I hope both of them are well, and if they have things to say or messages for me I hope they know I am open to hearing them or at least I hope I am.

funny in the otherworld they might have already come back. I can never truly know until I get there, when my time comes I will have so much to share and I pray, I get that chance.

I slept most of the day away today, and I feel kind of bad about it but I did get a lot of the things done so, I really shouldn’t feel as bad?

I should acknowledge what I feel but not let it overwhelm me and cause me to lose sight of everything I’ve accomplished. I ran out of spoons today, doing so much and spending my money appropriately. I am on track for paying rent, which is good. Doordash can be a savior, but I might need to find another more stable source of income. . These are just some of the things on my mind, I’m also waiting to hear back from and email about a complaint made against me. It should come in my favor, but I worry. It is the first time this has happened and its stupid and menial. I can prove that I am in the right, but it’s still upsetting. I may not have done everything correctly but I know I didn’t do what is being said. I just can’t get my head around how someone could be so petty. It is my livelihood and reputation that they are trying to destroy and it’s not like it was anything life altering, at least from my perspective.

Anyway, I just want to wish you a good evening and night, I will talk to you more in the morning!

I woke up, meditated, and browsed FB, and now am in tears. I probably woke up fine but right now, after doing those things, especially the last one, I am lacking energy. I have things to do and people to see but I have little motivation. I also filed for UI Benefits and it would be nice to get money every week that I need to pay bills and live my life. It it goes through I should be fine for rent and basic living expenses , which would be a change. It would take a lot of the stress away and let me take care of things before they get out of hand and maybe get me in a better position financially.

I want to get out of this hole that I’ve dug for myself and become more financially independent. It would make my dad happy and get him off my back . I hope the application goes through quickly and is accepted, I need that money and it would hep so much. Then once I am stable I col help my friends and out more than I have in the past and do more of the things I want to do, that travel and learn photography, and take more pottery classes. Vernon would be proud of me if this happened and maybe moving to Ireland 3 months out of the year would be a feasible plan. My first step is getting everything paid off and fixing my credit, then I can see my options for employment and school. I like having a plan I really want you to come with me on this journey, Brighid. It’s going to be hard doing this on my own but I know Vernon is rooting for me in the other world and I have you in my corner so, I’m feeling more confident already.

—

My step is heavy, I am not joyful.

Heavy the burden that I do bear.

That burden is a heart that broken,

My burden’s a load for three or four.

Last night you slept so close beside me;

Oh, love is the courtier of my guest.

Will you come back, shall I expect you?

Shall I ever be free to seek my rest?

This poem spoke to me today, I don’t know if the writer/poet was grieving in the same way or for the same reason, but the idea of waiting and never knowing if you will see your loved one again brings tears to my eyes. It’s pretty and sad.

I was glad to hear the online druid festival, Summerland, is starting late tomorrow and with my money coming in from FB I should be able to go. I was a little panicked cause, I thought it was today, but tomorrow is better for everyone. It also makes more sense and I have no idea how I got it mixed up.

I had to let my cat, Tesla, out because I think he was feeling a little cooped up in my room. He likes to cuddle at night but is becoming more social during the day. The festival stars late tomorrow, and I am looking forward to going for the first time, it’s always been in the east coast, so I have never been able to go. It will be digital, I hope this will continue past this year. It would mean more of us in the west coat could go and build communities with people across the country. The yearly meeting at wellspring will be more accessible to us which has always been a worry in the back of my mind. If more people can go than it might heal some of the rift between the coasts in the ADF. Who knows, we will see what happens