Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Changed Me Forever

Hello everyone and welcome.

I’d like to speak about my experience with cancer, not just how it affected me physically, but also mentally.

It all started in March of 2017. I noticed a lump near my clavicle bone, I thought... no.. it can’t be anything serious and just decided to let it go away. A week later it was playing in my mind so I booked an emergency appointment with my doctor and made my way there. She poked me a bit and asked me a few questions, the lump hurt so as I’ve always been told “if it hurts it’s not cancer”.. well that is not true. My doctor referred me to an ENT specialist who didn’t do much, again asked me questions, stuck a camera down my nose (not pleasant) and sent me on my way.

A week or so later I had to go for a fine needle aspiration, I was terrified but it really wasn’t that bad. I didn’t feel anything. The doctor took the sample, said she’d contact me with results in a week or two.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.. that seemed to be all I was doing.

The results came back inconclusive so I was booked in for a surgical biopsy, now I was REALLY NERVOUS. The day came and I arrived at the surgery clinic at 8am. I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink so I was nervous, hungry and ready to walk right out of there! I had to change into a gown, sit in a waiting room that was cold and bright white and get stared at by strangers who looked at me like I was way too young to be there. I sat down at 8.30am and went into surgery at 2pm.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I got a call, I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma, blood cancer. I can’t exactly remember how it felt to find out, even now it doesn’t feel real.. chemotherapy was horrific, I was so, so sick. I constantly felt like I was about to throw up, I had constant heartburn and fluctuating temperatures.

The hardest part was shaving my hair off. I didn’t do it because it was falling out, but because it hurt. All my follicles were swollen and to even lay down gave me stabbing pains in my head. My boyfriend shaved it off for me whilst I cried, I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself. I could see it hurt him, the look in his eyes is one I will never forget.

After 3 months, 6 chemo sessions it was all over. A PET scan confirmed that my tumours (neck and chest) had shrunk enough to not be visible and put me into remission.

Now, this is the part where things REALLY go downhill. When I was diagnosed I had to give up work, I was on sick leave. My pay went down by £1000 and I was paid a measly £380 a month, definitely not enough to cover everything I had coming out. I borrowed from family, loans and whoever else I could get Money from. Anything to tide me by until the next pay day. I’d already lost all my confidence and hardly went out of the house, only to go to the hospital.

I’m still off work now, I’m due to go back in a month or so. I don’t want to go back, I’m looking for a new job, I want to work from home as I feel like everyone’s judging me, I’m not good enough for the world out there. I’ve had to sell mostly all my belongings and I’m still unsure as to how I’ll get through the next couple of months.

I wanted to write this for ANYONE who needs someone. I couldn’t find much about HL when I was first diagnosed, I didn’t know what to expect at all. If you want to know anything, anything at all then please contact me.

I hope this wasn’t too boring!

Enjoy life.