Healthy

I always hear things like “go hiking…” or “go rock climbing…” or “go on a bike ride…” or “go for a run…” “…because it’s good exercise.” But why can’t I go because it’s enjoyable and because I want to? Shouldn’t that be the motivation for doing these things; because you want to? Why is it always about whether or not it makes you thin?

Being healthy is good but you know what’s not healthy? Obsessing over the idea of being thin.

Focusing so much on that goal that the aforementioned activates aren’t for enjoyment but rather for weight loss.

Focusing on that goal so much you begin shaming yourself for eating carbs and sugar.

Hating yourself when you eat a little too much or when you take a lazy day because you’ve been working 58 hours a week and just want to rest.

One of the saddest things in life is when being active is no longer fun because you’ve been taught the only reason for doing it is to lose weight.

When you were a child and you ran around the yard for hours it had nothing to do with what great exercise it was but had everything to do with how exciting it was. As it should be. But as we get older, that excitement is erased from us and running becomes a chore we must do in order to look good and please others.

Mind you, these things I’ve been told didn’t come from my parents. In fact, they raised me to think in quite a different way from what I later had ingrained in me.

They taught me that being outside is fun and the reason to go is to feel the sun and see the world. They taught me that salad and meat and healthy food is good but so is cake. They taught me that numbers on a scale meant nothing, it’s all about how you feel.

But when gym class started to be more about ‘run until you can’t breathe’ than it was about ‘have a good time playing sports’, I slowly begin to fall into the idea that being active and enjoying yourself weren’t the same thing.

In health class I was shown a BMI chart and saw I wasn’t in the green zone and from then on, I felt guilty after eating a little too much. Granted at the time this didn’t stop me from eating what I wanted but for many people it does.

And the school was just the beginning. I still see BMI charts and I’m still not in the green.

I still have people ‘joke’ about how much or how little I eat at any given time.

I still hear people say, “because it’s good exercise.”

I continue to be surrounded by things that counteract the teachings of my parents. Those things have changed my thinking to be something unhealthy. Just as they’ve done to many others.

The older I get, the deeper in to the rabbit hole I go. One part of me relishes the feeling of hunger while the other part is terrified by my own thought process. The thought process that says “if you’re hungry, you’re losing weight.”

There’s a continuous fight in my head as to whether I should reject that thought or live by it. I have yet to decide which I want as the victor.