Grief and Loss

It seems to me that “Grief” can appear in two parts of your psyche — one part is where you present to the world as being totally rational, totally together, no problems really while your second inner part is completely hidden and is screaming inside with soundless pain.

And the feeling of grief can present so differently for so many. While grief can be felt immediately, it can also be delayed for quite some time before arriving to take a late but still very painful bow.

However, grief can also make a daily appearance as a waking, fleeting pain-filled thought. Both aspects are completely valid in their personal emergence; but sometimes the form grief takes can also be somewhat surprising to the individual who may have thought that they had with finality, dealt with their personal grief. So when it confronts the individual through resurrection and arrives from a hidden depth after being triggered by a thought or memory or even a piece of music; new doors are opened, tears flow and fresh pain is felt. But as grief can be so constricting it needs to be dealt with to help us embrace life ahead. And having said just that; I still find it very difficult to deal with such matters. I think I have done so and then find to my disappointment that no, I have not.

And to be totally honest my grief can sometimes take the form of anger! Talking is good but putting words onto paper is better. Grief for me, takes root in my heart as a little black bag that alternately solidifies and liquefies. When it is solid it just sits there in a little corner of my heart minding its own business, but it can be activated very quickly — almost like it is on a timer. Triggered it liquefies and explodes out of my being cloaking me in such utter sadness I just wonder why? What did I do? How come? What can I do? Did I do enough? Could I have done something differently? And the last biggie, basically am I such a piece of shit even my own mother could not love me equally? This is a very big word - equally.

So a form of loss occurs whereby you actually find that the mother you thought you had was not, in actual fact your mother. She was a figurehead, just a shell of a mother - something you had always suspected since you were placed in boarding school from four and a half years of age. Six siblings, one half of a twin yet is you who is singled out for convent incarceration away from the remaining members of your family. So a loss of family times, birthday parties, fun and naughtiness; all removed. An explanation of sorts was available in so far as our father had died at the tender age of forty two years and it would have been so difficult for my mother to care for so many children alone. However the question still remains...why me?

But facing a bigger picture is the fact that as many of you would understand and recoqnise, loss and the very meaning of this loss coupled with grief can mean an emotional inner constriction if you like; a caging of one's feelings where to share is to open up and expose the reality and depth of one's loss. And if like many people, healthy or not, it can be extremely hard to share those griefs and losses that are ingrained from a tiny age. The inner explanations that when taken out and aired are not quite as sound as you thought them to be. More loss.

pixabay — surreal black and white

But what have I learned? — I have learned that Grief gives you resilience. And very tongue-in-cheek; Loss can make you a collector of sorts!

a.a.hardy

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#Grief #Depression #Mental Health #Writing #Creativity