From Darkness to Light

The darkness of depression has sullied the beauty of living for most of my life. It has stolen my breath and left me drowning in a dank dark world. I couldn't see the beauty of the sunrise, or the brilliant sparkle of the stars. I lived a daily struggle, always longing for the night when I could put the day to rest and sink into the oblivion of sleep.

This was the way I lived for years. Doctors drugged me. Sometimes I would look in the mirror, my pupils dilated oil slicks that I could get lost in. The drugs so numbed me that I could not even find joy in the magical drawings of my young children. The simple lack of feeling made me long for death; I no longer wanted to endure this life that long ago had turned to hell.

What kept me going? Hope for a brighter day? Light at the end of a dark tunnel? It's always darkest before the dawn? I'm not sure, but day after day my heart continued to beat the rhythm of life, my lungs continued to breathe in and out. And then one day I woke up. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked around me. The sun shone so bright; the leaves glistened luminescent. Dew drops, diamond glittered across the grass. I looked at my life. I had everything I wanted. A man that adored me, that inspired me, a home on an acre of land in Hawaii, a family created not from blood but from the heart, food to eat, a safe place to call my own.

This was a moment of profound insight. When my life was falling apart, when I was in an abusive marriage, it made sense that I was depressed. In that moment, though, when I realized I had all the things I ever wanted and was still depressed, I knew the cause of my suffering was deep inside of me. It was in that brief eternity of pure awakened being that I knew happiness only comes from within.

It was then that I decided I was done being miserable. I was done living in the darkness of depression. Each morning I was determined to fight through the debris of sorrow. No matter what was thrown at me I looked for the light. In each moment of suffering, I found a small joy that could ease the ache of my heart. And there were miracles in a million ways displayed before my eyes. They had always been there, but I had been so adamant in my grief I couldn't see them. Each beat of my heart is a rhythmic reminder of a greater existence. In the beginning, I looked for small things. A rainbow in the sky. A good cup of hot coffee on a cold day. A hug from the man I loved after a hard day's work. Laughter from a child smitten and in love with the world. I started feeding my heart and my soul. I listened to music that was upbeat and positive, that made me dance.

It has been a long journey. It has required an endurance that I never even knew existed inside of me. The greatest thing though is that I didn't need anything outside myself to accomplish moving from depression to joy. I didn't even need faith or trust because when I started my journey, I had neither. Not in God and definitely not in myself. All I had to do was make a decision.

It was as simple as that. Every day I lived my decision, and after awhile it wasn't so hard. I started waking up happy, grateful to be alive. I started having faith, not only in God but also myself. I began to live my life instead of dreading it.

There are many ways to birth new life, all it takes is a decision.