Day 5 of My 40 Day Fast: I Was Under a Love Spell for Years - Part 4

I can’t stop watching food videos on Youtube. When I fast I become obsessed with mukbangs, recipes, travel foodies, etc. I look up restaurant menus for establishments that I tell myself I’m going to once the fast is over and never do. I’m not hungry, but I can't stop thinking about food.

I was very low energy today before I started writing, and I drank water to power myself to do anything. I’ve fasted before, so I know it gets difficult before it gets easier. There will be good days and bad days. There is a great sense of accomplishment when it’s over. 40 days are going to pass whether I’m fasting or not, and I just take it one day at a time. The mind is a very powerful thing, and fasting shows just how important mental stability is. If I tell myself I can’t do it, then I definitely won’t.

I was afraid I was taking on quite the feat writing everyday of the fast, but it seems to be giving me energy.

You can read about why I’m fasting and being public with it by clicking on the story below.

This is a continuation of my last post. Click on the stories below to catch up!

My spiritual awakening is what eventually woke me up to the black magic I’m under, and all the spells my ex has been attacking me with for over 20 years. I look back on conversations we had in the past and the clues were there, but of course I never picked up on it. I didn’t believe black magic is real.

One time love spells came up in conversation, and he actually thought it was romantic to put someone under a love spell. I vehemently disagreed claiming that it’s a form of control. And what if the recipient wasn’t attracted to the sender? We went back and forth. I said the only people who would use love spells are those who can’t get someone, or want to date completely outside of their own league, and the conversation ended.

When I moved out of our apartment the conversations that followed struck me as odd. We met on the street to talk one day, and at some point he started crying. I was already feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt. I told him that he didn’t deserve someone like me, because I felt he deserved someone who could love him in a way I couldn’t.

Who deserves me if not you?

You deserve someone like you, and I deserve someone like me. We get what we deserve in life, because that’s the energy we put out.

I’m a bad person.

Why do you think that?

I did something bad to you.

What?

…

Did you cheat?

No.

Then what?

…

He told me I would move on to a happy life. I would meet someone and get married, have children, and be successful. I told him we don’t really know where our lives will go, but he was insistent. He felt that I would “win the breakup” and everyone would think he’s the reason the relationship didn’t work.

Did you see a psychic or something?

Yes.

What did they say about you?

I didn’t ask.

I was unnerved he’d gone to a psychic to ask only about me. It felt intrusive, like my privacy had been breached. He had gathered my birthdate, place of birth, and time of birth in the beginning of our relationship. He’d known where I was headed the whole time.

In a phone conversation shortly after I moved out he was pushing me to move back “home”.

I’m so confused. I feel pulled towards you, but I also feel pulled away from you. I feel like the rope in a tug-o-war.

If you feel pulled towards me then why don’t just come to me.

Because if I was truly supposed to go to you then there wouldn't be anything pulling me away.

I’m getting my karma.

Karma for what?

…

I was annoyed he was blaming karma, because he isn’t a believer in karma or God. He would laugh at me for being a believer.

It’s not even a belief for me anymore. You either know God or you don’t.

My spiritual awakening began when I was diagnosed with a severe gut disease, Ulcerative Colitis. The disease makes my large intestine and rectum bleed. I had to heal my gut or eventually lose it and have to wear a stoma bag to catch food waste.

I went to God for help. I hate to say it, but I only ever went to God when I needed something. I even made a promise in the past that I would be more devoted, but once I got what I asked for I didn’t follow through.

My path with God has been eye-opening. God led me to know of the curses put on my life and on my family. I only realized my ex was doing a lot of it over a year ago. The control he’s had over my life is unfathomable, and it’s made me wonder who I even am. I have been under black magic almost my whole adult life.

He’s been interfering with my healing, and because of that I have become very disciplined with my diet and lifestyle. It seems everyone on the internet has naturally healed their bodies, and I can’t. I have even wondered if he sent me the disease in the first place. If so it backfired because that’s what led me to God, and me fighting back.

All my love connections have gone awry, and it’s because his interference. I wonder if those love connections were real or contrived by my ex. The feelings for them sprang up in the same way they did for him. Has he been forcing me to go through heartbreak, because he brought heartbreak on himself and is too demon possessed to see that?

I know this all sounds crazy, but I’m dealing with a crazy person. He got influenced into doing a love spell when he was young, and the lower entities have been taking him for a ride ever since.

It’s a long list of things he done to me since I left. A list too long to for this space. Every time I have tried to better myself and build growth in any area of my life, he’s put a stop to it. My life has remained stagnant while everyone’s around me has grown, and I couldn’t figure out why.

All the areas he’s hellbent on attacking are the areas that I’m blessed in. He’s been attacking the one thing I am most passionate about in life - writing. I figured out over a year ago that he has a Google alert on me, so he knows when I post anything online. He’s probably shitting bricks right now.

When I found out years after leaving him I had been under love spells, I was mad at God. Why did you let that happen to me? I never had a relationship with God back then, though I was a believer, and because of that I didn’t know how to protect myself against black magic.

I also believe that it was part of his karma that I leave of my own accord, rather than because of betrayal. How do you reconcile being left simply because someone just doesn’t want to be with you?

I know there a lot of toxic exes out there, but I vote mine the governor of toxic exes.