Breathing Into a New Light

Heartbreak is excruciating. It’s like one of those things where you feel like you feel pain and yet you can’t see scabs to know that you’re healing. That’s what sucks about it, it’s all an internal turmoil. It was my first encounter at heartbreak, three - years later at twenty-five with this vision that he’d be my forever became a fantasy.

Like a melodramatic movie he had left me in the rain and that was when my life took a downfall. Getting wasted and drenched in sorrow - I lost myself.

I pulled myself together and self-admitted myself into therapy. I sat there, trying to be well-kept as if I had my life together.

“Do you think you’re prideful? It could also mean not letting anyone see your faults or vulnerability as if you have an exterior that you’ve got everything figured out. Not many people have everything figured out. You’re too hard on yourself,” exclaimed Doctor Juan. Sitting across from me with a stoic facial expression and cross legged while scribbling down things onto his little black book analyzing and observing how broken of a human being I actually am.

“I tend to self sabotage myself through pride,” I replied.

“That’s a great step, you’re acknowledging yourself as a human being. You are mentally aware and when you are aware can you move towards the next steps of being mentally-healthy.”

Doctor Juan looked at me intrigued to scratch the surface of my depressing state of mind.

As he awaited for a reply, there was an uneasiness that overwhelmed me. I got up to reach over a bottle of water from my bag. Suddenly, my vision began to blur and my legs began to lose the strength to carry the weight of my body. I fell into unconsciousness.

Moments later, I woke up in the nearby hospital on a gurney. Looking around me there was a nurse practitioner wearing a name tag with Sue on it while checking my vitals.

“Why am I here?,” I asked her.

“Hon, your therapist brought you here. You left quite a scare in his office. He was also on his way to the hospital and now you’re here,” nurse Sue replied.

“Alright, I’m fine. I just probably haven’t had much rest. I’ll just be on my way home,” as I reassured her.

“No dear, stay. Doctor Keith will be back shortly. He’s checking on a few things as you’ve undergone some testing,” she replied.

Moments later Doctor Keith entered my room, he was about six feet and in his mid thirties.

“Hiya Victoria, you’re probably alarmed why you’re here,” he said.

I nodded in response.

“Well we’ve got good and bad news, the good news is that you had a mild concussion from your fall, but we wanted to go over some protocols for why you might have fallen,” he responded with what started as a vibrant tone that took a turn of seriousness.

He leaned over to me with two fingers pressed against the side of my neck. A bit alarmed, I was preparing myself for what he was about to tell me.

He stepped back looking at me straight in the eye with concern, Victoria have you ever noticed that lump at the side of your neck?

I was so heartbroken I honestly don't even know what was even going on with me throughout, I shook my head in response.

“Well, we’re going to need to get you a biopsy in that area. We just want to see in that area if it’s producing cancerous cells or Lymphoma. Until then stay put for your biopsy,” he replied.

“Thanks doc,” I replied as if I was unbothered by the news until he had left my room. As I was trying to process the news. That could be possibly worse than feeling an empty feeling tugging at my gut from a heartbreak than cancer. I sat there with my thoughts and for a moment I did not let my pride restrain me and let tears roll down my face. It was the most human I had ever felt.

I felt in my core; what I finally understand that became the source of my unhappiness; loneliness. I sat there in the dim lights of my hospital room. I sat at the edge of my bed flipping through the channels on the television as I awaited for the morning for my results.

My hospital room door was wide open and it wasn’t until I heard a thud. I looked out my door to see where the thud had come about. Dropped onto the floor was this little black book just as what I recalled my therapist was using. Bent down to gather the little black book was this elder man in his late seventies in a hospital gown.

“Oh dear, my apologies for disturbing you,” he smiled and chuckled.

“Oh not a problem. What’s your name?” I asked.

“I’m Edgar,” he smiled while clasping his little black book into his hands like a prized possession.

“Hi Edgar, I’m Victoria. Would you care to have a seat as I pointed to a chair at the entrance of my door,” I responded.

“What a lovely name, why thank you that is very considerate of you,” he replied.

“So what brings you in here Edgar, if you don’t mind me asking?” I replied.

“Well, today is the day where I am enjoying my life,” he responded.

“I’m not understanding, you’re in the hospital.” I replied.

“Yes, I am aware. I had enough years of living to appreciate this ability to breathe, take steps and appreciate life,” he said in a quaint peaceful way.

I looked down at his little black book, “What are you reading there?” I asked.

“Oh this, this here is my life. It is every memory that I can think of that will be beneficial to my successor,” he chuckled.

Not wanting to feel that I had trespassed his space, he asked me, “And you, Victoria what are you in for? You’re a youngin’ did you break a bone?” as his eyes lit up with an unwavering smile.

“I wish, what started with a heartbreak led me to getting tested for cancer,” I said.

“Ah I see, a heartbreak” as he looked as if he started to reflect upon his life as if he didn’t even acknowledge that cancer didn’t have a vast impact on the situation I am in.

“I lived through those heartbreaks...and cancer too. Both are never easy. That is why the smallest things in life like walking and breathing makes you thankful you’re living. Just need to change your mindset,” he spoke with a grin.

“I honestly haven’t received the news yet from Doc till morning, but a heartbreak feels like someone pierced through my heart and left a hole,” I accentuated with sadness.

“My dear, that’s the beauty of life isn’t it. You’ve understood what it is to feel love and if it ends, it’s an experience you shall not take for granted. Most people probably haven’t experienced love instead they’re stuck here being injected like a lab rat experiment. Darling, you need to feel emotions. That's what makes you know you are human. Now the trick to living is to be truthful to yourself, your mind and heart has to communicate together and I know deep down you knew it wouldn’t last long with him, didn’t ya?” he again responded with a grin.

“I hate to admit it, but I knew, any advice?” I asked.

“You need to let it be. You live for you and if the pain comes from others, acknowledge it, but don’t let it make yourself lose sight that you should live for you,” he responded with a smile.

“Well it’s getting late, I must go. As for your results in the morning, rely on your faith and in the end it’s your mind that will defeat this whether you have it or not. A healthy mind gears towards a healthy soul. The body is earthbound, but the soul lives on,” as he said reassuringly, got up with his little black book and walked away. I found myself back into slumber.

The very next morning I felt at ease and took Edgar’s advice wholeheartedly. Nurse Sue came in and I asked him where his room was. Her voice lowered and took a turn for the worse, “How do you happen to know Edgar?,” she asked.

“He sat there and came into my room last night,” I replied as I was pointing to the chair.

“Dear, the day you were admitted to the hospital. He passed away. Which was why your therapist also took you in that day. Doctor Juan also received a call from the hospital about his father,” Nurse Sue replied.

Tying the similar little black book together, I finally understood I had been speaking to a spirit. A bit shocked that I had been given advice by a ghost, my world had been shaken up as I was moments away from knowing my fate for my future.

A knock on the door had struck, “Hi, may I come in?” exclaimed Doctor Juan.

“Oh, hi Doctor Juan. Thanks for bringing in. What are you doing here?” I said startled.

“I came by to gather my dad’s things, and I wanted to see how you’re doing,” he replied.

“Thank you, I’m doing well,” I replied as I started to question if it was the right time to tell him I saw his father’s ghost.

“Alright Victoria, I’ll see you in our next session” as he started to take a foot forward to his way walking out the door, instead he took a step back holding the little black book in his hand.

“Actually, Victoria I had a question to ask. Did you ever meet my dad? It’s quite odd because I have this little black book that he had given me during my last visit here. He told me to pay attention to the very last page. He had written your name and said that a donation should be towards you. You see my dad is a philanthropist and had funded this hospital for cancer research - he had left a remarkable sum under your name and wanted you to find yourself in a place of pure happiness,” he questioned.

Tears started rolling down my face, “Doctor Juan, I met your father and he sat in that chair there. We had a chat about life and what it means to be blessed by it and that book your holding belongs to its successor; which is you,” I responded.

Doctor Juan walked towards my bedside and showed me a passage within Edgar’s writing, it wrote, “Son, teach Victoria a change of mindset. There’s more to life than pain.”