That one year my birthday was approaching, so I decided to plan a house party (didn’t have a job at the time, so couldn’t afford going out, and my friends were aware of it). So, I sent out a Facebook event invite to a dozen of my besties (or so I thought!). These days each invite is accompanied by Going, Interested, Not Going and even the Ignore button.
I just wanted to know the general head count; so imagine my surprise, when the next morning I discovered that the event box was full of public messages (none of them in the Going section, mind you!) I don't even know which one should take the main prize, but here are the best ones from the Not Going part:
"I would love to come, honey, but I am interviewing Denzel Washington that day for one of my major clients. I’d love to stop by and tell you about it later, but you should be the center of attention on your special day!"
"Oh, what a bummer, you now live 10 miles away from me. I don't really want to spend my Saturday in LA traffic, you know, but Happy Birthday anyway! We’ll get drinks when you are in my part of town!”
"That's a no, sadly. I am stuck home with the baby. Adult life for some of us now, you know… Would love to see you, but babysitters are pricey, and my hubby won’t stay alone with the baby on Saturday night because he wants to get wasted. He says it’s his only day of the week to relax!”
"I wish I could, but you know I don’t like cats. Just do your party at a restaurant! Or can your cat hang outside during the party? Or take it to your neighbors.”
"Thanks for the invite, but I am going to my honeymoon in Hawaii. Sorry we didn't invite you to the wedding, but it was family only and at that really expensive location. Our wedding registry is still up though, if you’d like to get us something. We can celebrate later, and I will show you all the pictures, I promise!”
The Interested section was full of brilliant personal stories as well:
"Sounds fun, but will there be any food for the vegans? I can bring something, but broke now and can't provide meals for a big crowd."
"That's a maybe. I have a couple parties to attend before and after, but I will try and stop by for a minute. Hope you are still hanging out after midnight?”
"I would like to come, but hopefully none of your guests are Republican? I don't suffer fools gladly. Don’t want to share a room with them even if they keep their mouths shut. I know you don’t like to discuss politics, but I would love to educate you about something real quick when I see you.”
"Is that cute musician friend of yours coming? He was on TV last week, make sure you introduce us soon. So hot! Is he single? What kind of girls does he like?”
"Your roommate blocked me on Facebook for criticizing her shitty standup performance. Who jokes about burps and farts? Could be awkward, will she be there? I think I shouldn’t come just in case. And you need a new roommate.”
I deleted my party invite. Instead, on my birthday my roommate and I made burgers, bought several packs of cheap beer, and watched the stupidest comedy show on TV, with my cat joining us on the couch. Honestly? This was one of the best birthdays ever.
About the Creator
Katya Duft
Katya Duft is a public transit blogger (Tales From the Bus) and a three-time Moth Story Slam winner; frequent participant of storytelling shows in Los Angeles. She is also a linguist working in post-production.
Enjoyed the story? Support the Creator.
Subscribe for free to receive all their stories in your feed. You could also pledge your support or give them a one-off tip, letting them know you appreciate their work.
Keep reading
More stories from Katya Duft and writers in Humor and other communities.
Ring the Bell If You Smell
I was standing at a bus stop in Los Angeles, when an elderly lady showed up, carrying a big plastic bucket. It was covered by a newspaper, but I was still able to see that it was full of feces, of all things. It was a hot day, so a couple flies landed on it right away.
By Katya Duft12 months ago in Humor
If Evil, Why Cute?
It starts like this, fair readers: It's the early morning, and I've just stolen the last cup of coffee from the pot. I open up my brainstorming journal to scrappy pages, my laptop primed upon a dusty, glowing white screen; words either already written or about to be written upon the blank spaces.
By Amanda Starksabout a month ago in Humor
The Wealthy Burglar
As many of you know, I am in the process of changing homes. This has meant a great deal of packing, cleaning up and decision-making over what to toss and what to keep. I have found old photographs and notebooks that I will treasure forever, along with other documents that I wish I had not seen. One such item came from the government. It noted how much money I would receive as part of the national pension plan if I retired in 2022 (it was an old letter). Now, things did not look good then, and they would probably not look too good many years down the road when I actually decided to retire. And the bills are still coming in and the rent will still need to be paid. What to do?
By Kendall Defoe 5 days ago in Humor
Comments (1)
"I can't go because I'm shaving my bike..." 😄