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The Five Types of Meat You Get in Heaven

Apologies to Mitch Albom and “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” (no, I have not read it…but I think I get the point)

By Kendall Defoe Published 21 days ago 4 min read
Top Story - November 2023
The Five Types of Meat You Get in Heaven
Photo by Tim Cooper on Unsplash

Note: my head has been in a weird place over the last few days. I have just lost my godmother after a very long illness, and even though it was not a surprise, I am still getting used to a world without her love, attitude...and wicked sense of humour. I had this in a notebook for quite a while, and I needed a laugh at the exact moment when I rediscovered it this morning. The title of Mitch Albom's book was perfect for a parody...

All my love, Auntie M. I know that you would love to laugh at this one...


Porterhouse Steak: This is for the top-tier people who have been extra kind to others. This would include anyone who held a door open for someone and was not thanked for it; people who clean up after themselves when they eat in a busy food court (or even one that is not at all busy); anyone kind to cats and dogs that are not even their own (can you really own one, anyway?); the ones who have learned to forgive and look to the future. You can order it prepared anyway you like it, but make sure not to get to fancy with it. You will have sides and extras, just like everyone else. The steak is what you are there to enjoy.


Pate de fois gras: If you prefer a meal that you do not have to dig into when you are not in the mood to attack, this is ideal. Crackers, bagels, baguettes, flatbread, and the like will be provided with this one. And it must be noted that you are going to share this with quite a few people. Pate is a social food, and you will like the company that you will share with this one (plenty of writers, painters, dancers, philosophers and gardeners – a strange but interesting group). Please have fun and take your time with the meal.


Bacon: A mid-level meal – sorry, Canadians – but one that you can enjoy for the three separate times of the day when you are used to eating (breakfast, lunch and dinner are not celestial concepts). This will be something you will be allowed to share or enjoy on your own, but it must be said that we find many of our subjects enjoy eating it as a group and sharing their own different methods of preparation with each other. Children like it well done; older people prefer to let it cook but remain a little tender and chewable. Again, this is all a personal choice. You will decide for yourself what to do when you do it.


White Meat (Chicken; Turkey; other poultry): Some of you will not give up your love of the bird, and I can assure you that we have plenty of it in our celestial plain. You will find that the taste of it will not be quite like the one you have now accepted in your meals. No chemicals are added to their feed; they do not live in cramped quarters where they are not allowed to move out and breathe freely; they are prepared just for you without any real pain. This is popular across all social groups and occupations. Eat!


Your Mom’s Meatloaf: Okay, this is a bit of a cheat. Not all of you have had moms that had prepared such a meal. Understood. But please remember…you are in Heaven. Anything you feel you deserve can be yours if you have lived a good life. And meatloaf, whatever you enjoyed as a child or adult, is a comfort food, as you call it. Many of the newer members of our community find that they cannot face eating with anyone else for a while. And many of them have chosen food from their childhood. Meatloaf is only one example of many that we offer, and we know that it is perfect for you. We feel that you deserve to have the things you loved in that other world. Please enjoy it and…happy eating!

Welcome to the Table


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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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About the Creator

Kendall Defoe

Teacher, reader, writer, dreamer... I am a college instructor who cannot stop letting his thoughts end up on the page. Very grateful to have found this other opportunity to expose things to the light.


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Comments (27)

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  • Patrick M. Ohana13 days ago

    I'll only accept the Porterhouse steak for the obvious and unobvious reasons. Take care!

  • I may go for Scandinavian hors d'oeuvres now. Any idea?

  • Rachel Deeming17 days ago

    Sorry for your loss. Really hoping that I have the Porterhouse Steak but who knows? Hope this is giving your godmother a real belly chuckle.

  • Brendan Donaghy17 days ago

    Now, when are you going to follow this with the five types of meat we can expect in hell?? 😲😲

  • Mr Ahsan18 days ago

    Your celestial menu parody is a brilliant blend of humor and heart, offering a comforting laugh amid loss. Fabulous

  • Very interesting piece on food and the afterlife, makes me think of Greek Gods and Hades. Great work

  • Shirley Belk18 days ago

    Sorry for your loss. BTW, Mitch Albom's works are awesome. And the movie was one of my favorites.

  • Shirsendu Chakma18 days ago


  • Paul Stewart18 days ago

    Sir, sorry for your loss. She sounds like someone very special to you so I am sad for you and wish you and those closest to her and yourself my regrds and well wishes. This is a lovely little bit of humour and made me smile. Porthouse Steak it looks like it might be for me. Congrats on getting Top Story too! Nice to share the front page with esteemed company as yourself!

  • Sorry to hear about your Godmother x Veggie here but get the concept and loved the bumour behind it x Congrats onTS! Would say though 'The five people...' is worth a scan at least 🤍

  • Cathy holmes18 days ago

    Firstly, sorry for your loss. This is great and a lot of fun. I guess I'm having bacon for dinner. lol.

  • Kristen Balyeat18 days ago

    Kendall, so sorry to hear about the passing of your godmother! Sending love to you and all of those who are grieving a world without her. May her love always surround you. This piece is so awesome! I love reading about food, and this one hit the spot! May have to indulge in a steak this weekend. Enjoyed this very much! Congrats on top story!

  • Best of luck

  • Donna Fox (HKB)18 days ago

    Kendall this was fun and now I'm hungry!! 🤤 Thanks for the smile this morning and congratulations on Top Story!

  • Tom Baker18 days ago

    Not if you're a Hare Krishna.

  • Babs Iverson18 days ago

    Condolences!!! Fun & entertaining story!!! Congratulations too!!!💕❤️❤️

  • Leslie Writes18 days ago

    I’m sorry for your loss. What a sweet way to honor your auntie’s memory. 💖

  • Novel Allen19 days ago

    I better go call my Auntie M. Thay are precious, not to worry, Auntie angel M is on the job, yumm Chicken, I tried Vegetarianism, meat called.

  • I'll just choose whatever that I don't have to share, lol. But since I'm a vegetarian, I'll just people watch. I like being in the shadows and observing people, lol!

  • Sid Aaron Hirji21 days ago

    was expecting to see filet mignon but ya sounds good

  • mysoundMusic21 days ago

    Heading caught my ear ... actually my appetite. 🙂 Well done.

  • What if you're vegetarian. (My wife is, kind of, sort of, when it's convenient. It's not always easy.)

  • Mother Combs21 days ago


  • JBaz21 days ago

    My condolences on your loss. She would like this list you prepared, The last, as you mentioned will be my one of my favorites, any meal my moms prepared.( it may vary upon my mood that day)

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