The Five Types of Meat You Get in Heaven

Note: my head has been in a weird place over the last few days. I have just lost my godmother after a very long illness, and even though it was not a surprise, I am still getting used to a world without her love, attitude...and wicked sense of humour. I had this in a notebook for quite a while, and I needed a laugh at the exact moment when I rediscovered it this morning. The title of Mitch Albom's book was perfect for a parody...

All my love, Auntie M. I know that you would love to laugh at this one...

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Porterhouse Steak: This is for the top-tier people who have been extra kind to others. This would include anyone who held a door open for someone and was not thanked for it; people who clean up after themselves when they eat in a busy food court (or even one that is not at all busy); anyone kind to cats and dogs that are not even their own (can you really own one, anyway?); the ones who have learned to forgive and look to the future. You can order it prepared anyway you like it, but make sure not to get to fancy with it. You will have sides and extras, just like everyone else. The steak is what you are there to enjoy.

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Pate de fois gras: If you prefer a meal that you do not have to dig into when you are not in the mood to attack, this is ideal. Crackers, bagels, baguettes, flatbread, and the like will be provided with this one. And it must be noted that you are going to share this with quite a few people. Pate is a social food, and you will like the company that you will share with this one (plenty of writers, painters, dancers, philosophers and gardeners – a strange but interesting group). Please have fun and take your time with the meal.

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Bacon: A mid-level meal – sorry, Canadians – but one that you can enjoy for the three separate times of the day when you are used to eating (breakfast, lunch and dinner are not celestial concepts). This will be something you will be allowed to share or enjoy on your own, but it must be said that we find many of our subjects enjoy eating it as a group and sharing their own different methods of preparation with each other. Children like it well done; older people prefer to let it cook but remain a little tender and chewable. Again, this is all a personal choice. You will decide for yourself what to do when you do it.

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White Meat (Chicken; Turkey; other poultry): Some of you will not give up your love of the bird, and I can assure you that we have plenty of it in our celestial plain. You will find that the taste of it will not be quite like the one you have now accepted in your meals. No chemicals are added to their feed; they do not live in cramped quarters where they are not allowed to move out and breathe freely; they are prepared just for you without any real pain. This is popular across all social groups and occupations. Eat!

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Your Mom’s Meatloaf: Okay, this is a bit of a cheat. Not all of you have had moms that had prepared such a meal. Understood. But please remember…you are in Heaven. Anything you feel you deserve can be yours if you have lived a good life. And meatloaf, whatever you enjoyed as a child or adult, is a comfort food, as you call it. Many of the newer members of our community find that they cannot face eating with anyone else for a while. And many of them have chosen food from their childhood. Meatloaf is only one example of many that we offer, and we know that it is perfect for you. We feel that you deserve to have the things you loved in that other world. Please enjoy it and…happy eating!

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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