Six Random Things We Believe As Kids That Are Untrue As Adults

I have decided that I am very irritated. Both with younger myself and with the (former) adults in my life. I say former because I am now, at least physically speaking, an adult myself. But seriously younger me, what the hell? You believed some very basic truths that you were either outright told or at the very least strongly hinted at. Such simple facts like "You can do whatever you want when you grow up", or "You can buy anything when you get a job of your own". Or a timeless classic "You can do anything you set your mind to". That one especially is such a "fuck you" to impressionable kids. We are set up for disappointment from the very beginning! Let's cover some of these untruths in a new kind of Random Pieces, shall we?

The List of Lies - Random Pieces Style

• You can buy whatever you want with your own money. Okay, what the hell man? Adults used to tell me I could buy whatever I wanted when I had money of my own. What they failed to mention was anything else at all about money or how it works. Sure, I can buy some of what I want now as an adult. But anything? What a crock that turned out to be. Let's keep this within the realm of realism, shall we? I am not a rich man, and neither is my family. We survive, and that's kind of always been the case. But I expect realistic expectations to be set in my life. I can't buy anything - I'll never have that kind of money. What if I want an island of my own? Within the realm of realism, that isn't happening, and our kids should probably know that to some extent. What if I want to buy an endangered species and keep it as a trophy pet? Within the realm of realism, not to mention legality, that isn't happening. And kids have weird ideas about what to buy! I wanted an army of raccoons, as an example of insane kid ideas! We should be tempering this expectation of infinite monetary possibilities.

• Driving is great! I mean yeah, it's alright. This one may not be specifically told to us, but man, as kids this is all we want to do when we're near a car or truck! When you're a kid, the car or truck just seems like it represents all of the power and freedom in the entire world! Just look at how kids idolize fire trucks. More often than not, a fire truck is an entire field trip for some schools. Getting to sit in it, touch the buttons, fake steer it. It's like heaven to a lot of kids. We idolize the idea of being able to drive. And then we grow up, and we drive. And for a couple of years, after you get your license, it's alright. Then it becomes just part of the daily grind, and all shine wears off. We sit in traffic and we hate it. Other drivers create unsafe conditions or cause crashes. Road rage incidentsend in violence, or worse. As we get older, driving isn't so great anymore. It's just another thing that didn't turn out the way we hoped.

Sant Clause is real! This will be controversial, I know. But come on gang. We tell our kids that this mythical being is real, he rewards good behavior, and he's magic as fuck. We build the idea of Santa Clause up into something incomprehensibly huge, magical, and important to the lives of our kids to the point that they will change their behavior to support the concept. And then we reinforce it at every turn, until one day, inevitably and without any possibility of keeping it from happening, the whole thing fucking explodes and comes crumbling down around our poor little children's heads. It's devastating when kids find out the truth. It tears an entire part of our childhood away from us and leaves this void of knowing that our parents lied to us for years and years for absolutely no apparent reason except maybe to fuck with us because we actually secretly hate our children and this is some kind of collective cultural revenge. Ouch, Mom and Dad. Fucking ouch.

• Making friends is easy. The balls it takes to tell this lie to our kids are enormous. As kids? Hell yeah, making friends is as easy as just sitting next to someone at lunch. Boom, done. As we get older, this becomes exponentially more difficult on a rapidly rising curve. By the time high school rolls around, making friends is like pulling teeth. You have to get lucky or already have an established base and a friendship grows out of it. When you're an adult? Forget it. Making a new friend is like winning the lottery - the odds are stacked so heavily against you that you might as well not even try. Most of us can "make friends" at work, but let's be honest here - those are work friends. If you leave that job, those friends are out the window too most of the time. Making friends is only easy when there are no expectations. As an adult, expectations are all we have left. That and scars of past friendships ending. Unless you're lucky, truly making a new friend is a rare occurrence.

• Earwigs will crawl into your ear and lay eggs in your brain. We need to sit down and have a chat, Dad. I love you, you know this. But fuck you, man! You gave me nightmares for twenty fucking years with this one! Parents take note: offhanded comments like this that you find funny in the moment will stick with your kids for life! I cannot stress this enough. I used to flip out when I saw an earwig and either panic or kill the damn thing instantly. Do you know how many innocent earwigs died because of you, Dad? Their blood is on your hands old man! For anyone reading this: earwigs are not dangerous to humans. They are not venomous, they do not sting, and they will not fucking lay eggs in your brain.

• In space, no one can hear you scream. Lies. In space, humans have a near-constant connection via radio to either their crew or their handlers back at command to ensure they are safe at all times. In space, a lot of people can hear you scream. Very loudly, directly into their earpieces. Unless of course your helmet has opened up and you've become a human corpse-sicle. In which case you aren't screaming anyway, so my point remains valid.

And there you have it! Six Random Pieces of childhood trauma we force on our children that we should definitely stop perpetuating. Now that we've got some of this out in the open, I feel a lot better about most of these things. Talking helps.

Except for the fucking earwig trauma. My father will have to answer for that one day.