"I'm Still On The Loo!"

So, I'm sitting here feeling the waves of salty sea flushing through my body, though I am sure I'm not a fish swimming in the sea. Squeezing my thighs so hard that I think my pelvic floor muscles are going to fall out any time soon, I bang on the door and shout,

"I need the loo!"

My husband shouts back,

"I'm constipated!"

"I don't care! I need the loo now!" I shout.

I squeeze my already over-stretched pelvic floor muscles tighter so as not to pee myself while I am waiting. I hold on to the door while I bend over like a giraffe.

I've been standing here almost two hours now, and I swear that I will pee right where I'm standing. I bang on the door again,

"Hurry the fuck up, will ya!"

I hear snoring from behind the door.

I spend the next hour dancing like a bat and flapping my arms, in an attempt to hold my over-full bladder, though it doesn't work.

I decided that doing squats would be better

Now I feel as constipated as him, though I only need a pee.

I bang on the door again.

"C'm on! I'm gonna use a bucket in a minute!" I complain.

More snoring! Though I can't work out whether it's real or not.

I am now dying for the loo, as well as dying for a drink. I think about going downstairs to make one but sack that for a game of potatoes, I'll only put more sea in my bladder!

Here I am; still dying for the loo, when the phone rings.

I decide to answer it.

Maybe it will take my mind off wanting to go to the loo.

The conversation lasts another two hours, though it doesn't go well because I am squeezing my pelvic floor in an attempt not to pee while I am talking.

"Hi...um...yes, gotta go...see ya" are the only words I say before throwing it across the room in a fit of rage.

I head back to the bathroom and bang on the door.

"Excuse me! You must be finished by now." I say.

I hear a ruffle of what sounds like a thousand toilet rolls.

I think silently.

"Gee! All that loo roll, just to wipe your arse?"

I can barely control my laughter, so I sit on the floor and scrunch up my knees just in case I pee while laughing, and the sea of pee overflows!

I pick up the nearest book even though it bores me shitless.

Anything to stop me from peeing myself.

I suddenly hear a flush, followed by another ruffle of paper, and then my husband shouts,

"That was fucking brilliant!"

I ask him,

"Are you done yet?"

"No, I'm wiping my arse!" he replies.

"I'm going to pee myself, I swear!" I complain, now holding my hands on my vagina.

I keep my fingers crossed, praying that this will not go on forever.

I feel like I have been waiting for an entire lifetime just to use the loo!

My husband finally comes out of the toilet with a massive grin on his face. There is one problem, though,

The toilet roll is still in its wrapper, where I left it!

He smiles at me and says,

"You can go now!"

However; before he lets me into the bathroom, he hugs me and waves a newspaper in the air, and in his glory, he says,

"That was a great shit!"

I am left with nothing to say to him. All I want to do is give him a good old slap!