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"I'm Still On The Loo!"

I Need It Too

By Carol TownendPublished 2 months ago 3 min read
1
"I'm Still On The Loo!"
Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

So, I'm sitting here feeling the waves of salty sea flushing through my body, though I am sure I'm not a fish swimming in the sea. Squeezing my thighs so hard that I think my pelvic floor muscles are going to fall out any time soon, I bang on the door and shout,

"I need the loo!"

My husband shouts back,

"I'm constipated!"

"I don't care! I need the loo now!" I shout.

I squeeze my already over-stretched pelvic floor muscles tighter so as not to pee myself while I am waiting. I hold on to the door while I bend over like a giraffe.

By Nikolay Tchaouchev on Unsplash

I've been standing here almost two hours now, and I swear that I will pee right where I'm standing. I bang on the door again,

"Hurry the fuck up, will ya!"

I hear snoring from behind the door.

I spend the next hour dancing like a bat and flapping my arms, in an attempt to hold my over-full bladder, though it doesn't work.

By James Wainscoat on Unsplash

I decided that doing squats would be better

By Luke Aguaita on Unsplash

Now I feel as constipated as him, though I only need a pee.

I bang on the door again.

"C'm on! I'm gonna use a bucket in a minute!" I complain.

By Riin Aisent on Unsplash

More snoring! Though I can't work out whether it's real or not.

I am now dying for the loo, as well as dying for a drink. I think about going downstairs to make one but sack that for a game of potatoes, I'll only put more sea in my bladder!

By Joseph Barrientos on Unsplash

Here I am; still dying for the loo, when the phone rings.

By Quino Al on Unsplash

I decide to answer it.

Maybe it will take my mind off wanting to go to the loo.

The conversation lasts another two hours, though it doesn't go well because I am squeezing my pelvic floor in an attempt not to pee while I am talking.

"Hi...um...yes, gotta go...see ya" are the only words I say before throwing it across the room in a fit of rage.

I head back to the bathroom and bang on the door.

"Excuse me! You must be finished by now." I say.

I hear a ruffle of what sounds like a thousand toilet rolls.

By Erik Mclean on Unsplash

I think silently.

"Gee! All that loo roll, just to wipe your arse?"

I can barely control my laughter, so I sit on the floor and scrunch up my knees just in case I pee while laughing, and the sea of pee overflows!

By Shifaaz shamoon on Unsplash

I pick up the nearest book even though it bores me shitless.

Anything to stop me from peeing myself.

I suddenly hear a flush, followed by another ruffle of paper, and then my husband shouts,

"That was fucking brilliant!"

I ask him,

"Are you done yet?"

"No, I'm wiping my arse!" he replies.

"I'm going to pee myself, I swear!" I complain, now holding my hands on my vagina.

I keep my fingers crossed, praying that this will not go on forever.

I feel like I have been waiting for an entire lifetime just to use the loo!

My husband finally comes out of the toilet with a massive grin on his face. There is one problem, though,

The toilet roll is still in its wrapper, where I left it!

He smiles at me and says,

"You can go now!"

However; before he lets me into the bathroom, he hugs me and waves a newspaper in the air, and in his glory, he says,

"That was a great shit!"

I am left with nothing to say to him. All I want to do is give him a good old slap!

WitLaughterHilariousFunnyCONTENT WARNINGComedyWriting
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About the Creator

Carol Townend

Fiction, Horror, Sex, Love, Mental Health, Children's fiction and more. You'll find many stories in my profile. I don't believe in sticking with one Niche! I write, but I also read a lot too.

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Comments (1)

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  • Test2 months ago

    That's quite the comedic tale! The desperation and frustration of needing to use the bathroom coupled with the absurdity of the situation make for an entertaining read. Thanks for sharing!😆😅🤣😀😁😂

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