I hate turkey meat

This cooked turkey may look mouthwatering and delicious, bet you can't wait to dig in.

But let's be real. How pretty is the real live thing. The lovely feathers are very eye catching. Really, really, let's be real.

What is that thing hanging from the neck. This is one ugly mother-hush-your-mouth bird. No wonder they cut off its head before cooking it, no one can bear to look at it. Turkey.....Ptui.

So that is where the 'turkey neck' allusion to us humans comes from, thanks a lot turkey.

Couple of Christmas' ago, the Jamaican family wanted to try turkey meat. It was all the rage, and it looked so good on TV. It's just like chicken and it tastes like chicken too. They said. Dirty liars!

I remember how lovely the table on TV looked, decorated all around the turkey and cranberry sauce. I still don't know what to do with the cranberry sauce. I like the juice though, the one sweetened with natural fruit juice, cranberry is wicked sour.

I bought my turkey and all the fussings and dressings. I prepared it, stuffed it, coddled and fussed over it. Skewered and basted the ugly looking dead yellowish skinned thing and made it beautiful to look at. I read all the steps on the internet, preheated the oven and shoved my beautifully decorated turkey in.

I had eaten turkey sandwiches, and sliced turkey that other people had cooked. Again, they said it was just like chicken. To me it tasted bland, had to add a lot of ranch dressing and pepper.

I set the table, someone made ham, salad and we had some kind of macaroni by the in-laws, (you know what I mean, blah) among other dishes.

Five hours later, the bird came out of the oven all brown and attractive on the outside. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Everyone gathered at the table, gave thanks and prepared to eat.

In went the carving knife. The smell was horrible. The tough old good for nothing turkey had sat in the oven forever and came out as raw and smelly as a dead uncooked donkey.

"Why didn't she make the stuffing separate". One malicious relative whispered.

"She never made it before, why wouldn't she let us help"?

"She was just too proud to ask for advice". Another replied, pleasing spite-filled venom dripping from every word.

That ugly, tough, proud looking, malevolent, vindictive, strutting, ugly, dried out stinking turkey made a fool out of me. Apparently I had shoved way too much stuffing inside the stupid bird, so there was no way the heat would have circulated enough to cook the inside of the thing, Or some story like that.

They still proceeded to carve away and hope for the best. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed. It was worse.

What is the story of stuffing anyway. What is that all about.

History of stuffing

It is not known when stuffings were first used. The earliest documentary evidence is the Roman cookbook, Apicius De Re Coquinaria, which contains recipes for stuffed chicken, dormouse, hare, and pig. Most of the stuffings described consist of vegetables, herbs and spices, nuts, and spelt (a cereal), and frequently contain chopped liver, brains, and other organ meat.

Does anyone see a turkey mentioned here? Ok, so maybe the Romans didn't have turkey back in the day.

Not a single soul touched the ugly mean old turkey. I think it deliberately decided not to become cooked just so that it could spite me. Since deep down it knew that I hated its guts...pun intended.

I dreamed that night that the turkey seasoned, stuffed and baked me. The whole turkey family had a wonderful feast.

All the turkey had a real good laugh, saying as how I just can't cook as good as them.

If I ever get my hands on their goobery ugly little necks.

But wait. I am dead. Damn it to Hell!

The turkey won. I hate that blasted ugly turkey meat.