Horoscopes for December

First Quarter

Scorpio: Curry is not your friend this quarter. A bad Vindaloo will go through you like a bullet train made of napalm. I recommend a gallon of full fat milk and chilled underwear.

Sagittarius: I hope you like sunburn, dust storms, copious amounts of “pharmaceuticals” and weirdos? Pack your bags you’re going to Flaming Fella, Sorry, this horoscope couldn’t afford to send you to Burning Man

Capricorn: Your ability to predict the winners on game shows earns you an invite to the Z-List superhero team, The Justifiers. Be sure to take your spandex and cape, also something to drink; their coffee machine is on the fritz

Aquarius: The old lady you beat at bingo last quarter turns out to be well connected in the underworld. I recommend changing your name and joining the Navy. I hear Dusty Beaver is a popular name for a submariner

Pisces: You will be rudely thrown out of a theatre this quarter, it’s not your fault you took ‘Take a seat’ as a command

Aries: You will receive a gold medal and funny looks this quarter as you take first place at your local Renaissance Fair dressed as Captain Kirk

Taurus: I hope you like fudge as your quarter will be filled with a lot of it. I recommend avoiding the Wasabi Fudge and Moruga Scorpion Fudge, the Ginger and Old Spice Fudge will be surprisingly pleasant

Gemini: You’ll feel like a genius this quarter as you manage to get all the right answers on University Challenge, later you discover it was a repeat of an earlier episode. Cheer yourself up by watching The Chase and eating the last of your ice cream

Cancer: The stars and planets are aligned to boost the financial skills of Cancer this quarter. They peak around 0237 hours GMT on Thursday, I recommend buying your lottery tickets at this time

Leo: Blessings of the Angels are upon you this quarter. Your trials and tribulations will be solved with ease, wait Angels have horns and large leathery bat wings right?

Virgo: After recommending Trading 212 to your friends you are rewarded with £100 worth of stock for free, now’s a good time to check the stock price for Enron

Libra: Luck finds you this quarter as you find a 13 leafed clover whilst walking your dog. As a result you will win an All Inclusive, All Expenses Trip Three Week Cruise on Exxon’s flagship Cruise Liner, The Valdez. Good for you

Second Quarter

Scorpio: Pluto is in Uranus this quarter, I recommend prune juice. Your relentless desire for control leads you to build a weather control device out of your kettle, microwave and toaster. Whatever you do, do not point it at the dog

Sagittarius: Your path is lined with fire this quarter, and lots of it. The authorities however will block your path, stating you can’t cut grass with a flamethrower

Capricorn: This quarter is a great week to start a lucrative career as a piper, everyone will end up having to pay you.

Aquarius: With your Shield of Ubiquity, your Silver Sabre, your Armour of Ash and the Boots of the Braindead you’ll be ready to tackle your tax return. Keep your Batman outfit on hand as you’ll need it at the post office

Pisces: This quarter you’ll spread the joy of board gaming to the Amish people. Despite them running you out of Amish country for misinterpreting Catan for Satan; they will really enjoy Epic Spell Wars and Carcassonne

Aries: Have you had an accident that wasn’t your fault? Liar! I saw you hitting that bus full of nuns.

Taurus: Venus kisses the moon this quarter and fuels your creativity. Drawing inspiration from ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep’ you will manage to create an Ersatz Parrot with the personality of Iago from Aladdin. You’ll regret not installing an off switch as the damn thing won’t shut up

Gemini: Channel your inner Elton John and Lady Gaga this quarter by creating a range of sunglasses made from precious and semi-precious gems. Let your customers figure out how to see through them

Leo: The Sun shines brightly on Leo this quarter, I recommend speaking to your local Gemini for some stylish sunglasses. Be careful of people wearing beige and grey on Thursday, lest you want to have weekly visits from Jehovah’s Witness’

Virgo: The alignment of Mercury and Pluto will result in a quarter full of flatulence for Virgo. I’d stay away from beans and Brussel sprouts, and only drink Guinness where possible

Libra: Venus’ opposition to Mercury will be offset by the duo of Mars & Jupiter. You will feel like Superman this quarter, be warned as next week you will Mr Burns. Your lucky colour is mauve, and your lucky number is D

Third Quarter

Sagittarius: Earth’s transit past Jupiter will make you believe you are the godfather. This quarter would be a good week to build your criminal empire

Capricorn: Haumea and Makemake enter the Thunderdome this quarter and only Pluto will leave. This will make you feel like you’re invisible. I do not recommend trying to sneak into the ladies’ changing room at the gym

Aquarius: This quarter will see you on криптондық фактор, the Kazakh version of the Krypton Factor. Instead of a faithful recreation of the UK’s 90s version, it’ll play out more like a blend of the Boat movie and the 80s Annie Classic, the Running Man. I recommend wearing your lucky underwear.

Pisces: After visiting an alternative lifestyle fair this quarter, you’ll end up in an oracle trance after drinking some “special” tea. You will see things man was not meant to see, such as the mating rituals of the Outer Gods, Service Stations on the Astral Plane, and John Prescott’s OnlyFans.

Aries: This quarter will see you achieve your dream of a Blade Runner pantomime. Don’t be too worried about initial ticket sales in small town theatres; Broadway will love it.

Taurus: Mars and Ceres enjoy their galactic ballet recital this quarter leaving you looking like Ric Flair

Gemini: Good news, your St Andrews themed perfume and cologne range will be put on shelves this quarter for retail. Bad news, your ‘Heather & Haggis’ and ‘40 Year Old Whiskey’ fragrances will on be available in Albanian 99p Stores

Cancer: LEGO will be your friend this quarter as you are hired to build a wall at the US/Mexico Border. No one cares about your SNOT or Greebling skills

Leo: Thundercats are on the move, Thundercats are loose. Which is why you no longer work at the zoo.

Virgo: Bad luck will be your friend this week and you accidentally trip over a guide dog and put your foot through a busker’s drumkit. Whatever you do, don’t wear roller skates near the motorway

Libra: Let’s check the Astrological News, let’s see: Latin, Latin, War in Europe, Armageddon, Bruce Forsyth voted sexiest man. Wait? What? It’s three for a dollar on Krispy Kreme Donuts! What are you waiting for? Oh, avoid anyone proud of driving a Prius. Nothing bad will happen, but there is only so much smug a person can deal with

Scorpio: He’s dead Jim, and you’re the lead suspect. Head to the docks and ask the Wharfmaster for shipping container N47, he’ll know what to do

Fourth Quarter

Sagittarius: Embrace your inner Archer this quarter by donning your welly boots and moving to Cutnall Green

Capricorn: You’ll take an unexpected trip this quarter when your scarf catches the wing mirror off a speeding truck. Do not give any money to a man named Clive, he’ll only spend it on baseball cards

Aquarius: Saturn is rising this quarter, for you it will feel like time is just flying by. Just when the world is celebrating Christmas ’ Day, you’ll be drawing your pension

Pisces: With Mercury in Pisces this quarter it might be a good time to avoid eating fish. Can’t go wrong with a good cheeseburger

Aries: Jupiter is in Aries this quarter and will leave an ungodly mess in the upstairs bathroom. I recommend a priest and a good cleaning service. Alternatively, napalm is always an option

Gemini: This quarter is a good one to book your holidays for next summer. Your local travel agent has some great deals for Kosovo, Myanmar, and Syria. Their Gaza Strip cruise is 99% off, with £500 free spending money and an All-Inclusive hotel

Cancer: The moon kisses Cancer this quarter, making jealousy the primary emotion. Try not to take it out on the Crossing Guard, it’s not his fault you didn’t make the cut

Leo: A disagreement between Leo and Hydra over who gets to use the Sextant this quarter, this won’t have any effect on you but your compass won’t be able to find North for about a week

Virgo: Venus enters Virgo this quarter leaving you speaking like George Takei. Take a hot bath, drink a nice cup of tea and you’ll be back to imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger in no time

Libra: Libra is out of balance this quarter with an inner ear infection. It’s not a good week to learn unicycling or walking on stilts. It is however a good week to invent a new instrument, how about a banjo/bagpipes hybrid?

Scorpio: Scorpio is between the Sun and Mars this quarter, how many times have I told you to keep out of the business of celestial bodies? Make yourself scarce lest you end up with a black eye. Wear your cadmium yellow underpants all week and you’ll win a box of pies from your local butcher