Horoscopes for November

With today’s busy lifestyle and fast paced need for short form information, please allow me to provide you with your weekly horoscope. Let me gaze into my crystal ball, consult my Tarot Cards, and wave incense in the general direction of whichever way is north

1st Quarter

Scorpio: The patent office isn’t interested in your invention of roast beef with peanut butter sandwiches so please stop sending in Patent Applications.

Sagittarius: You will be targeted for a prank this week when a loved one changes your wake up alarm to sound like an Air Raid siren. I suggest getting even by putting cling film over their toilet

Capricorn: Are you tired of drinking the same old variety of milk? Try the new Blue Milk 92, the milk so fun even your Geiger counter wants to try it

Aquarius: This week will bring the revelation that you can’t freestyle swim in the kiddie pool, so please stop trying. Try Kick-boxing for the Elderly instead

Pisces: You will spend your week pondering why you keep dreaming of being the captain of a pirate ship sailing a sea of pies

Aries: An old flame will spark a burning interest in your heart and a fire in your house. How many times have you been told to stop playing with matches?

Taurus: Luck finds you this week as you win a brand new Ford Mustang GT500 KR, unfortunately it’s beige.

Gemini: You will reap the rewards of spending this week talking in quotes from Macbeth.

Cancer: The local council will deliberate over your request to twin your hometown with Kuwait City. I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Kuwait aren’t too thrilled on the idea

Leo: The moon’s transit will leave you feeling low this week, I recommend painting yourself Green and screaming “Waaaagh!” into the faces of those that annoy you

Virgo: Success finds you this week as your Rammstein cover band are signed to headline the upcoming Folk Festival this weekend

Libra: This horoscope is sponsored by Raid Shadow Legends. Your friends will appear yellow this week. Don’t worry it’s not serious, just a tribute to the Simpsons.

2nd Quarter

Scorpio: Your body will tell you that you need more sleep this week by making you hallucinate the voice modulator for KITT on your wrist.

Sagittarius: Your application to erect a monument to Steve Thomas in the middle of town this week will be rejected by Stockport County Council because they’ve no idea who he is

Capricorn: You will fill this week with activities such as Extreme Sneezing, Danger Sleeping, and the playground favourite, Chap Door Run

Aquarius: Your attempt to make a homemade helicopter will fail to take off this week. Next time don’t use your neighbour’s rotary washing line or their pet weasel

Pisces: After solving a fiendishly difficult crossword this week you’ll be invited to join an elite group of spies, they’re looking for someone to run the cafeteria at meal times.

Aries: Mars is in your corner this week as you accidentally step on the toes of bruiser in your local pub. Just make sure you have a Mars Bar on you

Taurus: This week your entrepreneurial side takes flight as you bring back the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pizzas from the 90s, including new flavours such as Anchovies & Sauerkraut, Liver & Gorgonzola.

Gemini: This week you’ll disappoint your friends when you tell them you’re finished restoring a Spitfire, of course you meant your Triumph Spitfire and not the Supermarine Spitfire

Cancer: You will be shocked this week to discover that your pet cat Mephistopheles can talk. It’s a shame he sounds like Janice from Friends

Leo: I have consulted my Crystal Incense Tarot Deck and it appears you’re not going to have much luck this week. I’ve checked it three times and it appears you’ll be swimming in a pool of Volcano hot sauce

Virgo: Do you like skiing? It’s going to be interesting this week if you don’t as you find yourself being chased by a team of Gemini from the secret Antarctic base of an evil mastermind.

Libra: Have you ever danced with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight? I recommend you learn fast, he needs a partner for Strictly Come Dancing this week

3rd Quarter

Libra: Don’t be disheartened this week when your Traffic Jam fails to sell at your local Farmers Market, your Lady Marmalade will sell like hotcakes

Scorpio: You will be conflicted this week as your sudden conversion to Veganism leaves you questioning the leather bucket seats in your MX-5

Sagittarius: You will be angry this week when the newly constructed Toxic Waste Dump next door gives your cat superpowers and gives you a week in bed with severe diarrhoea

Capricorn: Your lucky colour is an MC Escher drawing and your lucky number is delta, not sure how this helps you with your weekly lottery ticket

Aquarius: You will pen an award winning musical based on the life of Gary from your local Chip Shop, The Codfather. Well done!

Pisces: No, no one wants a Marmite Pie and Custard, everyone knows Marmite Pie goes with Fresh Cream

Aries: Mars is in Retrograde this week, which explains why you’re wearing a neon blue tracksuit with neon pink ankle warmers. Whatever you do, do not take your neon green headband from your bum bag

Taurus: This week you will drive a Vauxhall Calibra through the streets of Vauxhall, London. Be sure to wear your Vauxhall Motors FC shirt, it won’t keep you safe but will nab you a free sausage roll from a Greggs in Hammersmith

Gemini: Luck finds you this week as you discover a solo album based on the works of Shakespeare by Metallica frontman , James Hetfield, at a car boot sale. Don’t bother trying to sell it on, not because it’s not valuable, but because people think it is fake

Cancer: The answer to the question that has been plaguing you this week can be found in the two part episode of the 80s Transformers episode ‘The Key to Vector Sigma.’ Don’t worry if you’re confused, the first season of the A-Team will explain everything

Leo: Embrace your inner lion this week, it will help during the mandated Resource and Initiative training this week at the Coliseum in Rome. The training will be gladiatorial combat

Virgo: Flapjacks, bin bags, fairy liquid. I’m not joking, that is what the stars are saying

4th Quarter

Virgo: This week you will hit Rock Bottom. I recommend you run because Rock Bottom is bare knuckle boxer for Bucharest

Libra: One of you shares a birthday with Count Dracula, the other Tim Robbins. I’ll let you figure out the rest

Scorpio: You will take an unexpected trip today, down an open manhole

Sagittarius: Your intimate knowledge of Ernest Borgnine will come in handy on a game show today where the first prize is 100 Deutschmarks and a lifelong place on a watch list

Capricorn: You will take up playing the bagpipes, and you will wonder why there are a lot of vacant properties in your street

Aquarius: Can you swim? If you can’t it’s going to be a bad week for you

Pisces: A round of applause is deserved this week, your name will remembered for all time for your contribution to the world. Just don’t tell anyone, or they might just discover your secret in the basement

Aries: This week is a great week to learn Greek, if you already speak Greek then try Klingon

Taurus: A hope you like beef, you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of a steer at your local rodeo. Good news is you’ll get the Silver Belt Buckle out of it

Gemini: Your twin will frame you for a robbery but don’t worry, your time in prison will lead you to your true calling, exporting Toilet Wine to members of The Wine of the Month Club

Cancer: Make sure to always carry spearmint gum on you this week, it’s better than peppermint

Leo: You will be the first winner of the new category of Academy Award for Most Outstanding Extra in a B-Movie. Well done

Tune in this time next month same bat-time, same bat-channel for more life changing chicken nuggets of information.