"Dear Unemployment Office..."

My friend posted a cry in the wilderness (Facebook) when going through that most heartbreaking of experiences: unemployment.

It read, in its entirety, as below:

Dear Unemployment Office: Screw you.

Em

I heard her cry. I felt her pain.

I suspected she would not get a response, especially as no one answered their phones or returned her calls for help over several days.

So I inserted myself into her situation even though I could do no practical assistance (as one does).

Having gone through the experience myself in the recent past I channeled the person that would likely be tasked with responding to Em, and wrote the following reply.

Dear ‘Em’,

In order to generate a reply to your message, we require form 4467 to be completed [in black ink only!] and submitted in person at your local office. *Please note: Your local office may have relocated to a location that may or may not be considered local. In order to determine the correct local office, please use the “Local Office” locator on our website, which is currently under construction.

Regarding the body of your message, in order to request any construction or skilled labor action, please submit form 8922GJ, to be completed [in blue ink only!] and submitted in person at the state office, which may or may not be represented at the local office. Please see the above directions to determine which local office is the correct office for you.

*Please note, skilled labor may be assigned to a local labor union for execution. Prices to complete said action will reflect that assignment, and will be deducted from your monthly benefits.

Before any action can be taken, your resume must be uploaded into the central UE system. Although this may be done from any laptop or computer, it will not be considered official unless it is distilled to one page and reformatted to contain only the most essential facts contained in three lines.

Consult the attached file “Your Resume: A Haiku” to determine the correct form, and choose your syllables wisely, as they will represent you to future employers.

*Please note: the local office will be closed on alternate, odd-numbered days in even-numbered months, all National Holidays (including Canadian and Mexican observances, as we encourage a spirit of diversity!). Your cooperation is appreciated.

Helpfully yours,

UE

Prefer to receive these messages electronically? Requests for electronic submissions may be taken at both the state and local offices on the fifth Monday of any month not containing an ‘r’.

*Please note: local and state offices are closed on Mondays May through August.

It turned out that Em got a good laugh out of it, and sadly, it wasn't too out of character from something she may really have received from them!

~

No matter how large the writing is written on the wall we all hope the next job to be eliminated won't be our own. The truth is that no one is really safe.

And another truth is that, even now, consultants are being considered for the January lay-off-a-thon. That's right: January is the Month of Layoffs. I've gone through it, people I care about have gone through it; and the key phrase there is 'through it'. No matter how extreme the circumstance or emotions, you WILL come through it.

This is a recent article of mine on Vocal (that means no pay-wall for you to read) that goes through a checklist you can follow to prepare for that just-in-case of January layoffs.

What's more, it's also a good checklist to follow once a year just to keep your details relevant and at hand in case they are needed anywhere and anytime!

And, if worst comes to worst- here's something that you don't really need but might appreciate anyways:

While you’re here, please do one or all of the following!

1. Leave a comment and share your thoughts. If you've ever been through the unemployment cycle, what advice would you have given to Em?

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You can also find me on Medium.