I am NOT Funny

Listen; I know I am not funny. It's OK. Really. I've tried and failed to tell every joke that made ME laugh. There is NO joke so hysterical, so foolproof that I can't grab it by it's shorthairs and wring the chuckles out of it.

If there is a punch line I'll just tap it. If it's a killer story I'll just maim it. I OWN my unfunniness.

But I may be situationally humorous. Especially if I am tired. When I am tired the little guardian in my head goes sleepy-bye and random stuff comes out in my words.

A case in point is the past week. For example:

I am at a meeting for work. I've been on a plane (late), in a Lyft (polite but not afraid to take the curves at top speed, locked out of the hotel room (card didn't 'take the scan') and trying to find something I am 'allowed' to eat ('cause I'm keto and it's boring to explain to people why I am looking for salad at breakfast). And- I'm tired. Really really tired. And that mini guardian is fast asleep.

I'm poking at lettuce and wishing it was something else, when two people walk behind me, with one of them saying "Oh- do we have to sit with the guy that knows everything?", and I whip my head up and say "Is my ex-husband here?" in my out loud voice, looking around as if the man would have, after 16 years, followed me hundreds of miles away from his home.

Of course, this WAS ridiculous. He was never the guy that knows everything. He was only the guy that thought he knew everything. That is an entirely different matter and I should have known better.

Or just a few minutes ago: I'm sitting at the airport searching for an outlet to power my laptop and phone. I need to do this because my flight is on its third delay, and laptops don't run on happy thoughts alone. (BTW: Why? Why are all of the outlets situated directly beneath the speakers in airports? if you have to take a zoom call, check on your pet sitter, or wheedle an airline representative into doing something that won't get you home any faster anyways (maybe this is a personal example, IDK), you need to be prepared to let Marge-the loud patient voice-be part of the action at regular intervals.)

Well, Marge did her stuff- repeating the same message three times (because: policy). On the third time through I realized she was asking "Will Susan Smith (NOT a name I made up- it's what she really said!) please return to security checkpoint 18 and retrieve the abandoned Roomba?"

That, I thought, now that is interesting. As I thought that I said "Now, somehow I have a hard time believing that a woman would both bring and subsequently forget a Roomba at airport security." The man sitting across from me looked up, and looking me right in the eye, said that he didn't use Roombas. I nodded, and solemnly said that Susan had probably ruined that chance for all of us. He gave me the look usually reserved for women that pay with too many pennies and paper checks, and moved over a row.

This made me happy, because he was sitting in front of the only double outlet. Sometimes I guess I really am lucky.

One more example: Again, a business function, a dinner with out of town coworkers. I was trying to hear everyone's conversation at once, which isn't easy when you sit at the right hand of the foot of the table. Bits and pieces of conversation drifted over me, and I was struggling to pull out an intelligible thread. I was going to jump in with both feet in my mouth, and started to say something then thought better of it. The people I was with are so polite- they noticed and asked if I'd said something. No, I replied, I was going to say something but thought better of it. It's like other people's dreams- they are just things that people pretend are interesting but aren't.

Except- they were talking about the particularly vivid dreams they had experienced the other night. So, in this example it really wasn't funny. Unless I accept that sometimes I'm the one with egg on my face and the joke's on me.

~~

This actually is a terrifyingly hysterical example of something that happened when I traveled to Chicago for business. Learn from my mistakes, please!

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