At 44, I Gave Up Drinking, Now I Can't Stop Thinking (Of How Hot I Am)

"You're 44?! You look hot!"

I'd like to let everyone on Medium know (sorry to those who are less attractive than me), that these are the words I need to live with hearing daily. Especially when I stroll the beach in Miami in my bikini.

In the depressing period of my life when I was drinking, I would have a bottle of white wine or two, with the same man in Ann Arbor Michigan every Friday and Saturday night, and on Sundays he would cook dinner for me (I thought he was an alcoholic too, but he went to work in the morning, so he was probably sipping his drinks.)

On some weekends, we would meet friends, people we've known since high school, and on holidays we would gather with our extended family. Family members seemed to care and accept us unconditionally, which felt great on holidays.

Then one day, I gave up drinking and quickly realized how many other people and possibilities exist in this amazing world of ours. I couldn't stop thinking about them!

How could I have been so blind? I must have been wearing pale green white wine bottle glasses up until now.

So goodbye to Ann Arbor and boring Ted, and hello to Miami and exciting first dates on Tinder.

After saying farewell to my best friend Beth, I relocated to South Florida, found a job (one that pays almost as much as I earn on Medium), and located an apartment that nearly has an ocean view.

As I have so much excess mental energy after giving up drinking, I used it refining my Tinder profile into a gleaming diamond. It also helped to have saved a stunning profile photo taken six years ago.

I got busy swiping right and setting up dates.

Divorce is just paperwork, and that's someone else's problem now. I'm not letting it slow me down. Speaking of marriage, I should have married that amazingly gorgeous man with a great body, steamy personality, and hot anger management issues that I was dating when I was 22. The adventures we would have had together! But he's an old man now. The same age as me. Too bad.

Right now, I'm dating an airline pilot who's halfway on a flight to Sao Paulo, an active duty Air Force officer who promises to marry me when he returns on his next week of R&R and hot sex (not that I want that, marriage), and a bartender half my age that I spend Mondays and Tuesdays with.

Those are the keepers. The others, I ghost after 2 dates before they ghost me. Or, three dates, if the guy looks quiet and shy enough to not say anything really mean when he leaves after I tell him why I'm not available to join his Monday bowling night.

Last month, I did need to hide my cancer surgery from the guys I am dating, but that's just modern life. They might be medical phobic like I am. Or worse, what if they all showed up at the hospital at the same time?

Now that that shitty surgery is thankfully over, I'm eating again, and my refrigerator is stocked with the newest brand of probiotic yogurt, one which offers amazing health benefits. I don't like dairy, so I checked the label. Most of it expired yesterday. Is it ok to eat expired yogurt? Is more "good" bacteria even better for my amazing skin? My lack of sunspots, despite spending most mornings on the beach displaying my sleek body to the young men who play volleyball there, helps keep up my youthful hot girl look.

Thinking about where I am now, Holy shit! My life is amazing, and full of possibility. I'm glad I have the opportunity to tell you about it. 

Tonight, I'm attending a sunset goat yoga class at 3rd Street Beach. While that little beast is on my downward dog facing hot little upward butt (I am hoping the goat doesn't decide to wee on my new Lululemon), I'm going to take a look around me. This being Miami, there might be a hot celebrity in the class, and he might be looking back at me. And then, just maybe, I want that goat to have a little oopsy, so whoever the next Zac Efron is comes running over and I can take my pants off.

I'll fill you in next time, wherever you are.

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Thanks for taking the time to read about my amazing life!

My new book "Life Begins With a Vibrator" is coming out soon from Harper Collins (just kidding, it's self-published.)

"3 Hot Guys, 2 Ex-Wives, and My Ridiculously Amazing Life" will be released soon on Medium.

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Note: I'm posting this on behalf of Marissa Narski, who states that some characters and events portrayed are fictitious. All photos from Unsplash and Wikimedia Commons. Some text was generated by RoastGPT.

Edited with ProWritingAid, which tried to take out 13 instances of the word "amazing", but which I put back in to keep things real.