A LETTER TO MY PRESIDENT

Can you imagine four packs of Indomietables costing N1000? I remember buying one for N30 when I was growing up.

Oh! My manners, pardon me.

Dear Sir,

I want to begin with the formalities, but I remember my English teacher saying that for formal letters, we need to hit the nail on its head, so I'll do that.

Everyone is going crazy; the ones who are not probably have high blood pressure and do not know.

This has to be the happiest time in all of history.

Future generations would probably call this period ‘the Happy Age’ as we have ‘the Dark Age,’ the Stone Age, and so on.

The minimum wage is higher than it has ever been, and the workers are happy.

The price of food items, like Indomietables, has skyrocketed. Manufacturers must be happy.

Even the people are happy. Although the prices of food have gone up, random strangers storm their houses and cart their children away to feed them and reduce the burden. In some cases, they return one member of the family to communicate the boarding fees (ransom) of the family members that have been carted away.

You know what else?

One thing that is common with every Nigerian right now is the look of surprise, like how one spouse looks when the other spouse does something surprising or employs the services of Arike’s Surprise Hub. You are our spouse here. At every point, you put something that wows us in our paths. Thank you.

All thanks to you, a foreigner would think the look of surprise is the default look of the average Nigerian.

Sir, do you think Chinua Achebe wanted to write country fall apart when he wrote things fall apart?

Sorry, I digressed; this woman distracted me. She looked surprised at the price my mom called before smiling and talking and talking. She looks like an introvert. You not only put smiles on the faces of Nigerians; you also make introverts talk.

I remember my mummy’s friend saying if she was not so scared of death, she would personally lead people to war, and she'd fight with all her strength.

That's how good you are. You make women want to go to battle.

Everywhere—in the market, in the hospital, in the bus, in worship houses, in churches, precisely—your name is on the lips of everybody.

It is the joy of any brand owner to have the name of his brand on the lips of everyone. If you were a social media manager, Mr. President, at this point, your employer would be forced to give you over a 100 percent raise for this achievement.

Have I mentioned that you have given every Nigerian a raise as well? With the prices in the market, of course.

We can only imagine how happy you are with these achievements.

There is a lot more on your achievement list, but if I continue, it could get into your head.

I hear you have a lot more in stock for us that would make us go crazier, but as in any relationship, baby steps.

I'm grateful you are not forcing all your love down our throats; you are giving it to us in bits. Overdosage or excess love can kill. Mercy Chinwo would argue.

All English teachers always advise that formal letters should be kept short and concise, so I'll keep my pen.

Speaking of pens, do you know how much pens now cost? You most likely wouldn't know; you are too busy trying to find a new way to put a smile on our faces.

We are grateful once more.

Yours Faithfully,

AyoO

If you read to this point, you must be crazy, like me.

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Day 71/100

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