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You're On Your Own Kid

You always have been.

By Nat Published 3 months ago 3 min read
You're On Your Own Kid
Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

I think there's a time to come to new york and a time to leave. I was 17 and I didn't know where the time went. I felt the years but couldn't recall how the days were spent. I was 17 and never once thought I was living on promises I didn't have. I always assumed I'd pull through but sometimes you get caught. I was staring at the years I didn't have but I was still planning for them. I was trying to run but didn't understand why they locked the door. I knocked out a window now I'm lost in the street, and I'm bleeding. I knocked out a window and I ran.

I was 17 and knew I'm not special, so running didn't seem like a bad idea. When I imagine myself I am always leaving. I couldn't draw my face if god had asked me to. Running away is easy it's living that is hard. Did you ever hear about the girl that got frozen? Time went on for everyone else she didn't know it. She's still 17 inside her fantasy. how it was supposed to be. Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Death happens every day you don't have to lose it.

We both had this anger that came from our families. I always knew one of us would leave. I didn't think anyone would die, especially at the age of 17. I wish I could write about anything besides his death. I wish I could see him again. I wish I could still call him a friend. The last thing he ever said to me before the shooting was "we can't keep doing this forever kiddo"He was shot five minutes later in front of me. I could never take him seriously. He understood me though never once asked me to wait or stay. He was the only person who could tell which smiles I was faking.

He was in a coma for two weeks before he died. For 14 days I sat by his side. I was so worried that someone is going to accidentally give him something he is allergic to I physically got sick from it. When his family and I realized that we aren't going to get him back. I shut down. I didn't remember what I was fighting for. If I can't be near him, I'll settle for the ghost of him. I'm a minute from home but I feel so far from it. The death, it's all happening again and I'm angry. The people I lost here the people I loved. They have me surrounded. I needed to leave. I never thought I would walk away. It is what he would have wanted. One of the last times we were together he told me one of us is going to die here. I always thought it was gonna be me and not him.

In a dream, I see him again. He looks exactly the same as the last time, minus the gunshot wound. I remember the newspaper article headline. " Brooklyn teen shot in gang violence." He was so much more than gang violence. He wasn't a bad kid. He wasn't violent, he wouldn't do this. It hurts me to realize that is how he is seen now. I've gotten so good at not flinching at the sound of his name, that people do not know that I'd still throw myself open mouth into the ocean if I could see him again. It's his baby brother's birthday. I didn't realize that now the baby is older than him.



About the Creator



writing about adoption, mental health, and relationships.

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