Why 'Taking It Slow' Might Be Sabotaging Your Dating Life

How often have strangers who wish to date one another talk about 'not rushing' things, being 'friends first' or 'taking it slow’? That's a fine sentiment that can offer more time to get to know that stranger, but the key reason why anyone seeks 'friendship first' is not likely to be positive.

"Taking it slow" is a self-imposed speed limit designed to protect our hearts, to avoid red flags, and ensure we build a lasting relationship. We tell ourselves that by keeping emotional and physical distance in the early stages, we are acting with maturity, self-respect, and caution.

However, there is a fine line between the healthy pacing of a developing friendship and emotional avoidance. When "taking it slow" becomes a rigid protective shield, it ceases to be a strategy for honest connection and quietly becomes a wall. By suppressing natural feelings, and momentum - and overanalysing every interaction - there's a risk of killing the spontaneous spark that brought the two people together in the first place. In fact, what might feel like safe, deliberate pacing is often just fear in disguise, and, if left unchecked, it can end up sabotaging the very relationships we are trying so hard to build.

When we prevent the relationship from developing at its own pace, out of fear of getting hurt, or looking too eager, we send mixed signals to a potential partner. Instead of appearing balanced and confident in our aim, we could appear as indifferent, emotionally unavailable, or disinterested - causing a compatible partner to walk away before the relationship even has a chance to start.

Furthermore, by having a person as a 'friend' before anything intimate, there is a false belief that we will stave off any hurt for a much longer time. But hurt only comes after pleasure. If there is no real pleasure, trust and commitment, there can't be any hurt either!

A genuine connection also thrives on shared energy, spontaneity, and mutual vulnerability. When you apply too many arbitrary rules, like delaying text responses, holding back genuine excitement, unnaturally delaying intimacy, or rationing your time, you introduce fear and friction into the interaction. By constantly applying the brakes, you risk turning an exciting romantic discovery into a sterile, mechanical interview process where genuine emotions are suppressed.

Too many people try to control a relationship because of their fear, instead of allowing it to unfold in its own way. They worry about the future of that relationship, instead of just enjoying it, and allowing it to develop without angst in order to see its possibilities.

In fact, an over-reliance on "taking it slow" actually shifts your focus from experiencing the person to actually evaluating them under a microscope. Instead of enjoying reciprocal attention and affection, your ultra-caution kicks in. You start scanning for flaws, over-analysing minor details, and weighing up risks. This negative mindset simply creates an artificial distance, between a couple, making it nearly impossible to really "get to know them" and to build genuine emotional intimacy.

The Most Effective Way to Know Someone

Regardless of any action to 'take it slow', the sad truth is that, no matter how long we take to know someone new, we will only ever see the superficial face the person wants us to see. The real personality behind the smile or the frown will always remain hidden, and there is a simple reason for that.

The desire for approval and to impress lead to a lot of initial pretence when we meet someone new, as we tend to do what is EXPECTED of us, and not necessariky what suits us. That is why many relationships break down eventually, when crises begin to happen, because of unfulfilled expectations, as the true person is gradually revealed.

From our childhood, we have been taught to please, especially the people who matter to us. Pleasing others brings rewards and benefits, while displeasing them deprives us of attention and value, so we learn to suppress our real feelings in order to get that approval and attention. That is no different in adulthood.

When we meet anyone, particularly in our relationships and jobs, we want to enjoy the situation, or the new date, as much as possible, and so we put our best foot forward to keep in their good books, because when things are fine we will only ever reveal what we wish to reveal. At the same time, we are also tempted to delay the progress of relationships until we have more knowledge about the other person, and feel comfortable with them. That is a healthy attitude that will help our wellbeing.

But when we prolong that familiarisation period through fear, it is likely to prove counterproductive because no matter how long we are given to 'get to know' that person, it will never be long enough. At the start of any relationship it is all about getting the other person to like us as well, so we often agree to do things with them, which we might hate, just to please them!

Again, anyone can seem wonderful when everything is going well, or in their favour. That is also why people are surprised when years later they discover that they don't really know their partner, when they thought they did! But true personalities only come out when there is a crisis. By that time, the two people would have been together for a while and that's when things are likely to go pear shaped because they cannot keep up the pretence forever.  There is always a hidden part which is never revealed because that's how we feel comfortable and secure with others, by not exposing too much of ourselves too soon.

Hence there is a quicker way to know them than ‘taking it slow’: just create an unexpected situation where they have to act spontaneously. That is the best way to find out the real truth about anyone: how they react to a crisis, or to something they don’t like, because that's when they do not have enough time to think, to pose, to impress, or to perform. They have to go by actions, and actions are driven in those circumstances by pure instincts - the first thing that comes to mind, and an authentic character. There is little leeway to plan carefully and perform to expectations.

Crises or disappointments take us out of our comfort zones and force us to react in ways which have to reveal our empathy, values, priorities, motives and resilience. We usually find such moments pretty dramatic and stressful, and will deal with them in the only way we feel is right.

Like the guy I knew who had a crisis at work and just went to pieces. He had no idea for any solution to it and just seemed to enjoy the victimhood of it, blaming everyone else while he did nothing about it. Yet, up to that moment, he had appeared a confident, solid person who seemed happy with his responsibilities and where he was heading. That crisis showed that as long as life was good, he was fine, too. But, his self-esteem was so low, when something went wrong, he couldn't cope with it, and didn't even want to discuss it.

Next time you meet someone and are keen to take things forward, let the Universe do its job without trying to control the pace of the friendship. Don't slow it down or put provisos on to it.  Let it unfold in its own way. You will soon find out much more than you expected because, once a crisis or disappointment rears its head, the pretence and artificiality will disappear. That's the time the real person comes into being, which will also demonstrate whether he/she is actually right for you.

In essence, no matter how long you take to know someone, no matter how long you are together, you are not likely to get the true measure of them until things are going badly, they meet obstacles, or they go off you, so “taking it slow” just increases the emotional investment period without any promise of the desired ending!

The real lesson here is to ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. Enjoy being you at every moment without trying to impress too much or to make them into what you expect. Then go for it. Others should, very soon, discover what they are getting, and whether they like it or not. Otherwise they will simply show you what you want to see, and tell you what you want to hear, while not revealing too much about themselves until they are ready.

Rather than sticking to any arbitrary timeline, the goal should be emotional honesty. Pacing your relationship should not be about holding back out of fear of commitment or the outcome. It should be about noting whether your investment of time, trust, and affection is being returned by the other person. This positive approach should lead to far fewer disappointments in expectations, especially after a greater investment in the friendship.

Do you tend to 'take it slow'? Comment on why you do it, and whether it works for you.