When do I get to show up?

First and probably last over the weekend journaling I’ll do. This is actually my journal entry for today, to which I only do throughout the week and never on the weekend. It’s Sunday and I’m up early, went to bed pretty early last night. Engaged in some self-love care, enjoying the crisp morning air and stillness in the house. I’m drinking some chlorophyll water and realized I’m still lying to myself. It’s been 10 yrs give or take and I’m still not connecting with why I’m so awkward, so inept, feeling uneasy, unfinished.

I’ve considered this to be an on-going upward process; my awakening. Really stupid of me not to consider there’d be some downward spirals. What am I afraid of? What is scaring me the most? I’ve made my peace with not being accepted. I’ve even understood this won’t be for everyone. What is it, then that makes me ready to run, hide and even deny what I feel, how I feel, what I think? Who does it serve to stay hidden? Who does it hurt to be visible? Why do I care or consider others, when I should consider me? This goes really deep.

More work definitely needs to be done? I’ve told myself that not entering or entertaining meeting people was better, it helped me do the work I needed to do within me. Again ten years of doing this, I’m still full circle back at the canvas. It’s blank, nothing to see here. What is it going to take for me to be me? I remember going through phases in high school. One year I was the nerd, studying, doing everything by the book, staying out of trouble, joining scholastic clubs. The next I was the bad girl, getting into trouble, fighting, verbally abusive, barely getting good grades, wearing baggy clothing, thugging, cutting class, sleeping in class. Junior year turned collegiate, dressed in business attire, righted some wrongs, actively submitted to being taught, started paying close attention and studying human behavior, identifying my emotions, getting lost in writing poems, short stories. My last year I was over it all, trying to find my place in anything and that was kind of a blur. I was near a nervous breakdown and became depressed.

I still carried that feeling of being not where I should, doing what I should, saying what I should, even though at the time I was doing exactly what needed to be done. I felt like once I hit a certain age this awkwardness, this unsettling stirring in me would dissipate. In my mind I believed that if I would just do what’s expected of me and stay a “normal” course the input would satisfy me and everyone around me, that this unsettling stir would somehow lessen and I’d be ok. I’ve ignored this feeling, gave it a name and everything. I’m introverted. Yeah that’s it. Nope. Well okay, yeah maybe….? In going through all of those phases, I still wasn’t comfortable, I still had questions. I let them remain in the back of my mind. Keeping actively focused on situations and circumstances that came my way and even gave myself a little pat on the back for working my way through it all. I mean I have a 26 yr old daughter. That’s how deep this goes. I’ve lied not only to myself, I’ve lied to every single person that knows me or has ever made my acquaintance. I’ve diluted, adjusted, recreated, reformatted myself to align myself with what’s normal, what’s expected, what’s biblical.

Thinking back to all of my relationships, friendships and casual acquaintances I can recall how some were just easy to be around, some stressful, and others very questionable. Male wise I’ve had many suitors. Blue-collar, white-collar, political, activist, doctor, soldier, hood professionals (y’all know them corner fellas) even different ethnicities. My child’s father is literally “the boy next door”, if you will. We practically grew up around each other. Only a handful and I do mean count half off one hand were ever sexual. These relationships never went past the “honeymoon” phase and for the most part ended with no hard feelings. A couple of friendships and nothing more. I guess this is why I’ve been able to go several years here, ten years there without being intimate and would inwardly cringe if I’ve caught a male intended eye and went through the “talking stage.”

Throughout the years there have been, let’s call them situations that have transpired where I could’ve owned what I knew to be true, but alas it was put back in its “proper place.” I mean how is it that you encounter someone and they know for themselves who you are, know you are hiding and will fail miserably at bringing forth what you have carefully wrapped and stored away from all to know and see? This happened when I was seventeen, I freaked, I panicked and at nineteen I had my daughter. This is how deep this mess goes. I figured a teen pregnancy would fly better than saying “I’m a girl who likes girls!” Writing this I feel like such an idiot and it hurts but my life, how I was raised, this and how I know what most of the people around me think about same sex relationships became a catalyst for my decision to be what’s expected to be.

Only a few years ago, I’ve been doing some real soul searching and questioning my existence and what am I here for that I’ve gone, am going through an energy surged transformation that’s forcing me to come to terms and stop hiding what I feel, what I think and how I want to be seen. I started with working on how I communicate with my family, co-workers, and anyone who crosses my path. I began to listen to hear what’s being said and not prepare a defense response. I’ve initiated and encouraged some “hard conversations” with people that are close to me. In doing this, quite a few people even family members have been removed from my life. The peace, the clarity, the strength and energy I gained and could feel anew each morning I wake is at best unexplainable. Still, even still I feel like I’m trying to process, compute and engage the source of my existence. Why is this hard? Is anything worth it’s weight or wait if it’s easy? What the hell is wrong with me? It has to come and I know it will. I’m still here! I’m enjoying myself. I’m trying hard to forgive myself and for now that’s enough for me, the real me!