What are the “Right Words”?

The silence was deafening. Suffocating. The dim-lit room was dampening the mood even more. Seo-Yul, a 17-year-old idol, the lead singer of his group, is sitting on his bed contemplating if anyone can even call him an “idol” anymore. It’s almost 8 p.m., and he knows that someone will be coming to this room at any second now. He doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want to think.

Words. Words. Words. So many words inside of his head. Making excuses. Reliving what happened, hoping for a better outcome that he knows would never happen. He never knew that trying to stop thinking was this hard.

What am I supposed to tell my team and my fans? Is there a point in explaining? How can I be this unlucky? I just...just wanted to sing. Was it too much to ask for?

Why? Why? Why? STOP, just STOP!!!

So many thoughts wrecked inside his head, unable to find out. Unable to find a single answer for his situation right now.

He wanted to scream at whoever decided his fate!

He wanted to yell at deities for taking his dream away.

His hands slowly started clawing around his neck, trying to let his thoughts out, trying to scream, but his voice was against him.

Seo-Yul is feeling like his whole life is breaking apart over and over again. Head heavy with unspoken words. Chest heavy with pain.

He hears a knock.

Seo-Yul’s head snaps towards the door. He hopes that the person who is knocking is Hannie. No, he prays it’s Hannie.

Han-Seol, aka Hannie, is the rapper of his group. Seo-Yul was the same age as Hannie, so they bonded well. Seo-Yul judges, it’s okay if it is Hannie, not the manager. He was not ready to deal with the management anyway. He is unprepared to hear the final decision even though he already knows it.

Seo-Yul kept looking at the door, longing for Hannie to walk in. He didn’t realize till now that he needed him right now. Hannie would know what to do next.

A few seconds pass by. No one comes in.

He hears the knocking again. It’s a bit stronger this time, and Seo-Yul gets slightly startled. He sees the way the handle slowly opens and holds his breath.

A food tray appears first, then the hand.

He sighs in relief.

Hannie comes in with a gentle smile on his face. He was wearing black, and Seo-Yul was wearing blue. Same as the day they were introduced as group members. He keeps his eyes on Hannie as he hands him the food tray as if it were a peace offering. He got strawberries and peaches separately. Hannie always made sure to memorize what the members liked the most. He is not looking at him, though. His eyes keep wandering around the room, avoiding to meet the eyes.

Seo-Yul thinks Hannie looks somewhat scared, and that’s the first time he has seen this expression on him. He notices the light, dark circles and a bit of untidy hair. It’s weird to see his wavering eyes. Hannie was always so... so... he can’t find the right words. He never needed to because he just knew. Hannie and his members were just always there for each other.

Hannie is now staring at him, trying to read him. He has never done that before, too. Hannie was not the one not to speak, unlike the youngest.

He gestures for Seo-Yul to eat, goes towards the table in the corner, and sits down. Seo-Yul watches as he takes a notebook from the book pile and starts writing something.

Who even writes these days? That’s a rare sight.

Seo-Yul thinks of taking a photo because Hannie looks so serious it’s almost funny. He suddenly realizes that his brain is quiet now.

He thinks that Hannie is contemplating what to write, though. He keeps scratching over the words, turning the page, and starting over to write.

Repeat.

Seo-Yul wants to say that he only lost his voice, not his hearing.

He needs to know why Hannie is not speaking to him. Not once since his surgery ended the doctor informed them about the complications. It was clear that Seo-Yul could never sing, let alone talk.

Seo-Yul’s eyes tear up at the memory. He wants to tell Hannie to go away if he doesn’t want to speak. He hates this silence. He opens his mouth, only to let out a strangled wheeze.

It startled Hannie. He can see the panicked look in his eyes, trying to figure out if he is in pain or needs something. Seo-Yul hates this. He watches over as Hannie leaves the notebook and comes to him. He sits beside him, studying Seo-Yul’s face.

He really hates this. He never liked to see people worry because of him. Now, look at what he has done. Seo-Yul is feeling guilty. Angry. Stressed. Anxious. His thoughts start to run wild again as he thinks that Hannie is writing about how the management has decided to remove him from the group.

What’s the use of the “lead singer” who can’t sing?

Seo-Yul can feel his heart trying to escape. Escape from everything and run and hide and...

He feels Hannie slowly engulfing him in a warm hug as if he is saying everything will be okay. Seo-Yul knows that he is trying to comfort him. But he also knows that the reality is far from OK. Seo-Yul doesn’t understand how other people deal when something like this happens. He hugs him tighter as he opens his eyes and stares at the wall over Hannie’s shoulder. He can’t think of a future for him. He can’t see himself doing anything. It’s all...Black.

Hannie slowly pulls away. He runs his hand gently around Seo-Yul's bandaged neck as if deciding something and ends up ruffling Seo-Yul’s hair leaving him confused. Hannie pulls his hand back and walks over to the table again. This time, he turns on the lights full-on as Seo-Yul squints away.

He gives a blaming look, sits down, and turns a new page. He writes something, reads it over, and nods to himself. Then he brings the notebook over to Seo-Yul and gives it to him. He sorts out the wrinkles of the bed while Seo-Yul stares with big eyes at what he wrote.

Hannie wrote, “Let’s start anew, Yul-ah. Members have already decided to start a Themed cafe with you. It can be any theme you want. Let’s start something new, shall we?”

Seo-Yul pries his eyes away from the note and stares disbelievingly.

He was so busy thinking about how everyone would be disappointed in him. He can never become a singer again as he wanted so much. And the members are simply moving on and want him to be a part of it! Making music and performing worldwide is their dream, too! That’s what they sacrificed their whole life for.

This is ridiculous! Life is not a fairytale to risk leaving the agency with him to start doing something that might not even be a success. He takes his phone to type to tell Hannie not to be so reckless and give up all their hard work. He wants to say that all the times they practiced till every morsel of their body started to hurt, all the hardships they went through to get here, shouldn’t be thrown away like this. He types it halfway and stops.

He glances at Hannie only to see him looking up at the roof. His eyes are glazed with tears, and he is trying not to cry.

What was he thinking? This wasn’t an easy decision for them either. He realizes too late that it’s not just him who lost his dream. The truth is that if one member fails, the whole group fails. A replacement might work, but it is not guaranteed.

He puts the phone down and turns the pages backward.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

He is crying and he can’t stop his tears from falling as he reads.

There are so many unfinished sentences. Seo-Yul sees what Hannie had written, trying to console him and how he had tried to tell him about management’s decision to replace him with Chang-in or disband. Chang-in is one of the best solo vocalists in the agency. Much better than him. He thinks the group would have a better chance with Chang-In than him. He mostly struggles to find what else Hannie has tried to write. Words scratched over. The corners of some pages are torn a bit, and some are wrinkled. The next page is the same. The next page is even worse. He kept on turning till the page he started writing first.

When he read it, he almost thought that Hanni was telepathic. Then he realizes that Hannie and his team are no longer just friends. They are already his family.

“I’m sorry Yul-Ah. How can I talk to you when I can’t even figure out the RIGHT WORDS to pick so you won’t feel hurt?”

And it is the truth. Whatever anyone tells would hurt him because he knows nothing can bring his voice back. Hannie has been so considerate, trying all this time to figure out the right words so that he won’t accidentally make him feel hurt.

Seo-Yul lost his voice. He has to live with it, not only for himself but for his members, his brothers, who already decided to sacrifice their whole future for him. Suddenly, he starts to think that he is not alone in this. He never was, to begin with.

Starting a cafe is far from achieving his dream. But it can be his future. It can be their future; for better or worse, he knows his brothers will never leave him.

He feels warmth flooding in as the corner of his lips tugs into a smile.

He wipes his tears, looks at Hannie, and nods.

Seo-Yul sees the tension in Hannie’s shoulders fade away as he smiles. Hannie closes his eyes and nods back.

“We got this”

It left unspoken but felt for both.

Sometimes, actions speak louder than the right words.