On Thursday I apologized for opening the restroom door.
I was at work, and as I pushed open the door to the restroom a very startled woman was pulling it towards her from the inside.
This probably happens dozens of times a day.
This time, though, I smiled and said "Ooops, I'm sorry!"
She smiled and said "OK!"
And we both went on our way.
I apologized for opening the door.
She accepted the apology.
On Wednesday I gave an update on a situation I researched.
It didn't turn out the way I'd hoped, and it had taken me a few hours to unravel the particulars.
As I gave the update I apologized for the length of time I took, even though that was out of my control and I worked through things as quickly as I could.
The man I was speaking to told me there was no need to apologize. I almost had to bite my cheek to stop from apologizing for apologizing.
Why am I so sorry?
Part of the reason is habit. As a child and as a young mom my instinct was to keep the peace at any cost. Smooth things over.
Make nice.
People in volatile families can be pulled in two opposing directions: strike out or make nice.
I've done both, but the peace-keeping actions are more socially acceptable.
The rest of the reason is substituting "sorry" for another emotion.
One I don't want to acknowledge or vocalize.
I was embarrassed at almost smacking her with the door.
I could have said "Excuse me" instead of apologizing.
No need for the self-deprecating apology.
I was peeved about the length of time it took me to find out unsatisfactory information.
I could have said "I'm frustrated it took so long to get back to you."
I could have said "I'm irritated about the information I discovered."
I could have not said anything.
Just the facts.
I took the unconfident stance of apologizing.
I was aware of these two incidences because I've gradually come to realize that I apologize a lot.
I don't like it and I'm working to change the behavior.
To my own ears, I sound less confident.
Subservient.
And egotistical.
Germaine Greer said:
Women live lives of continual apology.
They are born and raised to take the blame for other people's behavior.
If they are treated without respect,
they tell themselves that they have failed to earn respect.
If I actually had the power to control everything, then apologizing would make sense.
But I don't, so it doesn't.
Apologizing too much is like asking people to give you a pass.
Asking them to validate your efforts.
Trying to get them to say you've done a good job.
It's wearing a new dress and saying "this old thing?" when you get a compliment.
Deflecting to gain more.
That's not who I want to be.
I want to be genuine.
Sincere.
Taking credit when I deserve it and remaining focused on the situation.
Confident in my work.
Comfortable in my skin.
I appreciated the reminder that there was no need to be sorry.
If there is a next time that someone calls me on an unneeded apology, I'll respond with "You're right, thank you."
About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
You can also find me on Medium
And please follow me on Threads, too!
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Comments (10)
Definitely an over apologiser but all a ridiculous thank youer as well. Definitely made me think!
Oh I feel this, the apologies, I think I stopped apologizing (for anything small) a few years ago and it is a freeing moment
This makes a lot of sense. A lot of us are told to apologize and to maintain the peace, but we're never really affirmed in our own peace. Coming from a household of strong women the only apologizing that was done was done when one was harmed, insulted, betrayed, lied to/betrayed, etc. That doesn't mean the men in my family's household were weak either. My mom was the type of woman to tell, not yell, at my principal to "grow some balls and do the right thing cause it's the right thing to do." And that was her unprofessional vernacular. She was brutal with it came to keeping the utmost professionalism cause she would allow them to paint themselves into a corner. It is a common thing that people, especially women, need to stop self-deprecating when it comes to their use of language. Words have strong psychological effects.
This. I haven’t thought too much about it but there are times it’s not an apology that is needed; thank you for permission to not make myself small anymore! We don’t have to accept that!
How have you done with this over the last three years since you published this, Judey? Because I still stink with it. And that's with me being male where my first impulse is to find an excuse or shift the blame & I have to remind myself that it's easier & less complicated simply to be honest &/or apologize.
Yes, yes, yes, Judey! I remember growing up, I was told more than once that apologizing for something was a way to keep the peace. The older I get, the less I apologize. If I haven't done anything wrong or am not responsible for a situation, I don't have to "own" anything. But that's the beauty of getting older. With experience, we learn to listen to ourselves instead of those who would rather see us fail.
Outstanding piece!!! Loved it!!!❤️❤️💕
I loved this. It actually shined a light on some personal items I'm working through. GREAT piece! :)
You sure you're not Canadian? It's so ingrained in us, I apologize if someone bumps into me. Great article, and you're right, it's not necessary.
I think the number of Top Stories and the high esteem Vocal hold you in show how you have progressed, but this is excellent as well