Throughout your life, no one will love you solely for your achievements.

After staying in the psychology industry for a long time, the more books I read and stories I heard, the more I discovered

The original sin of many inner problems is a kind of strict self-requirement that is almost paranoid:

Be excellent, be a good person, and make no mistakes

To meet these requirements, some people are paranoid, some are depressed, and some have schizophrenia.

So, I often encourage everyone to relax in my articles:

It doesn't matter if you're not tremendous/unsatisfactory/make some mistakes.

But many friends were confused after reading it:

It's related.

How can I survive in the social competition if I am not outstanding?

How can my parents and teachers recognize me if I am not suitable?

I can only get into a good school or company if I'm good.

If I am not good, how can I attract the other half?

These confusions are legitimate.

Even though pursuing excellence too much can make people mentally unhealthy.

But it is true that only by being better can one be more adaptable to survival and gain more love and recognition.

Self-imposed excellence vs. healthy self-acceptance,

There is an irreconcilable contradiction.

Therefore, it is necessary to write an article to clarify.

The pursuit of excellence does not necessarily bring about inner problems;

Our actual internal conflicts,

It comes from a utilitarian aesthetic that has been rooted in my heart since childhood:

How much love, appreciation, and recognition a person can get depends on how good they are.

If you are excellent, I will be close to you. Otherwise, I will ignore you;

If you are excellent, I will recognize you. Otherwise, I will belittle you.

Our level of excellence defines our worth and determines how we treat each other.

It is undeniable that this critical standard is tangible and visible in society.

In social competition, excellence is indeed essential.

The disadvantages of not being excellent can be seen everywhere:

If you are not exceptional, you cannot get a higher salary;

If you have a low score, you will not be able to enter a prestigious school with a high concentration of top students;

If you delay, you will only be criticized by your colleagues

If I'm not good, I'll worry about:

Will others dislike me?

Will others not be attracted to me;

Will others think I am useless

Only if I am good will everything get better.

These competition rules effectively motivate those who work hard and maintain the fairness of everyone's efforts and gains.

The real problem is that.

Under the influence of the social environment, we regard excellence as the most critical talisman and habitually use it to define human value.

And bring this social utilitarian aesthetic back home.

Little do we know, once the rules of social competition are incorporated into our personal lives and emotions, what a price it will bring.

Many parents, to make their children more adaptable to society, and to become excellent parents themselves and have more face and status, among others, use various methods to make their children outstanding.

Therefore, in the family where love and security are best, the most cruel law of survival of the fittest is used:

Prefer children with good grades and give them more care;

The whole family is happy when the exam is good, and the Children are rewarded.;

Struggling in exams can create a gloomy atmosphere within the family and lead to feelings of hopelessness. The belief that our worth is tied to our academic performance can be ingrained from a young age and reinforced by societal pressures.

Excellence has become a weapon and defense for someone to walk in the world.

But it also left a big gap in people's hearts:

The real me doesn't deserve love; only the excellent ones deserve love. So, you have to constantly push yourself to be perfect to stop being so fearful.

This has become an essential source of inner conflict for modern people.

The famous psychological counselor, Mr. Robert, once shared a story.

During the consultation, a female client asked him: If you give me a score, 100 points is a perfect score; how many points would you give me?

The teacher felt very sudden at that moment.

This means erasing all three-dimensional aspects of this person, putting her on a flat scale of excellence, and utilitarianally evaluating her quality.

Counselors are generally reluctant to do this.

But this way of scoring seems normal to this female visitor.

She had been living in a rather harsh family with a pair of instrumental parents. They instilled in her this idea:

If you are 90%, I will love you 90%.

If you only have 20 points, I will only give you 20% of my love.

If you become an unsatisfactory person due to some reasons, such as low test scores or a car accident, then I may love you less.

Therefore, when she raised this request in front of Teacher Zeng, it was essentially:

She needs this score to confirm her value and level of acceptance.

This type of judgment is understandable in the workplace.

But it's terrible when it comes to family, love, and friendship.

Mainly when it occurs in a person's early life environment.

Dr. David Burns of the University of California has researched perfectionistic parents.

He found that these parents had difficulty purely rewarding their children's behavior. Moreover, once their children do something wrong or do not do well enough, they will be very dissatisfied and even withdraw their love for their children.

This approach also happens to parents who pursue excellence.

If the child misbehaves, their parents may withhold their love.

Even if the children perform well, they will add a devilish "but" after the praise:

This time, it was good, but you can do better.

The subtext is:

You need to be better.

So, we learned from a young age that to get enough love and attention, we must constantly pursue excellence.

No matter how hard I pursue it, meeting my parents' standards of excellence is difficult, so I can only struggle.

Once this pattern becomes ingrained, many problems arise.

What are the consequences of this domestication of exchanging excellence for love?

According to psychoanalysis, excellence can become a self-imposed compulsion due to early interactions with parents.

The parents who consistently remind us of our strengths will influence our inner dialogue.

It appears in many scenes to remind, spur, and judge us.

A reader left me a message:

One time, she accidentally messed up a little thing at home.

Neither her husband nor her children blamed her, but she mainly blamed herself at that moment:

Why do I still make such low-level mistakes?

Why am I so useless? I can't do such a small thing well;

Why am I always like this

When she calmed down, she realized:

It turns out that this voice of blame that appears occasionally was my mother's voice when I was a child.

The same tone, the same ferocity.

This voice appears in every moment of screw-up, relaxation, and joy.

Criticize her and make her feel bad about herself;

Urging her so that she dared not relax

Excellence is not a spontaneous pursuit.

Instead, it has become a defense against criticism and habitual self-punishment.

At the same time, we think that our true selves are flawed,

And dwell on his own mistakes.

Let's get back to Teacher Robert's visitors.

She thinks her true self is 90%.

Under the long-term guidance of her parents that she was "not good enough," even if she did well, she could only give herself 90 points.

But Teacher Zeng said that he was unwilling to give her 90 points.

If so, he becomes just like her parents.

Then, in the future, she will continue to live with disgust for 10% of her shortcomings, which will affect her ability to enjoy the happiness she should have:

I have good grades, but my emotional intelligence is not high;

I was careful, but I didn't see the big picture;

I did well this time, but I could be better every time

These 10 points of "but" will always follow closely behind self-satisfaction.

It Makes us unable to be satisfied with ourselves throughout our lives.

Utilitarianism will be used to judge others, including those closest to you.

It is customary in the workplace to evaluate a person based on their level of excellence.

But in daily communication and various relationships, it is the killer of relationships.

Every person possesses multiple dimensions of excellence in their life.

When we use excellence to demand ourselves, we will also use utilitarianism to evaluate others and habitually filter out non-existent traits.

Find fault with your lover's incompetence, condemn your children's mistakes, and privately mock your friends' shortcomings. I can't see their other shining points, their love and dedication.

Under this utilitarian aesthetic, being satisfied with the people around us can be challenging.

When you get to know people well, their flaws become apparent.

This kind of exposure was originally a sign of their trust in us, but it became the source of our fault and neglect of them.

Finally, it is a desperate self-abandonment,and fear of incompetence.

What will happen when we can't always be good?

At this time, depression and decadence will be born. Because no matter what you do, you can't get stable love and warmth.

At this time, flattery and humiliation will occur. Because others are excellent, you should compliment them.

It is when emotional control occurs. Because other than that, I don't know how to keep love.

It happens more often in older parents.

They must manipulate public opinion, demand filial piety from their children, and scold them for being unfilial if they don't do what they want.

They worry about being abandoned and mistreated when they are no longer capable, like children who fail tests.

These tossings are a deep fear of being abandoned.

Someone may ask:I have become accustomed to seeing myself and others this way.

Or, what should I do if I don't push myself/children to be excellent and become lax and decadent?

A more realistic solution is to use a more affluent aesthetic to inspire us to live healthier.

Teacher Robert later talked about his "scoring" of the visitors.

He said 100 points is a perfect score.

The visitor was happy but quickly stopped and said: I would be happier if it were 90 points, because that is the truth.

The teacher disagreed and said something very healing:"

I give you 100 points, and it's true.

I view you as a whole being, not divided into good or bad, but rather as God's perfect creation.

Even if you are a disabled person, I will not deduct points for you because of your disability.

That part is also a crucial aspect of your being, but it may be limited in practical terms.

After listening to this passage, I felt warm in my heart:

Everyone is a complete individual.

The rounded parts have the beauty of harmony, and the incomplete ravines also have the beauty of strength and sadness.

It deserves to be viewed and appreciated as a unique piece of art.

Only with this aesthetic can we avoid tying ourselves and others to the "excellence" scale and becoming a point.

Instead, you can maintain respect for the complete individual and replace criticism with appreciation:

People who are prone to depression have sensitive and delicate charm;

A rational and restrained person, logical and sexy;

Introverted people who talk less have a sense of stability that is calm and contemplative

Moreover, in this aesthetic, we will know how to appreciate and love ourselves better and spontaneously move in a better and better direction.

Because excellence is not the reason for being loved but the result of being loved.

There is only one genuinely excellent motivation:

In being loved and appreciated, feel unique and precious, and work hard from the bottom of your heart.

Just like a passage in the super healing high-scoring variety show "Pink Heroes to the Rescue":

I want to get up early, not because I can only sleep some nights.

But I want to.

I want to live every day well.

Because the real me deserves love and good things:

I dare to pursue and enjoy all good things,

Because I am worthy;

I want to become excellent and better,

Because I am worthy;

I will not be too decadent and give up on myself,

Because I can't bear to let such a good self be so addicted.

These are the natural and healthy motivations for a person to become excellent.