“We never expect the way that things that started out so beautifully end because we never think there will be an end, let alone one that ends in flames with the person that we thought we once knew so well becoming a stranger making us question everything. -m.f.”
It’s over and you’re feeling a million different things. Hurt. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Confusion. Loss. Loneliness. Just to name a few.
You’re also probably asking yourself why. A thousand times over again. Because to you, there was no warning. It just happened, and now you have to deal with it.
It’s hard to know how you’re supposed to deal with something that you never expected to happen, happen to you at least. Something that you never saw coming. Something that you never thought the person that you loved, possibly even wanted to marry would ever do to you.
And now you’re left trying to process it all. Not knowing what you even should feel. Because there’s a part of you that still loves them, very much. And a part of you that hates them and never wants to see them again. A part of you that wants to hurt them like they hurt you, show them all the pain that they’ve caused you; and another part that just wants to be there for them and give them a hug because you know that they probably need it.
The hardest part of all of this is not knowing why. Never seeing it coming. Thinking everything was fine one day and then getting a text the next destroying everything that you thought you once knew. Your fairytale turning into a nightmare before you eyes. A person that you once loved, still probably do love very much turning into a monster. It’s painful to think that someone who you thought you once knew so well is now a stranger now, unable to be identified by the parts of the person you once knew.
“We started out as strangers, now we're strangers again. The things I love about you, I'm supposed to forget. -Fletcher”
Causing you pain they once promised never to. Lashing out at you for no reason. Accusing you of things that you aren’t guilty for. Unapologetic of what they have done. In denial of it all. Making you feel like they are taking a piece of you with them. Leaving you with questions that you will never get answers to. Leaving you wondering if it all was ever real.
It’s been a week and you think that you’re good. You tell yourself that you’re stronger than this. You tell your friends, yourself that they mean nothing to you. That you’re over them. That you’ve cried enough, thought about them enough. That you’re ready to move on. That you’re okay.
And I’m sure there’s a part of you that wants to believe that. A part that thinks that if you tell yourself that enough times that it will become reality. But, deep down you know that it’s all a lie. These are the things that we all tell ourselves because they’re the escape that our hearts want. The path that helps us escape everything that we don’t want to feel. All the pain that we feel. All the emotions that consume us and seem to never stop. The thoughts that rush over us when we lay alone in bed at night, wide awake in the silence of the night. The things that make us feel like we are being pushed over the edge, to our breaking point. Running a thousand miles an hour round and round in our heads making us feel like it’ll never end, unescapable. Replaying, feeling everything over and over again, just wanting it to stop. You just want it to end. And you think that finding someone else will stop it.
You just want everything that you feel was ripped away from you from the person that you once thought fulfilled your everything.
A rebound, but you don’t want to call it that. But, that’s what that person would be. Because you haven’t given yourself permission to properly heal, to try to without you trying to rush it, letting yourself feel it all. All the good with all the bad. Spending time with the things that you don’t want to feel. Trying to make peace with what happened. You might think that you have, but we both know that you haven’t. You aren’t there yet. You’re not ready to forgive, you’re not ready to move on, and that’s okay.
“When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you know you have healed. -Unknown”
You’re trying to rush a process that doesn’t have a time limit for a reason. A chapter of your life that you aren’t completely ready to close. A part of your heart that you weren’t ready to have taken when it was ripped away. And maybe that’s part of why it’s all so hard to swallow, you didn’t have a choice. The choice was made for you. That effected you. That ruined something beautiful. A choice that shattered your world as you knew it. A huge part of your life that you now want to forget about as if it didn’t happen. You can’t expect yourself to just “get over” someone in a week that you spent much more than a week of your life with. That’s wrong to expect that of yourself, especially if they really did mean something to you. And that amount of pain you feel, should show you how much they actually did mean to you, how much you loved them.
So here’s the thing; you might be right and they might be wrong or vice versa. But, while that may have ended things. This isn’t about blame. It isn’t going to help you heal and make peace with what happened.
“she was trying to walk away and hold on at the same time that’s the mind at war with the heart." -r.h. Sin
It did happen. And even though it may have ended in a way that you never imagined, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t still beautiful. That there weren’t so many good memories that you had, and smiles that you shared. It doesn’t mean that the love that you once shared wasn’t real. It’s a part of your story, not the end. You are so much more than what anyone or anything can do to you. And you have to remember that people come into our lives for a reason, some for a season, some for a lifetime. But, the time that they stay in our lives isn’t always up to us. Nor are the lessons that they teach us. Lessons that we usually don’t even realize until years after. And part of finding peace is accepting what happened, but seeing it all as a whole. Letting go of control, and that control (choice) being taken away from you.
It takes more strength to face the things that scare you, and that you don’t want to feel then to try to escape, ignore, or replace it.
And now you have two choices: spend time with your feelings and emotions, and everything else that you don’t want to think about or feel now, and heal properly, in time, when you’re ready, and don't let this pain stay with you. Or you can ignore it, and try to hide and suppress it, unless it reappears manifesting itself, bleeding into other areas of your life and ruining relationships that could have possibly been something great. And by that time, when they make their presence felt again, they will make themselves heard, and felt like a tornado you never saw coming.
Someone else might distract you temporarily, but they can’t fix you. They can’t heal you. You have to do that for you. And how are you supposed to start something new, when you’re still trying to heal, when you’re still hurting. That’s not fair to you or them. You want to find love and everything you lost. But, you can’t find that if you aren’t seeing clearly. If every time you try to take a step forward, the pain that you tried to ignore pulls you back. You can’t expect to attract the right souls when you’re still broken yourself. The best ones always find you when you aren’t looking for them. It takes a strong person to love and be secure enough in themselves to be alone.
“You can’t fix yourself while holding on to the person who broke you." -Courtney Gano
Here’s what I really need you to know: the things you feel now, you can either choose to address and make peace with in your present, or in your future. But, you can’t escape them forever. Allow yourself to feel it fully, but don't let it consume you. Don't let it control you. That's how you get your power back. When the waves come, let them hit you. Don't let them knock you down. The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt, and the longer you refuse to feel it, the more it hurts. Feeling broken right now doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Grieving comes in waves just as crying does, but it does end. It takes time to put the pieces back together, but you can only become stronger by first becoming broken.
A phoenix rises from the ashes in time, stronger than ever. Healing is something that you do for you, not for anyone else. This time is an act of self love, and you owe it to yourself. You might not have deserved what happened to you, but you do deserve to be happy and to find peace. The questions you are asking yourself, the closure you want; you have to give it to yourself. Trying to understand why. Even if you do get answers, they won’t be the ones that you wanted. They won’t make it okay. They won’t help you make peace with what happened. They won’t help you find it in your heart to forgive. All the things that we think that we need from others, we can give to ourselves. The things that we need to give to ourselves. People think that these are things you do for others, but they’re things you do for yourself. Mental healing by self-love.
“As you get older you begin to realize that you are made up of so many broken things. Things you believed could certainly destroy you, but instead shattered against you. The pieces become part of you, like little shards of broken glass that sometimes hurt, but could never break you." -JmStorm
Self-love means taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first through the good and the bad. It means doing what needs to be done for your happiness: emotionally, physically, and intellectually. And it isn’t always easy or painless. But, it’s worth it.
It took me a long time to get to this point, and to make peace with the things that have happened in my past and the people that have hurt me. It took a lot of time. Sometimes, months. Sometimes, years. Sometimes, feeling it all over again. You don’t deserve that. You can’t skip the bad parts, but you don’t have to feel them forever.
Give yourself time. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to process. Love yourself.
This isn’t about them. It’s about you. It’s for you.
This isn’t forever. This is for now. Grow through what you go through. This can either make you bitter or better. It’s up to you.
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life." -Shah Rukh Khan