Tell Me Who Hurt You
Anger: This isn't about a hand in the cookie jar. This is about the kind that consumes.
It does not make me mad or hate you. Your feelings are completely valid. I just want to know, who hurt you. Who hurt you so deeply that they have left this much of a mark on you. That you see the slightest hint of, that you run as fast and as far as you can. I can't even begin to imagine, comprehend what you have felt.
I know that you are so much more than your anger. Because I know that even though this seems like it's all about me, it really isn't. The things we often see in others are a reflection of ourselves; parts of ourselves. The parts we like, the parts we don't like, and the parts we aren't even aware are within ourselves.
Our redeeming qualities. Our unlikeable ones. Our hopes. Our wants. Our insecurities. Our fears.
Anger comes from somewhere. There’s a reason behind it. Often not the reason we think, or that others think. Not the most obvious. It’s about something bigger, deeper. The things we don’t want to feel. The things we’ve repressed, forgotten. The people who have hurt us, wronged us. The people who want what we don't have. Loss. The things that others have made us feel that we didn't want to feel. Things we have thought we’ve moved on from, gotten over. Feelings left invalidated. Closure left unresolved. Healing left bleeding. Pain left unacknowledged. Things you thought you’d made peace with. Things that we didn’t even know affected us until we are erupting. Emotions that were once kept in line and just wanted to be heard, ignored. Left alone, growing until they become unbearable. Awakened by someone, something. Like setting a bomb off. Feelings both good and bad. Anger doesn’t just develop from nothing.
"Everyone has a chapter they don't read aloud."
It's just not fair to expect people to know about things that you've never told them about. I understand self-love and protective boundaries. But, if you punish people in your present and future for what others did to you in your past, you will miss out on the good that could have been there. I know we see the signs and want to run. But, everyone deserves a chance. And just because someone hurt you in your past, that doesn't mean that everyone who reminds you of them will.
You can't expect someone to have knowledge and act accordingly if they are never educated.
I believe that anger stems from some sort of pain. And how terrible it is to think that the intensity of the reaction created is how deeply hurt someone was by somebody else, whether that was the intention or not.
You might not know why, who, what, or how. But, anger is pain redirected, misdirected. It’s a manifestation of something that eats us alive—often, without us even knowing until something knocks the top off, and you hit your breaking point.
We often see pain as a bad thing, a negative emotion. But, in all realty it’s more of a cry for help. A scream saying “I’m hurt or I’ve been horribly hurt.”
And because of this our anger jumps to conclusions, and oftentimes is able to take control of so much of our feelings and emotions, especially in the moment, and it makes things a hundred times bigger than we would ever want them to be. It hurts people. Relationships. Friendships. Family. Consuming us. Manifesting until it can’t be ignored anymore—if we allow it to.
Our feelings and emotions refuse to hide forever. They will demand to be felt sooner or later. Harmless or toxic. A healthy release or an unhealthy one. They will get out and be released. It has to come out. The timing is up to you. And that determines whether you control them, or let them control you. Just know that you are stronger than your pain. It might not be easy, it might not happen over night, but you are stronger.
"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life." -Akshay Dubey
The pain we all feel as humans is one of the most powerful things in this world that we all feel. As to whether it connects us or divides us is up to us.
Anger doesn’t need anger in response. It just need to be heard for what it really is. Not on the surface, but at its heart. Anger is pain projected. Face value, initial emotion, but not the real story.
It’s the pain we don’t want to feel and acknowledge. It’s easy to take the worn path, challenging to go against the status quo. Because the pain that is shown that often seems like it came out of nowhere is one of the deepest kinds. It comes from the parts that we have worked so hard to keep bottled up, hidden. The most painful pain. The pain we haven't fully healed from, made peace with. The parts that others never see, until they come out, full force.
"your heart confused as your mind then takes on the task of going to war with the emotions you cultivated based on the words of someone who never meant the things they said." -r.h. Sin
Because you can't hide from your pain forever. Blaming others when it's really about something that has nothing to do with them. Ignoring the real problem because it's far harder to face, to address, to feel. Confusing the things others say with no intention to harm with the parts of ourselves that have felt harm. Protecting ourselves from the people who make us feel the things we don't want to feel.
Anger comes from thinking that you’re not understood. The pain of thinking that no one understands your pain. Or that they do and want to use it against you.
You may have thought of all this before, you may not have. It’s not a revolutionarily new idea. It’s bringing light to it. To a different way of thinking, a different perspective. To being in control rather than being controlled. Seeing people and their actions for what they truly are, not what they seem to be.
No conclusions, just understanding.
All people ever want to be is understood. But, that doesn’t mean it’s always initiated by the person you want to understand. It starts with the will. The will to see beyond one's anger.
One thing I’ve learned is that understanding brings so much comfort. It allows us to release the negative emotions, because it allows us to feel more, to empathize more. To separate our initial emotions and see the situation from the other side. To see beyond ourselves and our own emotions.
We all want to know why, but aren’t willing to take the time to find it if it’s not handed to us. People are complex, and you’re foolish to think you’d be able to figure them out like a door code. Because the more we understand, the less that upsets us. Even if the reason doesn’t always make sense to us or is what we want. Because at least that’s easier to live with than not knowing at all, than not trying at all. Just blaming it on an emotion, letting it be destructive.
But that closure. Comes from you. You can’t rely on others for the closure you seek. And sometimes that closure comes from being willing to understand why without being explicitly told. Sorting out feelings. Breaking it all down. Considering what could have caused it.
I don't think about things that happened to simmer on them. To be the victim or try to attract any sort of sympathy. I think about them to try to understand. Everything happens for a reason. And we are so much more than our initial emotions. They're like dominos and it's not always so obvious being able to find the one that started it all.
This isn't me trying to tell you that anger means someone is wounded or a victim. This is me saying that there is so much beyond it. And that sometimes it just wants to be heard, understood. Even if they won't always let you.
It's a terrifying thing to let other see the parts of ourselves that we don't even want to see. The parts that are broken, that are in pain. The parts that we don't want to feel. I never said that it was easy, I know that. But, these parts aren't your flaws. They aren't your downfall. They are the parts that, if you let them, will make you stronger. Parts of who you are. And not everyone who wants to see them wants to cause you pain.
Because no matter how much pain we all have felt, we would not wish it on anyone else. No one deserves that.
It’s not fair to think that no one will understand if you don’t give anyone the chance to.
You can't make something better without it becoming broken first. Without giving it the opportunity to become whole again in a different way, a better way.
The anger that comes out is a glimpse of what has been silenced for far too long and is finally making its voice heard. It's not about fault. It's about understanding, at least trying to. Even if it doesn't go both ways, because it causes more pain not too.
Society has taught us to view emotions and feelings as taboo subjects and things that aren't important to acknowledge and address. It has told us that to feel is not cool. And to show is a sign of weakness. Society is wrong.
"It's an act of bravery to feel all your feelings."-Gayle Forman
All the pain you feel. The good. The bad. The anger. The love. It's all valid. But, you don't have to carry it all alone. You don't have to keep it all in. It doesn't make you weak to feel. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. To share. To have baggage. We've all been through shit. We've all been hurt. We've all come to terms with truths we once didn't know or want to acknowledge about ourselves. We've all been afraid to let others in, to see the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. But, those are the parts that make us beautiful, that make us human.
I don't want to know your pain to hurt you. I want to know so that I can understand. So that I know how you need to be loved.
We are in a constant cycle of us facing things and people that all teach us something, and will help us become better if we let them. A journey we are all on at different points, all just looking to find ourselves out there. Faced with situations that make us choose to either evolve or remain.
It's okay to be in pain, but you need to give yourself the time and permission to release it, to deal with it, and to make peace with it. Don't allow it to hold you back and catch you off guard. Don't allow it to make you feel any way that you do not wish to feel. Take your control back. Heal for you. You owe it to yourself.