The Way We Were

I’m currently watching Sex and the City for the third time. It’s my favorite show. I’ve come to realize I relate to the characters on a new level each time I watch it. I think we all have a bit of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda in all of us.

It might sound cliche, but this time around, I’m discovering I’m more like Carrie. I’m in a place where I’ve been with enough men, but I still go back to that one guy…Mr. Big.

If you’ve been reading my stories, you’ll remember that I had an affair with a married man. It was my first time. He promised me everything. Then, he never left his wife.

I moved on(physically). I still loved that man and I knew I always would. We’d somehow always find our way back to each other. Whether at a job, on the street, or on purpose.

One Saturday just as Spring was starting to arrive in the city, my Mr. Big texted me asking if I wanted to grab a drink. I never said no to a free cocktail, so I said yes.

I had been out already. But not appropriately dressed for drinks. I knew it didn’t matter what I looked like. But I always looked good for him. So I ran into H&M and bought an outfit.

I went with a slightly sexy corset top with wide pants. Unfortunately I didn’t have enough makeup on, but at least my hair was done.

We met at a cute little bar near Times Square. I arrived first as he was always a little late. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I was nervous. Butterflies were flitting around in my stomach. I didn’t know why.

I saw him coming towards me. The lights of Times Square were glittering behind him.

“Hey you.”

I sighed, “ Hi.”

He hugged me. I missed his smell. His arms. I missed everything about him.

We sat at the corner of the bar. He went with his usual; a glass of red. And I had their version of a cosmopolitan.

He held his glass up, “Cheers love.”

We clinked glasses. Then he pulled back a little and looked me up in down.

“ You look amazing.”

I knew that’s what I secretly wanted him to say when I picked the outfit out, “ Oh, thanks.”

The casual conversation started. Work. Upcoming jobs. Then we started talking about relationships.

He took a sip of his wine, “ So, are you seeing anyone right now?”

I had news for him, “ I am. But I think I’ve found myself in the same situation.”

“ Meaning?”

“ First of all, he doesn’t live here. Second of all, he actually has a kid. But, I can’t figure out if he’s with the mother or not.”

He froze.

“ So yeah…”

“ You haven’t asked?”

“ I’m afraid to. It’s been going on for a while. I think he thinks I realize they’re together and I’m okay with it.”

“ Would you be?”

I tilted my head, “ Of course not.”

“Right…”

“ I can’t believe this is happening again.”

He straightened up a little, “ Look, maybe he thinks it’s just sex. And since she’s in another state, maybe they have some kind of agreement?”

“You think they’re open?”

“ Maybe.”

I shook my head, “ But it’s not just sex. He calls me and checks up on me when he’s not here. There are all these little things that make it look like he wants a real relationship.”

“ Do you love him?”

I was in shock that he even asked. No, I did not love him. But, I felt I could eventually. It was so easy when we were together. It didn’t feel forced or I had to be a certain way.

“ No.”

“ Then what’s the problem?”

I looked at him. Was he not listening this entire time? Fucking men.

“ I’m the other woman. Again.”

“ Oh…yes.”

I didn’t want to talk about him anymore. So I changed the subject.

“ How is she?”

He quickly gulped his wine, “ She’s great.”

She meaning his wife.

“ Yeah um,” he hesitated, “ She’s pregnant.”

I felt my heart stop, “ Oh wow. Congrats.”

He was stuck now. He could never leave even if he wanted to.

I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I tried to lighten the mood.

“ Remember when we had our own little scare?”

He threw his head back, “ Oh my God yes. I was so worried for you.”

It was true. I had a pregnancy scare with him. It was 5 months into the affair. I hadn’t had a period for 4 months…I was too scared to take a test and frankly, I was always very late. But that was before I was having sex.

“ Yeah you were pretty quick to look clinics up…”

I remembered something. Shortly after that we stopped seeing each other. Was that why he ended things? On his terms? Terms he didn’t tell me about.

“ Mel,” he said, “ I just want you to know that I will always be there for you.”

He took my hand, “ I might have said things and didn’t follow through. But I really did love you. I do love you.”

I squeezed his hand, “ I know.”

“ And you can come to me about anything. Family, boyfriends, anything.”

He kissed my hand.

We each had one more drink. We talked a little more. I couldn’t believe he was going to be a father. He was going to be great.

We left the bar and stood outside for a while. He smoked a cigarette. I had one drag of it. We didn’t speak. We just listened to the sound of cars, tourists, music, and our breathing.

I made the decision to leave first, “ Well, I’ll see you when I see you.”

He pulled me in and kissed me on the forehead, “ Bye love.”

That night, I continued watching SATC. And serendipitously, I happened to watch the episode where Carrie and Big have their “The Way We Were” moment.

I started crying as I watched it. Not because I was sad. But because I had closure. Something I’d been wanting for 3 years. I smiled as Carrie said the last line:

“ Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.”