I Resolve

I have always believed what you put out into the Universe comes back to you. Good or bad. I believe in patterns. Honestly, I’ve had the same pattern with my career ever since I started working: Little triumphs, big disappointments.

The same goes for my love life. I meet men that I think are “the one”. I put too much trust in them. You can’t trust men. I learned that the hard way.

Let’s take a look at my past flames. My very first experience with a man, was an affair. I’ve come to accept that he groomed me. Once I had confessed to one of my friends what I did, they asked questions. Who prompted it? Who made the first move? Did you ever do something you didn’t want to do? Or did he do something you didn’t want him to do?

I remembered something when they asked that question. It was early into the relationship. We hadn’t slept together yet. But he knew I was a virgin. I told him I’d never had any sexual experiences in my life. He was my first kiss. First everything…

We were making out in a bathroom in a coffee shop. He slowly started to slip his hand down the front of my pants. No one had ever done that to me before. I stiffened.

He noticed, “ Too much.”

“ Just a little.”

He stopped and we kept making out. A short while later, it slipped down there again. I still felt uncomfortable. But, I didn’t say stop. I wanted him to feel good. So I stayed silent. Even writing this now, I realize he fingered me without my consent.

And then shortly after that I slept with him. There was a consistent schedule of meeting at a hotel for months. But it wasn’t just sex. He made promises. Promises I thought he’d keep. He didn’t keep them. He took advantage of me. He knew I was vulnerable. Naive.

After that I had my casual liaisons. One night stands. A few second dates. But nobody that ignited what I felt with him.

Then, there was the one in TV casting. I didn’t want to give him my heart. But I did. He was so different from the first one. The way he cared for me made me realize the other one just wanted to have me. This one, he was kind.

This man treated me like a person. Not an object. The sex was amazing but that’s not what made me love him. It was his generosity towards the world. The love I felt still wasn’t like my first one.

But of course, disaster struck as it does in my life. I found out not only was he in a relationship, but he had a child. He moved to NY for work but all the “work trips” he took were really to go home to his baby mama and daughter.

I’m all of 23 and twice I’ve been the other woman. I knew what I was doing the first time. But the second time I was fooled. That’s when I thought I had created a pattern.

I didn’t see anyone for a long time after that. I was mad at myself. I knew I had attracted it. I had little texting flirtations with men online. But I was afraid I’d wind up in the same situation again.

My most recent fling…I told myself going in to not get my hopes up. Our first date was a gallery opening and drinks. We talked for hours. He didn’t want to rush anything. Neither did I. At the end of the night, we didn’t even kiss. He put me in a car to get home.

This was completely different than anything I had ever experienced. Was this the norm? Had I finally found a normal man? Well, are any men normal?

We saw each other about once a week. Coffee. A walk in the park. I’d been over to his apartment a few times. Kissing. But no sex. I loved it.

After he took me to a show, we went back to his place, and finally slept together. We had been dating a month. I’ve never waited so long to sleep with someone.

About a week later we had lunch. The week after that, he cooked me dinner. We always got lost in conversation. I could tell he wanted to have sex, so I initiated it.

When we finished, we started talking again. He told me work may take him out West for a while. He wanted to know if that happened, would I visit him? He said he would pay for the flight. So, I said yes.

We also got to talking about what we wanted in life. He said, “ I love what I’m doing. But I want so much more.”

I was still naked. I sat up with the sheets covering my breasts and asked, “ Well, what do you want?”

He smiled slightly, “ I want to be in a relationship with someone. Be able to see them everyday.”

“ Oh really?”

He nodded and began to kiss me again. We had sex again.

We left his building together. Something that was different this time, he didn’t hold my hand. All the other times we were out, he always grabbed it.

I didn’t think much of it at the time. But when I didn’t hear from him for a whole week, I knew something was off.

Going against all the advice of my friends, I texted him. Just to see how he was and what was going on. He said that he had gotten super busy with work. He wished that he could see me but things were just super crazy. He’d get back to me after the weekend.

He never did.

About two weeks later, I found out through social media that he had indeed gone out West.

Still haven’t heard a word from him.

So, patterns. As much as I hate admitting it, I know I’ve set up a pattern with men. I have put out some message that I don’t want to be respected. I don’t want commitment. I’m okay with being someone’s side piece and fling.

Well I’m not. I’m not okay with any of it. I will not accept and take that anymore. I deserve a man who loves me, respects me, and will do anything to be with me.

Starting here, starting now I will break the pattern. And start a new one.