The Photocopy Room

As far as women that I have fantasized about in my life, Lina was in a league of her own.

The way I dreamed about her was different from how I had felt about any other woman. To clarify, she was ridiculously sexy! Any man or woman with a pulse could see she was beautiful with a flawless body. But the way I imagined being with her was different, almost wholesome. There were three things I yearned to do with her.

Firstly, I wanted to hold her hand. It sounds corny I know, but there is something indescribable about the energy transferred between two people by the touch of their skin. Her hands were small, and the skin looked so soft. I imagined my hands holding hers and the feelings that would generate.

Next, I yearned to kiss her. I’m an introvert and find it hard to maintain eye contact with most people, little own someone as stunning as her. Instead, I would focus on her lips, they had an alluring shade of red and I wished to have my lips pressed against hers. There are just some people that you know with all your heart that kissing them will feel special.

Finally, I imagined the feeling of her resting her head on my chest as we lay there. Not some postcoital obligatory hug, but more of me holding her and feeling safe and loved with my arms wrapped around them.

At least those were the fantasies in my head. But the real world rarely ever aligns with our fantasies.

Like all stories of yearning and heartbreak, I suppose I should start at the beginning.

Within the first few days in my new job, I noticed her. She was impossible to miss, with beautiful black hair and a face and smile so perfect, I had only ever seen on digitally enhanced models. Yet at the same time, she seemed completely unaware of how beautiful she was. Not only was she outwardly stunning but she was a genuinely nice person. In spite of my shyness, she took the time to talk to me, and whilst I stumbled and fumbled when talking to her in person, the instant messenger through the work computer network afforded me the opportunity to showcase my charm and wit.

I talked at length with her on a wide range of topics and continued to find out how interesting a person she was. We exchanged stories from our life, relishing in each other’s traumas, sharing a sense of humor that often bordered on the dark side. Even though she was younger than me she regularly astounded me with her depth of knowledge, across topics I too was passionate about. I often would reflect on how I wished I’d had her brains and how my career would have worked out so much better.

There was one major flaw to our happily ever after, beyond the fact that I had assessed that she was woefully out of my league. We were both seeing other people. I like to think of myself as a good person and I knew that she was someone who would never do anything to hurt someone else. This established the very clear rule of “we are just good friends”. Although, as I said, I’m an emotionally crippled introvert, I’m also ridiculously poor at hiding my feelings. I have no doubt that she had noticed my puppy dog eyes and mournful longing in my messages with her.

Still, I was happy for whatever part she could play in my life. Her presence at work certainly made every day that little bit brighter. I looked forward to getting into the office and was happy to stay late if she was there too. But then, the email came that ruined this too.

Come join us in saying goodbye to our little pocket-rocket Lina…

Just reading that subject heading was shocking enough. As I read on it was as if I had been told a good friend was dying. She was leaving to take up a new job elsewhere, in one week. I was speechless and gutted. I sent her a message

Me: WTF?

Lina: I didn’t know how to tell you. Yes I got a really good job offer. But I’m going to miss working with you.

Me: this is unacceptable!! To whom do I have to write a strongly worded letter?

Lina: LOL!! I am sure you will survive.

Me: I wouldn’t be so sure.

That next week I did everything to get as much time with her as possible. On her last day, I went along to her farewell lunch at a nearby restaurant. It was annoying that because she was such an amazing person, so many people went along. I desperately wanted to monopolize her time and just talk with her the whole time, but instead, I had to share her with the rest of the office. After lunch, I walked and talked with her as we walked back to the office. I had a few things to finish that afternoon and she had to wrap up some work before she signed off and walked out for good.

I’d sent some things to the printer that I needed my boss to sign. I went to the photocopy room where the big printer was and as I walked in Lina was standing there. She was bent down looking at the touchscreen, in her hand, I could see she was holding some papers. She looked up as I walked in and smiled. God, I was going to miss that smile. She stood up straight, then looked at the papers in her hands. “I think these are yours”, she said as she held out her left hand.

I reached out with my right hand to take them, but as my fingers nearly gripped the paper she pulled it away, placing the papers behind her back. Her right hand grabbed my outstretched hand and pulled me towards her. The sudden movement almost pulled me off balance, but as I straightened up, I realized that she was less than half an inch from me. She looked up at me, not saying a word. Unlike my initial fantasy of holding her hand, this was a lot more abrupt. It took a second to fully appreciate that her hand was gripping mine and that the skin was as soft as I had imagined. The energy passing from her palm to mine was intoxicating.

As I looked down, I somehow mustered the courage to look into her eyes properly. They were a deep brown, that instantly engulfed me in a feeling, the likes of which I had not experienced before or since. I stayed transfixed for what may have been less than a second, or it may have been days, in that very position time had no meaning. I felt her other arm moving behind my back to pull me into her, I realized that she was starting to go up on tippy toes as her face came closer to mine. I hadn't fully recognized our height disparity before.

I have often heard people talking about moments where they enter an almost hypnotic state, where the world around them disappears. I had put this down to some form of an artistic license until I found myself facing that scenario. The movement of less than an inch seemed to take minutes until my lips pressed against hers. A wave of pleasure and excitement washed over me. My heart was pounding, I knew that as I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer, she would be able to feel the drum solo coming from my chest. Our lips and tongues danced in those moments of passion, everything more perfect than I could have dreamed. Nothing else in those seconds mattered, it was just Lina and I in the most perfect kiss imaginable.

As she lowered herself back onto the heels of her feet, I was impressed with how much height she had achieved from standing on her toes, clearly, she had remembered some things from her ballet training. But then she didn’t pull away: as if she’d read my own mental dream journal she stayed, pressed against me, resting her head on my chest. I moved one hand to her shoulder blade, and I gently tickled it with my fingers. She would have felt my heart continuing with its enhanced tempo. She then said in a gentle, sad voice, “I’m really going to miss you”. The tone and delivery equally just how powerful the words themselves were. I couldn't think of anything to say beyond "I'm going to miss you too".

At that moment, we heard voices from outside. We both separated, I bent down to pick up my pieces of paper from the ground where they had dropped. A little crumpled from where we had inadvertently stepped on them, I realized I would need to print another copy before presenting them to my boss for his signature. Lina smiled at me, in a way that told me this was goodbye. She walked out of the room, I watched as she walked away, my heart gradually returning to what would be considered a normal heart rate.

After she left, we stayed in touch. We would message each other regularly. Neither of us has ever mentioned those minutes in the photocopier room. I wonder if it really happened, or was just a very vivid dream that I have convinced myself was real.

Everybody needs to kiss a Lina in a photocopier room once in their life just to understand what it's like to be alive.

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