Did I just diagnose myself with Autism Spectrum Disorder from watching a Jim Jefferies stand-up special?

“You know, how you have little empathy, you don’t listen when others talk, and you don’t make eye contact.”

Ok now I have to say this off the bat. I know that Jim Jefferies is a comedian. I know that as a comedian he says things to get a laugh, not to cure cancer, or even to diagnose people with specific illnesses. His job is entertainment, just like I know that Star Wars isn’t real (I still, however, firmly believe that I could become a jedi… But we can discuss that later). So please don’t think I am relying on the words from a comedy routine alone.

I also know that Jim is someone that is controversial. He picks topics that cause controversy and illicit very strong emotions from people, from gun control to swearing. Look the guy uses the C-bomb more than my mother uses biting sarcasm (and that is a lot, but I’ll discuss that with my therapist later). So, I also understand that I need to consult a medical professional, or even a few to test out my thinking here. But this gave me cause to pause and do some self-reflection, so please bear with me.

Anyway, throughout lockdown I have had plenty of time to do other things. I’ve started reading books again, a combination of fiction and non-fiction. I just finished the gripping Pulitzer Prize winning “Catch and Kill” by Ronan Farrow and now I’m about to embark on a nostalgic trip into “The Thin Man” by Dashiell Hammet. I’ve tried to make sure I read at least 20-50 pages a night of something.

I’ve also tried to distract my thoughts on the impending apocalypse by watching new and different shows, including some new and not-so-new stand-up comedians. I love a good laugh, and it is genuinely therapeutic for the soul to watch things that give you pleasure. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety for years, so I know that sometimes I need to try to switch my brain off, and this is a good way to do it.

So last week, I picked the 2016 special ‘Freedumb’ on Netflix, because I like Jim Jefferies, I don’t get upset by swearing and I find him funny. We were probably a quarter of the way into the show when he started talking about vaccines (like I said controversial, and it’s so timely now to see how people were reacting five years ago to the topic of vaccines). The mother of his child didn’t support vaccinations because she’d heard arguments advanced by Jenny McCarthy. What followed was the usual ripping on Jenny McCarthy.

“She’s a comedian and a Playmate. They’re my two favorite types of people. But I don’t get my medical advice from them”.

Then after consulting a Doctor, and being persuaded on the benefits of vaccines, Jim hatched a plan to covertly get his son vaccinated despite the claims that they cause autism. Hilarity ensues (it’s a comedy special so if you’re expecting doom and gloom you really need to watch more comedy specials). Jim then finds himself convinced that his son is autistic. When he talks about returning to the doctor in a fit of parental rage to find out what happened, the doctor asks him “you know that you have a tendency to overreact because you’re on the spectrum?” It’s impossible to convey the facial expression me pulled to that statement, so I won’t even try. But the response Jim gives to his medical professional is “You fucking what, when?”

In one sentence, the doctor proceeded to say something that put my mind into a loop for days “You know, how you have little empathy, you don’t listen when others talk, and you don’t make eye contact?” I half giggled and then for probably five minutes I missed a lot of the other jokes. It is a statement that I have ruminated over ever since.

When I was diagnosed with depression it turns out that it was a surprise to only one person, me. I then reflected on things people had said over my lifetime “Why don’t you look me in the eye?” “You’re not being very empathetic”, “You’re not listening to what people are saying” and one in particular “You know pretty strange right?” I don’t want this to sound like I’m being braggy, because I assure you it’s not, but I also thought that I was different.

Now different doesn’t mean I thought I was destined to be King, or to rule the world, or even to invent some amazing invention. But I knew that so many people I had grown with and worked with were a lot different to me. I also knew people that were on the spectrum, it had been obvious to me, so was my behaviour obvious to others that knew me? I came back in to hear Jim talk about when he told his Mum in a very animated way that he was autistic.

“Oh, everyone knows you’re autistic. It’s not that bad. When I was a child, I had polio.”

I have never been able to maintain eye contact with people, even those close to me, I constantly find myself looking around, I wasn’t even conscious of it until I was out drinking with a cousin once. I have regularly been chipped for not being as empathetic as I could be. Part of me put that down to being raised by a Mum who lacked a lot of empathy herself. I try to listen to people, but especially when they continue to talk and talk, I find myself daydreaming. None of this is a medical diagnosis I know, but if the map leads you in a certain direction it doesn’t hurt to see where it’s going.

Anyway, as mentioned at the start I know that this was from a comedy routine. But it also may help me explain a lot of things about my life. I have started reading (ok doing my own online research, but with full intentions of going to a doctor and talking to a shrink). I’m in my late 40’s so probably too late to change the past, but certainly enough time to work through my future.

See, comedy IS good for you.