The Four Most Dangerous Words In Relationships

There are words, when strung together, that scare the hairs on men's arms into standing up and send chills down their spines. And that refers to brave men. You could be one of the infamous members of SEAL Team Six, and there are still words that will make your nerves go into overdrive.

One of the most horrifying phrases ever heard by a man is usually uttered by a loved one, a woman, or a partner. If you haven't guessed it, those words are:

"We need to talk."

As guys, we aren't brought up to be overly in tune with our emotions. At least not the older guys. Younger guys today are a different brood. Compare them to guys born before 1980, and it's often like comparing apples with oranges. Sure, there are exceptions, and always similarities, but when it comes to emotions, things changed in the late 80s to 90s and beyond.

Why does the phrase we need to talk scare the hell out of guys? Let's take a look at some answers.

When guys hear the words we need to talk; think about the words in play. The main word is need. It instantly alarms the listener because the word need implies a necessity. And certain things aren't usually announced, like the "need" to talk.

The brain's alarm system, the amygdala, interprets vague, serious-sounding phrases like "we need to talk" as a threat. Logic is shutting down as soon as the sentence registers, and here comes a flood of cortisol.

Without specifics, people's minds will fill in the possible scenario, and the necessity to talk, or "need," implies importance without specifics. For more on this, check out The Good Men Project.

To sum up other issues, the words "we need to talk" rank right up there with the phrase, "I don't want to fight, but..." As humans, we all know how to start a conversation. Announcements start with things like, "Did you know," or "Hey, this happened today." Important, often painful, or difficult bits of information come with the phrase, "we need to talk."

We need to talk has become the equivalent of standing on the edge of a piece of land, watching as bombs are about to drop. Brains don't hear a warm invitation to share or to connect in a meaningful way. They hear something is wrong. And there's psychology behind the panic, fueled by past incidents, personal attacks, and failures.

Truthfully, it's probably less scary to stand and watch the bombs falling toward you. At least you know the misery will be over soon. Anyone who's ever heard those words knows untold amounts of grief come from "We need to talk."

According to researchers at the Gottman Institute, after thousands of couples over four decades, it's more about how you start a conversation than what you talk about. There are good and bad ways to start a conversation or deliver bad news. There's a softball start, and a harsh start-up.

Even the bravest, most independent, and courageous of men have mental health to consider. And instead of hearing "We need to talk," it would be easier on us if we were reassured that everything is "okay." Yes, it's important to discuss things going on, but there is also a time and place for everything.

When people, both men and women, are tired, worn, or dealing with something, it's not the best time to approach an issue. Yet, many of us have heard of people in relationships wanting to talk at 3:00 a.m., totally ignoring that their partner may have an early morning. As much as the way you start a conversation affects your relationship success and peace of mind, so does picking a good time.

So, when an important conversation needs to happen, pick two important aspects of that chat.

1. How to start the interaction.

2. When to start the interaction.

If you can manage that, communication will get much easier, and guys won't be on the defensive as quickly.