The Final Chapter of Anchor

On March 18th 2020, I meant Chunk for the first time. I picked him up in Barrie, Ontario after he hitch hiked from Vancouver BC. The reason he hitch hiked from Vancouver, BC was to be in a band with my now ex boyfriend Anchor. They started a band which also included Anchor’s ex-girlfriend called Gutter Puddle. Anchor arrived via plane on March 2nd 2020, I paid for his ticket as he told me a story of how she was abusing him. Looking back, one of the main things that I should have listened to when we decided to video chat on February 29th 2020 was when he said “ I am all about my band and I will not come to Ontario unless Chunk comes with me". I just wanted to help Anchor and I had history that went all the way back to 2014. I told Anchor that he could come with Chunk as long as there were no drugs and alcohol in my home. I also explained that on March 3rd 2020 I had court for the domestic charges that had been laid on an ex from 2018. He was aware of these charges as he was witness to the break and enter in 2018 but never ended up giving a statement. Anchor was there while I was being stalked and going through the process of having charges laid on my ex-boyfriend.

When Anchor got off that plane, it was like we never skipped a beat, like we hadn't spent the last two years apart. He had changed his appearance but his personality seemed the same and the feelings all came back. On March 3rd 2020, I showed up to the courthouse. I asked Anchor not to come inside with me as I knew that this would stir up emotions within my ex and I didn't want the extra stress or to be vindictive as they also had history from 2017-2018. While I was in the courthouse Anchor took my debit card and bought himself a bong to smoke marijuana. At the time I smoked marijuana all day long but only in joint form, but definitely not on that specific date as I needed my mind to be completely sober. Anchor needed a bong. Anchor sat in my truck that day and he smoke bongs in a parking lot well I had multiple mental breakdowns in the courthouse being asked questions on sexual assault and the pending domestic altercations with my ex. I remember going for lunch at Taco Bell and feeling so exhausted, but Anchor had such kind words and was able to give me support, to let me know how proud he was of me for doing what I did and how proud he was of the person that I became. Back in 2018, I was addicted to cocaine, and Anchor was there to help me take care of myself and my children, but unfortunately with the amount of stress put on me by my ex and having to deal with selling my home, and relocated I decided to leave Anchor at a Metro in Whitby, Ontario back in 2018. On March 3rd 2020, I was able to get through 7 of 17 charges. I couldn't handle the fact that my ex's mother was taunting me in the courtroom and there was nothing I could do about it. Court was re-dated for April 2020, but then Covid-19 hit us all.

As we waited for the Chunk to arrive I had a few conversations about my life with him and was explaining the rules, and who I was as a person compared to who he was told I was in 2018 when I left Anchor at a Metro. I started a routine for my bed schedule, but anchors like to stay up late at night. Chunk and I would have morning conversations as he was on the road and usually had Wi-Fi in the morning to message me over Facebook Messenger. We soon found out that after March break the children would be homeschooled because of Covid-19 and the isolation the government would be putting us all through. I was getting a routine plan for my children but also needed to wait for Chunk to arrive so that we could all sit down as adults and figure out what was good for each and every one of us. I did not want to interfere with their band. I knew how important it was to both of them. But I also needed to create a schedule around my children being at home all day and needing to be computer to finish the rest of their school year. Anchor Did not seem so worried about Chunks' trip across Canada. He just smoked marijuana all day and played his banjo waiting to hear from Chunk. I felt that I was more worried that Chunk would not make it across Canada or that something bad would happen to him along the way. Even though I have never met Chunk in my life. When I went to BC in 2019 July, I think I saw a Chunk in the same park that I saw Anchor happy with his ex-girlfriend and her dogs.

I could feel the jealousy rising with Anchor, when he would wake up late in the day and I had already spoken to Chunk on where his location was and how far he had come there would be no messages waiting on his phone from Chunk because he knew I would be communicating that when he woke. Anchor only seemed interested in being a family for the first 3 days, after that he became very distant and sat on his phone into the wee hours of the night. It scared me sometimes. I would wake up at 4 a.m. with him sitting on a chair in the dark with only his phone light and the texting noise coming from his fingers. I just assumed that he was talking to Chunk as I usually talked to Chunk at around 6 a.m. when I woke up to start my day. It took Chunk 2 weeks to cross Canada and to be ready for us to pick up in Barrie, Ontario. Chunk celebrated a birthday while on the road his birthday was March 15th 2020. My birthday is March 21st, I brought a cupcake and me and my children filled the back of the truck with balloons as he arrived on March 18th and wasn't able to celebrate his birthday with anybody. When we got to the Tim Horton's in Barrie, Ontario Anchor didn't seem so excited to see Chunk. This brought me a lot of anxiety. I thought there would be a lot more happy feelings that he had arrived. I felt relieved that he made it during Covid-19 from Vancouver BC to Ontario. I offered to Chunk the bedroom off the living room in my home but had a full bathroom in it, it is like living in a small bachelor apartment for having to share the kitchen. I had asked him to keep the room clean and at least enough space for my children to be able to use the washroom case so they could make it upstairs on time. He seemed very willing and happy for the opportunity to not be living homeless on the streets Vancouver BC.

Anchor and Chunk started playing beautiful music in my backyard. My children would dance to punk folk music in the snow and everybody seemed to get along well. Now that the Chunk was here I wanted to put forward the routine that I had planned out for my children and their homeschooling. I asked the boys how much time they would need to use the Wi-Fi and gave them a full range of the basement, to create a studio for themselves. I knew that my children could do their homework and use the computer upstairs and that they would not be bothered by the sound of music while needing to work on school assignments on the computer. When I brought the schedule of what the routine would look like, Anchor was playing a video game on his phone and refused to even look at the piece of paper. Chunk looked it over and agreed to what I said out as a routine for my children. When Chunk went to hand Anchor the routine idea he looked up from his video game with a disgusted look on his face and said he would take a look at it later. Anchor continued to play his video game for over an hour, while Chunk and I sat there in an awkward tense silence. I then asked Chunk if he would be willing to write on a piece of paper what the schedule was with my children so that we could do it together as a unit and he seemed more than willing. The routine looked like a clock so that they could look at it and figure out what time it was and what they should be doing at that allotted time. I explained To Chunk and Anchor that I would like to do this like an art hour with my children and that even the adults would have this posted on their wall as a visual of what our new routine would be. This also included their band time and when they would be busy and unavailable for me and my children. I felt that it was necessary to put out this routine so that all five individuals would know what each other needed to be accomplishing or if they needed to be left alone because they were doing something of importance.

When I asked for the boys to be involved in this Chunk seemed completely willingly well Anchor was completely disgusted. Anchor went on to explain that the reason he doesn't do routine and doesn't have a real job is because he doesn't live in society the way that he is supposed to. He told me that he cannot guarantee routine and that he did not want to sit and draw it out like a toddler. I felt very upset by this as my children are the most important thing in my life. from what I know as a parent and what I know about my children is that they enjoy the moments where the adults also are being creative with them and showing that they will also do that same routine. I also felt disgusted, I wasn't asking Anchor to get a job or be a part of society. I was simply asking him to be a role model for my children. The boys both took photos of my original scheduled clock and had it in their phones. When I asked why they couldn't just have a simple half an hour to be creative and create, I was accused of asking too much by Anchor and it wasn’t a big deal for them to just have the photo in their phones, Chunk stayed quiet. Adding a photo in their phone would remind them of the schedule that I had set out for everybody.

After this incident things started to get more and more frustrating and tense. Anchor and Chunk focused on their band well. I focused on my children's schooling and trying to get the spring cleaning that needed to be done outside done. Chunk helped a great deal while Anchor sat inside smoking bongs in my bedroom. I had also had a surgery booked for June and I wanted to make sure that everything was in order before I had that surgery. There became a huge distance between me and Anchor. We slept in the same bed, but there was a tension as my needs and wants were very much different than his. I also was paying way more in marijuana to make sure that he got his daily dose as he said he used it for medication instead of being stuck on Pharmaceuticals. sense marijuana has been legalized in Ontario a lot of people are using it for medical purposes to stay off Pharmaceuticals and to have a natural way of keeping anxiety at bay so I tried my best not to judge that process. I became resentful because it was coming out of my pocket. Within two weeks I had already spent $1,000 on marijuana and about $500 on cigarettes. Chunk seemed like he appreciated the packs of cigarettes that I gave to him whereas Anchor expected them. Anchor Expected a lot for me in a very short amount of time. as if I owed something to him for coming back to Ontario. Anchor booked their first Toronto open mic for the day after my surgery. When I told him that I was going to be unable to drive them he said that they would take a cab there when I asked him what money he got mad at me for asking. He said that he would figure it out. I told him that I will have my grandmother come over to help me with the kids after surgery, he got mad and accused me of only bringing him back to Ontario so that he could take care of me after surgery and that it was not his responsibility to take care of me after surgery. I did not expect this of him as I knew the surgery was coming. It was booked for February 2020 and me and my grandmother had spoken about what we would be doing for my aftercare. I didn't bring him back to take care of me after surgery. I had already told him how proud I was that he was able to book an open mic, but he didn't hear that. He got really upset with me for not being more enthusiastic.

Anchor and I became even more distant after that. the boys would stay inside on the internet well and I would busy myself outside in the yard. I didn't want to be around him anymore, relationship takes communication something that Anchor didn't want to give to me. Anytime that I would bring up something that had been bothering me or something I needed, he would walk away and say I don't want to talk about this right now. my children were playing outside while they were trying to record a video and accidentally walked around the house, he would get very upset that they ruined the video. I often thought to myself this is their big backyard this is their home there is no need to get upset when you guys have done the sets over and over again before. When my grandmother came over to meet Chunk and who was living in the property she had bought for me, he was taken away into the basement to play and practice for the band. Anchor needed things to be his way or would have a fit of anger. Anchor didn’t care what others needed from him. There were a few times my daughters asked him to draw with them but he was too busy on his phone. I remember a time where my son asked him to play Lego. He said yes my son put the Lego in front of him on the floor. He took a picture of it and posted it to his Instagram. I never played Lego with my son. My son played Lego on the floor in front of him while he played on his phone. I started to become more resentful as the days passed. there was also a distance created between me and Chunk. when me and Chunk talk about something Anchor would need to be involved and make it about himself so we both would just stop talking. By the end none of the adults were talking to each other other than Anchor and Chunk.

One day I decided to send them both the exact same message that I needed to talk about what their expectations of me were and what my expectations were of them. When I went outside as they were having cigarettes I felt intimidated by Chunk and an angry look on his face. Anchor wouldn't speak to me while I was out having a smoke with them and it just felt very tense and awkward. I went to my room in a depressed state and when anchor came upstairs I asked if we could speak about things. he had his mind made up he told me he was leaving. he told me that he didn't want to talk about things and that he was doing his best to do what was on my routine. he had already had his bag packed I didn't realize this process has happened. chunk also had his bag packed I guess that they planned it during the day. That night around 7 p.m. on March 25th 2020 I walked down stairs with his backpack on when I walked after him, afraid that he would steal my dog. I locked the dog into the dog run and one of my children as the anchor put his boots on asked Him where he was going. the anchor replied that your mother doesn't know how to communicate and I am leaving. When my oldest daughter heard this she started to cry and amongst those sobs I heard her say my mom is always trying to talk to you. She didn't realize that he was going to be leaving completely. As she was crying and her bedroom upstairs she saw she was walking. My oldest started to cry even more and screamed I just want to say goodbye this time tell them to wait please stop them. I felt so bad for her as I had had the same triggering abandonment happen to me when I was 12 years old. I watched my mother's husband take the rest of his stuff from the garage get into his black truck and drive away even though I was standing in the doorway waiting for him to say goodbye.

You see years ago I would have ran after them, I would have cried and asked him to stay. I am not that woman anymore. I will not beg someone to be a part of my life, and I know that I gave everything I could to try and make him happy. As I mentioned before Anchor and I had history, a story I will one day tell.

The next day, I thought it would be nice to take my children out for pancake breakfast, I wanted to make them happy in the morning after such a dramatic exit from Anchor. There they were walking towards Orillia, Ontario. Chunk looked like a regular hitch hiker while Anchor with his dark clothing and face tattoos looked like a serial killer. I knew that they wouldn’t be able to get a ride from the farmers that live around us. I would be afraid to pick them up if I didn’t know them. I drove back and forth to McDonald's with the kids. On our way back they hadn’t gotten far. I called my grandma and asked “Am I being stupid or should I at least help them get to town?” My grandma told me to go help, that she was impressed with the way Chunk was when he got to be at our house for a week. How helpful he was when asked. So I drove back, I pulled over beside them and asked if they wanted a ride into town, Anchor said no, I told them that no one in this area would pick them up and that I would just drive without speaking to either of them. Chunk had to convince Anchor that this was their only option. I drove them to the closest Tim Horton's and I did speak once, to thank Chunk for leaving his room easy for me to clean. I wished them both safe travels, and I drove home. That was the ending of the final Chapter in life with Anchor, little did I know, I would meet Chunk again very soon.