Thanks for noticing

Why I have no friends...

By Pie RobinsonPublished 3 years ago • 3 min read

“You need to be okay. You will be okay.”

My friends kept telling me this. Assuming if they repeated this that it would be destined to come true. Sadly, the more they affirmed I would be, fine, the deeper I sunk into my depression. The loneliness consuming me. No one wanting to understand or listen to my sorrow.

The fact is, I was not ok.

Sometimes, many times, it is absolutely fine, to not be fine.

Eventually I have to tell them straight out.

“No, I am not ok. This is life changing I am very upset, please do not discount my sadness.”

Weeks later many friends realized they were rushing my sadness. Several admitted that it was so difficult to be around or talk to me because I was such a downer. (sorry, not sorry?!) In counseling I was advised to surround myself with people who would lift me up, but not ignore my pain.

Still there was one friend, who wouldn’t get it. My pain was somehow a direct hit to our friendship. The marks revealing to her that her mere presence was not enough to make me smile.

She would text, and I wouldn’t respond for a few days. Later she confessed that she felt I wasn’t doing enough in my time of loss, for her.

I wasn’t texting her enough, and I tried to explain yet again, I am not texting anyone.

I am lying in bed, crying. It hasn’t even been a month, give me some time.

She couldn’t handle it, told me I was making her, “Feel like a jerk for trying to help.”

Perhaps you are being a jerk…

Are you trying to help?

I kept trying, for nostalgia of the friendship, to make it work. I mindfully texted her each day, for one week. At the end of the week she texted me telling me that she could feel how distant that I was from her.

That week I had sent her more texts than my own sister.

I decided, this was ridiculous, and taking way too much energy on my part to make function.

When you loose someone you love, there is no time limit on grief. Your heart will heal, but the scares forever remain. Grief cannot be hurried along or swept under the rug. Smiles cannot return on cue.

In the early days, good days cannot be considered the new normal, but just what they are, a good day. Bad days cannot be avoided and will come. Years later they will pop up, out of the blue. The sting of the cut, feeling fresh and new. A song, a movie, a place you visited together, and the loss hits you, hard.

Friends will say, “But you have so much to be thankful for. Be happy.”

Happiness does return, I am well aware I have much to be thankful for. Never mistake my happiness as an exchange for what I lost. The loss is it there, living and breathing inside of me.

Please, do not let anyone make you feel that your sadness is causing them pain. Distance yourself from others that tell your sadness hurts them. Own your feelings. Share them with those that respect you.

Out you go fake friend. Who requires my laughter in order to affirm our friendship.

Please text someone else, who will agree that you are such a caring, loving and supportive friend.

I am busy, in bed, crying.

Thanks for noticing.