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Can't Focus

Why I have no friends...

By Pie RobinsonPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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Can't Focus
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Things get busy, and it seems like you have less and less time to sit and chat with your girlfriends. Things like work, relationships, you know, parenting, all get in the way. How dare they! When life gets hectic nothing is better than a quality conversation with a good friend.

Once I had a girlfriend that said her and I could spend our days talking to each other about air. This was probably true. At that time she and I both had an abundance of free time and spending hours on the phone wasn’t a big deal.

Now I would die to have a valuable twenty minute conversation each day.

Friends call, but you spend you energy explaining something for them to later act like they have no idea, what so ever, what you are talking about. You invite them somewhere on the phone; they can’t or won’t focus, or listen, and later protest that you left them out. They feel out of the loop because they had no idea you were going out of town, but you just spoke to them about it yesterday.

Bad news, you have, Can’t Focus Friend. You’re talking, but trust me, she isn’t listening. Her “uh huh” and “ok” are empty. Her intentions usually are not to out right ignore you. She is multitasking, and not doing a great job at it. When you hear the water running from doing dishes, the kids arguing about her trying to get them to do their homework, or my least favorite she is right there next to you, but playing on her phone, this is not a good time for a conversation. I rather not talk at all then just talk to myself the majority of the time. Particularly when it just causes problems later and she claims you never told her, when you know you did. Just tell me you are busy and don’t have time to talk to me.

Save me the headache.

Several of my friends have memory loss issues, that is completely separate that I am not referring to here. Let's also realize, people just forget what you said because they have their own current crisis they are handeling. Not referring to that here either. This is when it's a pattern, and they are angry at your for not telling them.

One of my best friends used to call me almost daily on her way home from work. We would update one another on our days, and talk also about nonsense. When I was fostering my first kiddo, our normal phone time was no longer ideal for me. It was play doh, painting, or, bath time around 4:30 when she would call. I tried to make it work, even for 15 minutes because she was a significant relationship in my life. Adjusting to my attention being focused on a child was new for all. She didn’t, still doesn’t, have children, and she really missed having her go to child free girlfriend.

I get it.

Effort was put in and I would update her on the child's foster case, our life, and so on as much as possible and than listen to her life updates in that small amount of time.

Weeks went by and the child was about to be moved to live with a family member, and she acted totally shocked. She had not been listening to the details that I have been telling her in our new mini conversations.

She was mad, at me!

Why didn't you tell me?

Same friend would come over and lay on my couch internet shopping, not lifting her head long enough to make eye contact or listen to anything I was saying.

Fun times...

The chances are this is not a problem that you would end a friendship over. Just have an open conversation about it. Time is precious, and why carve time out for others who visibly are captivated elsewhere. By chance it can be solved by no longer talking to them on the phone, and only in person. This can save a relationship. Many people are not phone conversationalist and you will only leave annoyed to find that she has no idea you just told her, "my grandpa just died."

She didn’t get it. She was brushing her teeth, answering emails, or pumping gas. Hang up. Tell them when you see them at dinner next week. Hopefully she isn’t on her phone the whole time.

If she cannot commit to a phone free dinner, stop telling her anything at all.

friendship
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