Sick Head, Open Heart

Dating can be a rough experience for anyone, even those who fits in the neurotypical and mentally "normalized" categories in life. That said, virtually everyone has experienced a degree of trauma throughout their lives that left indelible imprints across their personality and character. "Normal", as it is visualized by most people is less a reality and more of an idealized version of what life should or could be like for most of us.

Relationships are usually built on bonds and connections formed through emotional comparisons, intellectual similarities, and lifestyles. With so many people the world over experiencing a degree of mental unwellness owing to trauma, severe illnesses like schizophrenia or bipolar, or general anxiety with the high pressure and performance world we occupy--it really isn't a wonder that more and more regularly those bonds are formed on overcoming particular mental health hurdles.

For myself, I use my mental diagnoses as a gauge sometimes to determine the quality and non-judgemental nature of a potential or existing partner. Formally, I am diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type and PTSD. With my current partner, one of the things that attracted me initially was her compassionate and understanding demeanor when I told her my story. On further exploration, she deals with major depression, PTSD, and potentially a personality disorder--all of which have characteristic components to which I can identify and empathize.

Because we talk very openly about our challenges and what struggles we are facing with each other, keeping our mental status up-to-date with each other, rather than pull us apart, our mental illnesses have pulled us closer together.

Such is the beauty of trauma bonding and the tight-knit connection that it can help form.

That said, it does present some interesting challenges. Since we both have trauma in our lives, during an argument, we can unintentionally trigger the other person into a flashback or a recall that is exacerbated by the PTSD. All of a sudden, something that was not such a big deal has become a massive blowout, ultimatums are uttered, the silent treatment is issued, someone leaves and slams the door, all because of a latent illness that we both struggle with that accidentally got brought to the forefront. In reality, we've crossed into an area where we are no longer arguing about a specific issue but instead are encased in older hurts that we may not have worked our way through fully as of yet.

In past experiences with relationships where the heart is involved heavily, those hurts often became bitterness or resentments. An easy transition when you begin to question your partner's affection as they seem to be attacking a particularly vulnerable part of your personality. To address that today, I/we spend a good deal of time processing through the details of any arguments that lead to us being triggered or seem to have gotten off track and ensure that each of us understands what went wrong, when and how it happened, and we define new ways in the future to avoid the same.

Of course this a part of any truly healthy relationship to begin with. The main difference between our conversations is the content related to identifying the specific mental health triggers that pertain to our particular diagnoses.

With such a significant portion of the population experiencing mental illness on some level the proportional challenges faced by couples, throuples, or polycules, is astonishing. Crippling depression or anxiety making it difficult to work and placing financial burden on the partner(s). Psychotic states that make functioning well nigh impossible for extended periods of time. Manic episodes that run the gambit from creating mountains of work and projects to walking on eggshells to avoid angry outbursts. Personality disorders that scream "I hate you, don't leave me!" or breed unreasonable degrees of jealousy and mistrust that has to be overcome.

Yet despite it all, we continue to pair (or more) off with each other, find comfortable niches, and if all goes well, support and nurture at the hands of those we love. It's really kind of beautiful when you stop to think about it.

Having a mental illness does not have to be restrictive to the demands of the heart, it merely creates another playing field on which the game gets played. Some of the most beautiful people the world over are those that have struggled through and overcome magnificent deficits that might crumble others, and that capacity exists in each one of us.

Finding the love for oneself is the starting point, and leads so much more often to finding those accepting and loving parties to which we want an attachment. I fervently believe that the greater your introspection into the whys, whats, and hows of yourself leads to a greater capacity for shared love in the future.

And at the end of the day, isn't that what we all want? Someone to share our life's experiences with, in a non-judgmental and loving way? Someone who sees us with our foibles and quirks and loves us because of them instead of despite?

Those relationships exist, and they are a matter of not giving up the search, being true to who you are, and learning to love the monsters in your head instead of being afraid.