Place your Hand on your Heart


Place your Hand on your Heart

All my life I have felt like I'm never enough for a person

All my life I've been letting myself believe that I have to act, and be something I'm not to fit in

And all alone all I had to be is myself

My lips on my mouth has been closed for so long to now every time it opens nothing but loud noises come out. It almost feel like it's hard for me to accept that I've been around yelling for so long to where I've become use to it.... to where it's become apart of me so I'm not sure just how to stop yelling and just talk calmly; but what do I know I feel stupid all the time, I feel I 'm nothing and no one important, I have so much low self-esteem to the point I'm not sure who I am.

I want to be good

I want to be nice, kind, and caring

I want to be these things but I'm not sure how?

I know that I need to find away to work through my feelings because all of this bad energy that I have has to find it's way out of me

This is my life

This is how I really feel

This is the real me writing these words needing to be sleep, but to busy having my brain running and up with all these emotions running through it

I need to be sleep but I can't sleep

I'm so lost and been lost for so long to where I'm not sure what direction to go.... not sure of what is true not sure of what to hear, and what to ignore

Not sure....I'm so anger with myself, so unhappy with myself and so disappointed at myself to where I have no direction.

I am so anger I don't know if I'm loved or cared for

I question every thing I might as well be 13yr old all over again; if you ask me my life fell apart after the age of 23

I lost myself and I've been trying to get that old me to come back the Rachel that I knew the Rachel that smiled and she smiled back at me when I could look in the mirror and see me, and be happy

I don't know when it changed I can only think of when my life changed for me; it might of been when I was much younger but I can only think back to when I was 23 yrs old.

I ask myself why? don't I have friends why? don't people want to be around me why? do a person say they love me long enough to get what they want and then break my heart, these are the questions I ask myself.

I try to be a good person

I try to be there for people to give a helping hand

I try so hard but people always ends up disappointing me

Some times I be wanting to say "I hate myself, I don't love myself, I don't know what to do; I need answers but I guess when a person look at me I have it all together in their eyes

I guess people think I don't fall down, and need to be picked up again

I'm sorry their wrong, their dead wrong I have no words.... This is me alone, unhappy and ashamed.

Everyone I ever spoke to wanted me to be someone else

Everyone I ever took as a friend are just someone I wanted to hang out with never accepted me

I'm at a place in my life were any and everyone that I know are even want to get to know I don't trust

I'm at a place in my life were even the person that I can see me hanging out with and even maybe it becoming a friendship scares me, to the point where I'm not sure if I can continue to talk to her because I just don't trust people and I can't get to a point where I'll ever trust again, and that's just period.

I have no direction

I have no place to go

I have no way to get around the unhappiness that I feel

I'm so anger inside

I would just like to make since of it, and move on but it's not in the cards for my life, and that just upsets me

I'm tried of people saying to get over it

I'm tried of hearing it's going to get better

I'm tried of people not giving me encouraging words

I'm just over all tried but hell it's not going to change it's just going to stay the same

I'm filled with so much pain

I can't think are feel no other way

It's bad to feel like everyone is out to get you

It's bad when people smile in your face but only reaches out to the people they really want to talk to and that person is not you

I'm that person people look over look pass and don't give time too

I'm that person people care not to stay in touch with, the person people feel sorry for, and say things so they won't hurt my feelings but what they don't know is it does hurt my feelings but they don't care.

I can only be myself and being myself is to much for people

Being the real me causes me to not have company not have friends , and not having people that really care

I have those people that has to tell me their opinions... tell me how they feel and what I should do

Everyone I ever dated and now married people don't care for them or him and that makes me sad and mad because I'm not that type of person to tell others who to love who to marry who to date if anything I battle with myself to understand why people don't treat me the same way I treat them

It amazes me how people think they can give others advice but can't help themselves

It puts me in all odds when everyone you share with has something to say when they can't say anything because they don't have it all together

It's a shame to be so upset... it's more a shame to want a person to love you more then you love yourself and when you can't find that person are trust that you have found that person it becomes a disappointment

It's also a total outrageous feeling to feel like your life is nothing but a total misunderstanding and roller coaster from beginning to the end, because you really don't have no one in your corner, instead you have a lot of people against you, and to you that's been your hold life and it is so true to you that you can't make yourself think are feel nothing different, and if you do it's not for long it's called your happy place but then your always around people to change all of that and most of the time it's your own family

It makes me uneased when almost everything can make me upset, hell I'm not sure what it is hell I think I'm sick and if I'm not I wish I was

It puts me in deep thought when I can't handle things I should be able to handle but I guess I can't

I guess we are not made to deal with shit, hell you can't even be a concern person without the other person feeling a type of way; that's why I stay to myself, and try my best not to say nothing are get involve in conversations that I'm not welcome are invited in and so I will be staying in my lane and not being involve in nothing are no body because hell I can stay to myself and be alone for the rest of my life and learn to except it because that way I won't become anger and upset all the time, and I can teach myself to smile again and be happy with myself and whatever my life wants to do to me or for me are whatever you want to call it because hell life is a load of shit, and much more then that if only you could put it in words which you can't

It's funny as hell to me that everything you though was good for yourself the people that is suppose to support you throws everything you ever wanted to do are say out the window, and tells you to go back to the drawing dry erase board and that will mess any bodies head up

But what do we do live and then die that's it that's all we can do " I don't think so".... I'm the type of person that needs answers to a person are people thoughts and opinions just so I can know how they can sleep at night knowing that what they said is not encouraging are positive; knowing that they hurt feelings instead of being supportive.

It is almost like I've been around so much negativity to where I could not place myself in positivity for 5 minutes .. it's a lot to admit to and it makes no damn sense to go backwards instead of forwards it's almost like I'm not sure who I am. I 'm fighting myself everyday to be a good person, and love but I don't trust nothing I do are say I'm scared to step out on faith and allow myself to love. It's like I don't know nothing but hatred and as much as I try to make myself believe and do I can't it scares the hell out of me to think I'm actually a good down to earth woman a grown woman and some people just go out searching and not finding nothing at all and so their back to where they started, and then as they continue to make strategies, and find out that there is nothing out there for them but then it does not make them stop coming up with more strategies to make their lives matter because deep down they think their missing something are out on something causing that person to go backwards instead of forwards.

I am 33 yr old

I am married, and I have a daughter

I love my husband more then anything I can't put it in words

I've been used and abused

I 've been raped

I feel dirty and like no one cares for me

I have people tell me they love me how strong I am and what type of person they see when they look at me, and I also get that I don't give myself no credit

My question to that would be how do you feel different then before when you can't even fix your mouth to encourage yourself for you

How do you not make every bad decision define you

How do you paint a new picture a new future for yourself and live by that How? will be my question how do you live a life that is made to tear you down as a person

I guess you can say that everyday we have to see another day we must find it within ourselves to block everything that's negative and not good for us as people, and things will change in time as we go on taking everyday one day at a time

I guess that's what I must do and make the best of it because nothing is going to change that much, but I have to want change so I can have things I should already have what ever that means.

I'm really trying to make sense of it all but I still don't get it or have it but I guess as I allow myself to change somethings I'll have more up beat things to write about because right now I'm still off.

What I do know is true is I have to allow myself to make mistakes know that I'm not perfect and what you see is what you get and just expect it and move on that way I can sleep better at night then I have been for a while.

I want to get to a place where I'm happy and nothing I do is wrong

I want to get to a common ground and a comfortable place within myself where I'm not anger with myself as much

I want to be happy, bubbly, and have a smile on my face and not feel like I should not be smiling at all

I want to feel good about myself and not like the whole world is against me

One day I'll get to my happy place just pray I'll know when to go in and when to come out to breath in the air and look at the beauty outside with all god created in his own image.

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Rachel Geegan
See all posts by Rachel Geegan