Love in Theory

As I've gotten nice and comfortable in my 30s, I've decided to change the way I give and receive love. I'm a giver. I'm the kind of friend, mother and wife who will bend over backwards for the people I care about. I drop off forgotten lunches and invite friends over for wine when they're going through something. I do the little things that make life easier and more comfortable for those around me. If you know anything about the five love languages, you would be correct in assuming mine is Acts of Service. I've heard that we all show love in the way in which we wish to receive it, which makes sense and it's why I do the things I do.

Or shall I say the things I did. Let me tell you something, readers. I am tired. TIRED of pouring from this empty cup of mine. If you've ever been fortunate enough to have someone whose love language is Acts of Service in your inner circle, lucky you. You've probably found that something you really needed done was done for you with minimal to no asking. Maybe you mentioned being stressed about something and were offered a drink or a meal or a foot rub or back massage. Maybe one time you told them that you needed an oil change but didnt have time so they offered to take your car or change it for you. Those who understand this particular love language understand that it's less about the cost or value of the act and more about the act itself. The fact that you listened and then performed said act to be of service to this person is what the love language is about.

However, dear reader, being a person whose love language this is is...exhausting. I mentioned pouring from an empty cup and when I say empty I mean it is dry as a bone. Requiring love in the form of acts of service is, for lack of a better term, annoying. I will tell you why, from my point of view.

If the person you love requires physical touch, that's almost too easy. Almost all humans enjoy physical touch on some level, and hugs and kisses can suffice as well as hand holding, linking arms and laying one's head on the other person's shoulder. Do these things with a little enthusiasm and that person feels loved and appreciated. Nothing too tough there as long as both parties are comfortable with physical touch. If someone's love language is words of affirmation, telling them how great they are at something or complimenting them on their looks or outfit usually does the trick. Quality time is a little trickier as the operating word "quality" varies from person to person. Regardless, it's all about understanding what that individual enjoys doing and then doing it with them. Receiving gifts gets a little tricky as the gifts do have to be meaningful, but all that takes is getting to know the person and their likes and dislikes but, as with all of the other love languages, if you pay any attention at all, it shouldn't be too tough.

Acts of service, on the other hand, is a tricky one. It requires one to give love in a way in which they may not immediately benefit, a high level of selflessness and I think that a lot of people cringe at the idea of doing and possibly receiving nothing in return. I get it! That's a tough idea to grapple with. Many of us were taught to never do something without getting something for it.

So, in true Acts of Service fashion, I've decided to simply give up. I'm giving up on expecting people to love me the way I love them. I will no longer expect people to see something that needs to be done and think "I'll do that for her because I love her and she'll appreciate that I took that off her plate". I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt when I ask people to do something for me and they act put out by it. I'm tired of putting hours of my time into helping someone solve a problem only to have to also solve my own problems alone. I'm not having a good time and, quite frankly, I'm feeling like people love me in theory, but not in practice, and it's heartbreaking.

I don't know where I'll go from here. Maybe I'll move on to Quality Time or something else, something easier, something that people can perform once and then walk away and we both will be satisfied. I'm open to suggestions. All I know is, it's a crappy feeling when people make you feel like loving you is an inconvenience and the last thing I want is to make anyone feel like loving me is too much work.