deferred notes on faith deconstruction (a poem in five parts)
"there's a freedom in just entering a space without my body" ~ Ada Limón
1) air hunger that heralds May limping into
June, waiting for a baptism not unlike the
one I had at 15 when I knew nothing of self-love
except the axiom of surrender. “Until the end,"
I heard (my voice) rattling behind my eyes as
the water warmed me. I emerged vacuum-sealed in
a middle school field trip t-shirt wishing I didn't have
breasts.
//
2) the youth group girls who witnessed and whistled
at my shaky confession of sin innate and erring still
circle me on social media, flaunting their travels abroad,
their sturdy summer arms like sunning vultures, surely
regarding my disabled body as a tragic byproduct of my
atheism. What do they know of the weight of my limbs?
My new denial of the flesh.
//
3) I've always longed to crawl out of my skin, even
before the wasting muscles and tremors. There remains
a spiritual tonic of escapism - to depart, turning a burial
into a planting. Still, no longer can I buy into the
gimmick of the Church veiling humanity with simplicity
and shame. The last time I felt 'God' was in the ocean and
that was only because I felt small and weightless.
//
4) At the baptism reception with dripping hair, I was
(even then) deeply lonely in my own way, as all
young girls are. Playing at piety. I did not enter this
world with the belief that I deserved hell. In naked
rebellion, I arrived on a snowy Sunday in February.
2/25 at 2:25 a.m. I cried until I learned to walk, pensive
and punctured by the sharpness of life. I learned to
count the seconds between lightning and thunder
without envisioning a man in the sky. In first grade,
I felt bad for the Seventh-day Adventist boy at school who
couldn’t celebrate Halloween. His name was Moises and
he seldom spoke.
//
5) Inevitably drawn to the violent poetry of the pulpit
but too green to examine its underbelly of contempt
and self-loathing, the ubiquitous adolescent feeling of
displacement had me close my eyes to humanity -
increasingly terrified of sexuality. Truly, my mistrust of
this body began long before I internalized the mental strain
of chronic disease. It was the core of every sermon. Ironically,
in being 'born again,' I betrayed the constant evolution
of being, of loving, of me.
About the Creator
Erin Latham Shea
New Englander
Grad Student
Living with Lupus and POTS
Instagram: @somebookishrambles
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Comments (16)
Congratulations 🎉
Interesting and delicious content. Keep posting more
This is extraordinary! And by extraordinary, I mean superb excellence! A 'power-pack-punch' of a poem that takes no prisoners and leaves contenders down for the count. Absolutely brilliant and a well-deserved top story!
Congratulations on your top story.
So, so beautifully written, Erin. This is going to resonate with a lot of people.
This is a very emotional piece that uncovers all of the thoughts and feelings that describe how you feel. Remember, you are always you. Disability is hard to live with, but you are allowed to shine with the rest of us. Congratulations on your Top Story.
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Such an emotional relaying of trauma... beautifully done ❤️
I subscribed and hearted. The utter brilliance and emotional connection you have in such a deep spiritual way, to God, yet the religious subjugation you had to go through—-i am feeling sore in my heart from your words. Especially the part of feeling God in the ocean
Simply extraordinary
Resonates so much with me. They say this. But who says they say?
❤️, sometimes when I can’t think of the words I just put a heart. I too can be emotionless to pain and sorrow.
This was a fascinating poem 🧐 I hope you have a good week :) thank you for taking the time share your story, thoughts, and pains with us
Oh my. This resonated with me more than you could know. This is why poetry matters ❤️🙏
This tension between the intensely concrete and the abstract, dogma and ordinary daily indignities, is sustained throughout. Well done!
Gosh this made me so emotional! Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️