I get asked a lot about, “How to deal with a relationship.”
First off... just like any other relationship. There are disagreements. It's not always easy. There are the up and downs of it all around. It's about loving and giving yourself to each other, but also knowing you can be apart and that it can all end at any moment.
Here is my take on what a relationship should be.
Knowing who you are and what you like... before you love another. I really believe this. You should learn to self-love before you can love another. So ask yourself who you are... what you like and then what you want from another person that you will be spending so much time with. Make a list of who you are. What do you like?
Here is my list...
- Laugh, smile, dance and have fun.
- To be held, cuddle, kiss, hug, hold hands and go for long walks.
- Bubble baths, flowers, journals, reading, writing, intellectual conversations, just talking and joking.
- Yoga, meditation, essential oils, herbs, and tarot.
- To give and get massages
- Love the earth, am very in-tune spiritually
- Healing with crystals
- No drinking and no drugs
- Staying up late and getting up early.
- Camping, hiking, and fires.
- Long rides or drives
- Music... all kinds. But my go to is heavy metal or classic rock.
- Art, creative, JILL of most trades... master of many.
Writing is a big part of who I am. My first poem published in 1985. My second one in 1999.
I went to college for my almost-degree in English Lit and Native American Studies.
I was in choir and played in a band in high school... I sang.
I have been used, abused, sexual abuse as a child, raped twice, beat the fuck down, almost left for dead, homeless several times and I am a fuckin warrior.
It takes a strong man to deal with a broken woman who's ready for anything when healed!
Here are 5 basic rules for a healthy relationship.
Understanding: Just intuitive. A knowing of basic human needs and wants
Some may say this is mind reading. I do not wish for you to mind read how I feel. What I am talking about is thoughtfulness. If I must tell you how to love, then there really is no love. If you love and care for someone... you just love and care for them. I don’t know about you, but when I love, I love hard. I let them know by doing small little things for that person. Love should just be. It should not be complicated or hurt and make you cry. I know you sometimes take the good with the bad. But never make a person feel like they do not matter or feel shitty. Just know what love is and how to express it.
10 ways to show you care without money:
- Ask her to dance
- Know her favorite candy bar
- Affection anytime, anywhere
- Housewife perks
- Give a gift of a plant, not cut flowers
- Leave her little love notes
- Cook her a meal and help clean up
- Reach out to her and touch her lovingly because you want to... not because she asked you to.
- Look at her when she talks and care about what she said
- Brush her hair from her face or shoulder
Listen: To anything he/she has to say fully.
Some may say this is ass kissing. People just want to be heard and understood. Anybody can hear you. But very few comprehend and listen to what is really being said. Repeat back what is said so as to give the other person your time and they will know you are really listening. This one little thing is so important to me. I am hearing impaired. So if you do not look at me when you and I are talking, don’t be surprised if you look up and I am gone. I will respect you and listen as well.
For me, a family man comes to mind. I was raised by my grandma to be a homemaker. A caretaker. She showed me how to take care of a household. These are skills that not everyone has. There is no pay, breaks or vacation. No sick pay. I learned relationship skills as well. How to live with someone else for 40 years takes some work. The homemaker works hard and makes many sacrifices for things she may want or even need to make sure her family is happy. She would also like to be recognized for her hard work by her man. She expects him to take care of her needs without question... as Long as its reasonable.
Softly, use gentle and kind words. I can handle the screaming and yelling... although I wish not to.. Know how to disagree without hurting the other person and if you do it's alright. Because sometimes the truth hurts. Work on one problem at a time. One person at a time. If he/she has something they need to discuss do not turn it around to make it about yourself. Or somehow turn it around to take the blame or responsibility off of you.
Example: He/she may be feeling lonely or left out or feel like an inconvenience. Not feeling very loved can be a big problem in a relationship. So if the person expresses this... just listen. Do not bring up any problem you may have. Resolve it first. Then address the next... the issues can be worked out and everybody wins.
Alone time, boundaries and goals. Know that each one of you has hobbies and interests outside of one another. Be supportive of those things. Ask one another about their day. Do not demand to know the information. If he/she asks for something that is needed, is the game of a thousand questions necessary? Be supportive of goals and dreams of one another..cheer them on and be there for each other.
Example: A homemaker has been feeling a little cooped up. She asked her husband for money to take class or go hang with the girls. If the answer is “NO” too many times she may find a way to get out of the house. Then the husband may have to deal with an angry homemaker. A homemaker makes no money. So a little walking around cash would be nice. She also understands her husband works hard to support his family. But he also gets to leave the house everyday.
I am a mother. I am wife. Twenty-four seven this is my life. I work too. Even a homemaker needs a break.
The way not to hurt one another...
- Don't leave anyone hanging if you make plans. (life happens sometimes. Remember)
- Do not ask to compete for affection or withhold it as punishment either.
- Do not treat anyone like a child and they will not act like one.
- Do not hurt anyone by intimidation or to scare another. (not cool at all)
- JUST BE THERE. JUST BE THERE. Please JUST BE THERE.....
- Do not come home from work and not be a parent or a partner.
- I do not have all the answers. I take it one day at a time. There are good days and bad ones.
- But most important of all is never make one another feel alone. It will create loneliness and resentment. This may cause you to lose your way. If you really Love one another nothing can tear you apart. You will always find there is a way.
Bonus... more ways to show you care without spending money:
- Color her a picture
- Teamwork on a project
- Wash and comb her hair
- Wrestle, play fight or tickle
- Have a lay in bed TV-athon..cartoons..gangster movies.
- Go for a drive
- Spend the day walking the lakes in the summer or snow tubing in winter
- Sit and watch a sunset or sunrise
- Fire and food and foreplay in a sleeping bag... lol
- Cost a little money:
Cost a little money...
- Coffee shop
- Car or bike shows
- Her fav band t-shirt
- Blues club
- Mini golf
- Go carts
- Casino... not to gamble... the room, swimming, drinks, buffet, bowling and gift shops.
- A journal