Immemorial

I lost a friend yesterday. Her and I had been friends for 26 of my 29 years, and of her 33 years. She was a beautiful person inside and out that could always get a smile out of me if things weren't going quite the way I wanted in life. I originally wanted to sit and write as elegantly as I could, to try and grab the abstract with the tangible to create something that sounds beautiful and can perhaps be taken multiple ways.

That's not what I am going to do though. Because right now, in this moment, I don't feel the pretty words. I don't see the alliteration. I feel heartbroken and like I lost "family". I put family in quotations because I don't have those feelings of "no matter what they do I will always love them" towards my biological family. She was apart of the family I chose.

Nearly 12 years I spent going over to her family's house about every weekend to spend time playing with her, her brother, her step-dad, her mom and feeling like I was completely welcome among them, until I had graduated high school and moved away. Even after, her and her family stayed close in contact with me. Always inviting me to holiday parties, inviting me to random events, or coming across the state to visit and stay in touch.

I remember being 6 years old and her brother had recently been born, her myself and my biological sister all drew pictures and wrote cards and I remember her teaching me how to spell Matthew because she was looking at what I wrote and noticed I spelled his name Mathyou.

I remember her consoling me when I had a girlfriend in high school break up with me (in part because she was jealous at my friend and I being so close). She used to show up to (almost) every one my band's concerts with her friends and partner. I remember all the times she reached out making sure I was doing okay without any prompting.

For a very long time, a good 22 or so years me, her and her family were incredibly close, I was closer to them than just about anyone else in my life ever.

I also remember me and her brother having a bit of a falling out, due to band related issues. I kind of fell out of contact with the whole family for a solid 3 years with no connection whatsoever, other than seeing that she would still watch my stories on Instagram. At the time I felt justified in what I felt and did. About a year later I realized I had a lot of learning and growing I needed to do to work on myself. A year after that I spent time overseas, I did the work, (am still working on myself) I turned myself around, started making drastic positive changes in my life because I want to be a better person. A year after that, I started trying to rekindle my relationship with her brother, because god damnit I miss him, and his family so much. They are some of the greatest people I have had the pleasure to be involved with.

He and I started getting back on track with our friendship again, and I was hoping that in the near-ish future I could get back to the rest of his family and be welcome with them all again. Then there was radio silence. Large gaps between messages or calls. He was going through a tough time, I wasn't going to push anything. The friendship is still a little fragile.

Last night I get a message "Hey man. I'm sorry i haven't gotten back to you. Life has been a real fuckin bitch lately. I'm going to tell you this now before I forget to tell you, and I don't know if you've heard any news about it either. My sister passed away 2 weeks ago. I'm sorry to drop a bomb like that, I'm not sure how you'll take this. But I wanted to tell you."

I didn't understand, how could she be gone? She was only 33, what could have happened? It must have been something like a car accident, some massive trauma that was unavoidable. She is too young to die. Then I thought, "I've alienated myself so much from these people that I was closer to than anyone else, that I wasn't told until 2 weeks after the fact. How? How, could I be such an afterthought? Then I thought back on the last few years, and everything I had done. I never thought that I would never see her again. The last time I said goodbye would be forever, and have it be so long ago.

He and I spoke for a couple of hours. She ended up going into cardiac arrest from alcohol, fell into a coma and they weren't able to restart her heart. The family is beyond devastated. I reached out to her mom and her partner to let them know how much I love them and that I miss them all and want to see them again. I wish things had been different. There are a thousand, thousand thoughts of how I wish I could have been different in life so that I wasn't so alienated from them for so long. I didn't walk those paths, I walked this one, and this was one of the tougher milestones I have made it to.

I feel as though most of this is trite, and I should have put it in my journal rather than on a public site, but to change Hemmingway's writing to fit my needs "Everyone has two deaths, when they are buried in the ground and the last time someone says their name." Alli's first death for many, was two weeks ago, but for me was only yesterday. She will go on at least for as long as I survive. I don't believe in the traditional sense of the afterlife. I do know that according to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly after you die. So in a scientific way, she isn't gone, her presence has merely changed from a human vessel to something different, something I don't understand, but I take some comfort in.

There is so much more in my head I have to say, but it's a complete mess right now and all I know is,

I lost a lifelong friend yesterday.