"I Need To Explain Why Jessie* Doesn't Talk To Her Mother Anymore."

Dear Mrs. M*,

Mrs. M, you've been asking me why your daughter won't talk to you anymore. Jessie* is one of my best friends and so far, every single one of her close friends has refused to give you her information - and for good reason.

I have been trying to avoid this conversation for ages because I don't "people" well in person. So, like the asshole I am, I'm going to be the one that says things out loud to the universe because yours is truly a story that should caution others.

Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

It all started when Jessie started dating Alex*.

Do you remember when you saw that Jessie was dating Alex? I do. You were enamored with Alex—and so was she. I was honestly kind of weirded out that Jessie dated him, because she’s a rebellious type and he was Mr. Clean Cut.

Normally, I take that as a red flag. I’ve learned the hard way that clean cut conservative types rarely ever talk to people like me or Jessie unless their intentions aren’t quite stellar. There’s something not quite right with it.

But hey. Alex was a good Christian boy with a great family. He liked fishing and woodworking. He had a nice job in a respectable sector. As a parent, I get why you were thrilled with seeing her with Alex.

Also, I am pretty sure that you were hot for Alex. Yeah. I’m going to call you out on that. We all saw you ogling him.

As a parent, you should have noticed something wasn’t right with Jessie during that relationship.

Like, really. Did you not notice how depressed she looked? Did you not notice how her personality seemed to slough off, or how she just started to agree with everything Alex said? Did you not notice how much she withdrew from her friends?

Well, *I* noticed.

Alex was quick to befriend most of her friends, minus me. He quickly started to moan about how hard it was to be her boyfriend and I quickly picked up on the fact that he desperately was trying to use Jessie’s friends to pressure her to do whatever he said.

I didn’t like Alex. I started to see what his wide-eyed, innocent veneer really was. I knew what was going on and eventually, a couple of other friends picked up on this as well. We started to distance ourselves from Alex, and eventually, we found ourselves pushed away from Jessie.

Alex knew I knew. Do you know why I knew? I had an ex like Alex who talked shit about me to everyone and had the entire goth scene believing I was an abusive bitch. It takes being on the receiving end for someone like me to see that dynamic.

But, you were her mother. You should have noticed she was not doing well. She was literally crying alone in her room after phone calls. She stopped eating. She went from being a vibrant woman to a timid little mouse in front of her friends.

When Jessie broke up with Alex, everyone sided with Alex—including you.

Alex used others to coerce her into staying with her and then would subtly dig at her whenever she stood up for herself. She was being abused, Mrs. M. Jessie truly, truly believed that no one liked her by the end of that relationship. She needed people to back her, desperately.

She told everyone that he was making her feel worthless and that’s why they broke up.

Do you know what you did, Mrs. M?

You got angry at Jessie and told her that she needed to beg for Alex to take her back. You told her, point blank, that Alex was the best she was going to get. You were more upset about Alex not being in your life than you were about Jessie being abused, Mrs. M.

You told Jessie that Alex was amazing and that she should thank her lucky stars he deigned to choose her. It didn’t matter that she had to give up who she was, no! It only mattered that she fell in line with your vision of what you wanted with your man of choice.

Do you have any idea what it’s like for a child to realize that her parents preferred her abuser over their own flesh and blood? Do you understand how much of a deep-cutting rejection that is for a girl who is so vulnerable right now, Mrs. M?

I’ll let you in on a little secret that you didn’t know we all knew. We all knew that you didn’t like your daughter as she was. You “loved” her, but you didn’t like her. If you had the choice, you would have wanted a cookie-cutter girl who wore the right things, went to church, and didn’t wear Kikwear.

Trust me, we know. Jessie often asked us why you preferred Alex over her. You were falling all over yourself when Alex started to push her toward the Abercrombie aisle and called her an “embarrassment” for not wearing Vineyard Vines at his yacht club.

This isn’t new, though. She had, low-key, wondered why you preferred others over her for years. You were the one person she really, truly needed to hear supportive things from after the breakup. And you failed her at the time when she needed you the most.

Abusers don’t just groom victims; they groom their friends too.

This is what most people don’t realize until it’s too late: abusers groom the people around them to fall in line too. Alex had you wrapped around his finger, Mrs. M. Alex had tricked you into believing him with his clean-cut “Christian” veneer over your own daughter.

You were too busy chasing Alex to realize what you lost. In chasing after the picture-perfect wedding and grandkids you yearned for, you tossed out the real daughter you already had. You know…the daughter you fucking raised and should have been there for.

Riddle me this, Mrs. M. How could you live with a woman for 26 years of her goddamn life without realizing that the shit a random guy says about her isn’t true? How can you expect a girl who you’ve tossed out in favor of a relative stranger to want to speak to you again?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Jessie doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.

Jessie cut out a lot of people from her life after her breakup with Alex, and who am I to judge? I would have done the exact same. You can’t be friends with an abuser and his victim at the same time—and frankly, you’ve already made it clear who you chose when you yelled at Jessie.

I suggest you go fuck Alex the way you’ve wanted to—after all, he’s single now. Kind of. We found out he was cheating on Jessie for quite some time. I’m sure he’ll fit you into his schedule and rotation, sure.

Jessie doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.

She’s tired of trying to be the person you expect her to be, when you never really liked her for her own personality to begin with. She’s made the decision to leave you be with the wreckage of the relationship you destroyed. She will find her own chosen family, just like you found yours in Alex.

So, for the love of all that is holy, stop asking me where she is. I’m never going to tell you because I love Jessie enough to keep a secret and help her keep her peace.

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