I Messed Up and Ruined Everything

At first, Kirsten initially resisted telling James, her relationship coach what she had done.

James just heard that she had "wrecked" her marriage.

She couldn't look at James as she sat on the chair in his office, shaking and anxious.

She asked James to help her "fix it," but she didn't specify what they would be addressing.

Kirsten was unaware that as a coach, James had a lot of respect for anyone who is courageous enough to seek assistance for their problems.

Regardless of what they did or how humiliating it felt, if they had the guts to own their involvement and accept responsibility for making things right.

Kirsten was also unaware that many of the women James speak with believe they have "wrecked" their relationships. Most often, it was just a straightforward error. Relationships are not in any real danger until they manage it poorly.

No matter how great a relationship is, there will inevitably be errors, miscommunications, conflicts, and hurt feelings. It's a normal part of relationships.

You're going to say something hurtful to your lover. You're going to do something that aggravates him. When he needs you, you won't be there. You will mess up. He'll mess up!

But, what you do after making a mistake is what counts most.

This is what sets apart relationship "masters" from relationship "disasters," according to the Gottman Institute.

What NOT to do

Kirsten wasn't in a place to do the repair work when she came to James.

Because, she was still plagued with guilt and humiliation.

She was ashamed of what she had done and believed it had made her a bad person.

All too often, the first thing we do after making mistakes in our relationships is to criticize ourselves.

We make the mistakes about us.

We use our mistake to support the notion that we are incapable of doing anything right, that we ruin everything, that there is no hope, and that it is a miracle that our spouse puts up with us.

The mistake no longer relates to the strained relationship we previously shared with our partner.

It relates to our own difficulties with self-worth. Our incapacity to cultivate self-compassion is the issue.

It rarely works well when you approach your spouse from a position of feeling horrible and having to ask for his forgiveness.

Because, a good man doesn't require your humiliation.

A good man needs your accountability.

He must see that you accept responsibility for your actions and are working to make amends.

Don't make a mistake worse by making it about you and how terrible you feel.

Keep your focus where it belongs:

On healing your relationship with your partner.

Beyond Forgiveness

Kirsten believed that winning her boyfriend's forgiveness would fix everything.

It didn't, though.

He claimed to have forgiven her, but he didn't act as though he had.

He remained withdrawn. He was still mad, she could tell.

She was unsure of how to approach him about it since every time she tried, he became angry.

She wanted a way of magically undoing all that had happened so that things could go back to how they were.

Even if James could have stopped time for Kirsten and prevented her from making the mistake in the first place, it would only have postponed what would eventually happen.

Every couple makes mistakes. Every couple messes up. It will happen eventually.

Healthy couples don't count on never making a mistake.

They focus their efforts on figuring out how to improve and learn from their mistakes.

What might this teach Kirsten?

Here are some of the suggestions James gave her.

1. Find out how your actions impacted him.

Kirsten failed to give her partner space to talk about his feelings because she was too concerned about what making that mistake meant about her.

She was unable to hear him describe the effects of her actions on him. His upset feelings were often interpreted by her as proof that she was a horrible person.

Try to listen to your partner without letting your own regret or guilt rule the conversation. Recognize his emotions. Don't interrupt to justify yourself or make another apology.

2. Focus on what you can change.

What occurred won't go away just with forgiveness.

Finding out what he would like from you is more important than trying to win his forgiveness, despite how crucial that may seem to you.

Can you put plans in place to ensure that this doesn't occur again? Does he want a guarantee that you'll work on it what he wants? Was this the type of mistake that everyone makes? Will you be able to look back and eventually laugh about it when you've moved on?

Kirsten acknowledged that she had never asked what her boyfriend needs or wants from her.

She learned that he no longer wanted to speak with her about the matter because he was tired of the subject (and the ensuing emotional drama), not because he was tired of her.

Learn the Secrets of Building Passion and Re-igniting Desire with your man in this FREE Guide. It took me a broken marriage and being dumped to realize the mistakes I'd been making with my men throughout my life.

Trust me when I say, the rules James teaches made me a powerful woman and a better lover.

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