i hope you're mad i wrote this

This is a follow up to to this post.

I am struggling a bit mentally right now, and I apologize if this does not make a whole lot of sense. I find sometimes the best thing to do when we are upset about something is write about it.

Enjoy.

_

I'm probably going to take this back at some point.

I'm absolutely done.

I'm done.

The other day I started bawling in the car to the song "Bleeding Love". In the matter of three days it felt like my world was crumbling around me. That song isn't even one of the several that I've listed in multiple playlists that you'll never hear. Oh well.

Maybe you think I'm a nut-head, but that's okay.

You like to sit high on your throne and think you can do no wrong because you make your feelings clear, but that doesn't always change how people feel about you.

You've stated in the past that you'd never want to be with me, never have any romantic feelings - that has NOTHING to do with how I felt about you.

I fell hard, and you knew that. Did you use it to your advantage, or are you just another dumb boy who thinks commitment is the end of the world? God forbid, right?

It was a mistake to see you and bring up all those old feelings again. I guess when somebody says they miss you, maybe they don't actually miss YOU.

I thought about the other times we spent together, what it felt like to be with you, what it felt like to breathe you in and try to hold onto that moment. To do that again left a pit in my stomach, an ache in my chest, a tightness in my throat. I had spent so much time trying to come up with reasons why I should cut you off, and meanwhile here I was next to you again like nothing ever happened.

But something did happen, I felt things again, and I did not like how they made me feel. I let into my weakness as if it was the only thing left, and afterwards I panicked. I panicked because I knew deep down I had made a mistake, and that no matter what I did, or did differently, it doesn't make a hell of a difference in how you feel about me.

For the longest time I thought it was because you didn't know how to feel, and that maybe somewhere deep down you did feel something for me. That's not true. I'm not sure you're capable of feeling anything towards anyone - dislike me all you want for saying that.

My life has been a whirlwind of me hoping and praying for things to happen, and for once I thought if I prayed and wished and manifested enough that I would get what I want. I wanted you so badly, I want you to know that. I fell for you so hard, and I have no idea why.

I dreamed of you the night I got home after seeing you and woke up nauseous. Later that evening I cut you out for good, figuring if you really wanted me in your life you'll know where to find me. I always told you that, "you know where to find me." This is something that's true, you do know where I am - if I come outside if you show up, that's up for debate.

Sure, I'll still miss you. I miss you right now, that's why I'm writing this. But more so I wish you were mad at me like I'm mad at you, because if you felt SOME sort of way towards me that replicates a human emotion, that might make me feel a little better. It won't ease the pain, maybe it might make it worse - but at least it might help me sleep at night.

Goodbye forever.

_

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