How Talking to a Killer Can Change Your Life (and the World) For the Better

I've grown compassion for "evil" people.

"I only killed two people and it was a long time ago!" exclaimed one of my clients. I laughed, but not out loud. Sometimes my job is amusing. This character was an elderly inmate originally from a Slavic country, completely bald and covered in tattoos. What I think is particularly amusing is that he was convicted of killing only one person. Who was this mysterious second person?

I work in a federal prison. My job is to provide inmates with the skills to live a life without crime and, hopefully, motivate them to want to do such a thing. Before I went to the interview for my job, I worried that working in this environment, surrounded by pain and anger, would change me. For anyone who wonders the same, the answer is: yes. It will change you, but you won't know how. Some people become hardened and full of hate and pessimism. Somehow, I've been able to see the very worst of people and still believe people are, for the most part, good.

Almost every inmate in a Canadian prison will be released at some point. We're not the US, where some folks get "life without parole". Sometime in the future, the man who raped, beat to death and "ate" part of a woman will be walking on a street in a town near you. The man who decapitated his two-year-old daughter as she watched Teletoons might live in your sister's neighbourhood. With those as possibilities, I bet you'd be relieved if it was only a meth-addicted thief who moved in next to you! This is why I believe my job makes a difference. This is why I do my best every day. I hope that what I do can help your new neighbour not make you into his next victim.

"Changing lives, protecting Canadians". It's our motto that I take to heart while I'm at work. But, there's something more that's happened to me since taking my job. What I've learned about humans through my job can't be learned through reading, watching documentaries, attending psychology courses or even talking to most average people. This knowledge and understanding is something I take outside of my work and use in my everyday life. This can make a difference to every person I interact with, and hopefully has a ripple effect.

Even though I just said you can't learn this through reading, I'm going to share a bit of insight that I've gained from working with criminals. I hope it helps you and your loved ones live a better life.

1. People who commit crime want the same basic things and all other humans. Some people were just given a short stick for resources to get what they want. For example, some people have brain injuries that make it hard for them to manage impulses. Most people would choose to get what they want without hurting others if they could. (Note, there's a very small fraction of truly sadistic psychopaths who seem to have no regard for others and no feelings of guilt. No, it's probably not your ex or your boss.) We're all flawed humans. Show more understanding. Take your judgment down a notch.

2. Everyone thinks they have a good reason to behave the way they do, even people who do horrendous acts. You do "bad" things too and you justify these things so you can keep thinking of yourself as "good". The majority of criminals believe they aren't bad people either. When a person can't justify what they do, they become overwhelmed with shame. Shame leads to shutting others out and doing harmful things (like drugs) to cover up. Accept that every person is more than just one act. See people for their complexity: no one is all good or all bad.

3. Even the worst criminal was a little kid at one time. More likely than not, someone who hurts others was hurt as a child. I hear stories of tremendous neglect and abuse. Treating offenders badly doesn't lead to them "learn their lesson". It only enforces their belief that others will hurt them. It makes them hostile and defensive, and limits their empathy for others. Being treated as a human who deserves respect is the best way to understand how to behave (except for those aforementioned sadistic psychopaths.) Treat everyone with respect, even people you don't think deserve it.

4. There is no limit to the horrible stories of victimization. Statistically, you'll be a victim of someone, at some time. If you focus on the pain and injustice in life, you won't be happy. If the hurt in the world leads you to maintain self-pity, anger, fear, shame, etc., this doesn't punish the offender. It only leads to you having a lower quality of life, and ripples out to your family, your friends and others you interact with. Practice seeing the good in the world.

If you change the way you see people, you will treat them differently. If you treat people differently, they will respond differently. Do this every day, with every person, and you can change your world for the better.

P.S. The photo for this story is an actual note taped to the mailbox of friends of mine. These people are not criminals; they were just renovating their house! This response wasn’t a way to make a good neighbour or a good world.