Friends to Lovers but in Real Life.

I thought that we were both the same with absent fathers and mothers who was a drunk. I know that for me I felt like I couldn’t leave no matter how badly I wanted to or needed to. For you, you wouldn’t leave no matter what. you found solace in your unwavering loyalty as if the stability you provided could compensate for the lack of it in your own life. I wanted to get out of there and as far away as possible but no matter how far I ran, it was just not enough.

We were happy. Being Friends before falling in love made it seem easier but I don’t think it really was. At the end we didn’t have the same communication we did when we were just “friends”. I am not sure what started us. I used to consider you one of my best friends. I don’t anymore. I don’t think I know you anymore and that hurts the most. When I was losing control and New York was spinning. you were the only one who knew how to slow the city down. We were younger then. I would know you was lying when you said you were fine and I ignored it. I pretended that being with you didn’t make me feel like I was drowning.

During our years in a relationship, I changed and you didn’t. I was just starting to work through my PTSD and you weren't ready to deal with your own personal trauma. I was watching you turn into a person I didn’t recognize. you started to turn into your uncle, A man who you hated more than the devil himself. I left as I was crying,I felt heartless. I thought I was selfish. Like maybe I am making a mistake and I can help it. I kept think that maybe I should stay. I called myself crazy, for trying to push myself to my limits. I was simply putting a box in the backseat. Just because I left dosen’t mean I don’t have regrets.

You weren’t the same as you were before the pills. At the end you were more like the only person who you hate than the man you wanted to be. When you know, you know, I knew it was time to go. I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace. I knew that the only way I could leave was to leave meanly. I guess I just miss you even though you weren’t really gone things were just different and you were distant. I did learn a lot from you. This whole friends to lovers thing doesn't always work. At the end we were not the same people as we were before. We both hurt each other but somehow it never felt equal. Losing you was so interesting, like no I don'r want to speak to you, but I still think about you on your birthday every year.

I would put you before myself and I was doing it for years. When I begged you to allow me to finally make it about me. I wanted to being my old self again so badly. I was doing everything I can. I didn't know if I would feel like that forever but I was trying and you weren't supportive. At the end I didn't believe you when you made those promises. ''Lets stay together" " your the only person I care about" "I promise Nat, I'll change, I'll grow I'll be better" you never once changed or grew or was any better. I still remember the last thing I said to you. "You do not care do you? You don't give a single shit about my feelings or anyone elses?" You didn't have an answer to my questions and I knew it was time to become friends to lovers to strangers.