Fragility

I forget how fragile you are. Underneath it all, you're like me: cracked in a few places, but held together with some kind of adhesive. I love that about you; your ability to put on a brave face and power through whatever life has to throw at you. I guess that's why I forget how fragile you are. You've conquered so much inner turmoil, and have fought through so many external battles, and as a result, they've left you scarred but not broken.

I forget that you need me as much as I need you, but sometimes I think you forget that I am still growing. There are many years between us, years that I have missed you and you have longed for me. However, those years remain like a river between where we stand on opposite banks. You're older than I am, you've done more growing and learning than I have. Compared to you, I am a child. I want to grow up for you, but it will take time. I know that you have waited a while to find me, but can y0u wait a little longer for me to catch up to you?

Sometimes I wonder if we're too good together. We seem to mesh so well together, like puzzles pieces, or two colors that compliment each other in a painting. Much like a painting, there is pain in life, but we don't have to face that pain alone anymore. The thought of not having you in my life terrifies me, and I know that you don't want to think about going on without me either, but the thought comes and goes on occasion. Not because I want to leave, but because I fear that I am not enough for you.

So again I will ask: will you wait for me? I am just starting to grow, and I have so much more learning to do, but I promise that I will go as fast as I can. I want you in my life, no matter what that looks like. I know that I am not as strong as you are, but I ask that the next time you doubt how much I love you, you think again. That thought hasn't left my mind. I am so enraptured by you that there is no one else for me out there. If you were to die either today or tomorrow, I would keep going because of our daughter, but I wouldn't find someone new to "replace" you.

Yes, she would grow up without a father, but she would grow up knowing that you loved her more than anything in the world, and that I loved you more than you ever knew. I know that I'm good at showing you that I love you, but I can't do enough to show you how much.

I forget how fragile you are, yet you treat me with such care because you know how fragile I am. Through every panic attack that I've had, through every break down I've had, you've been there with kind words and a warm embrace. You've been there to hold me and kiss away my tears and tell me that I'm okay, or that everything will be okay. You give me tough love when needed, and tenderness all the other times.

I need to remind myself that just because you're strong and unbreakable, doesn't mean that you're without a few cracks and scars. I need to become a better person not only for you, but for our little girl. I'm not afraid of changing, but I fear that I can't do it fast enough for you. As we grow closer and closer to her due date, I can't help but wonder if I will be able to do all that I can for you and her.

I love you more than anything, and I'm sorry that I forget.