Fractured and Abused

2019 has been an extrememly tough year for me. It started out at the tail end of 2018, I was in an emotionally and vulnerable place in my life. There were so many things going on that did not seem fair, so when I met this older guy, I thought this was it, my life was finally going to turn around. As 2019 approached, we became extremely close to one another. Everything seemed to be going great, until the abuse crept in.

The abuse started out small and hard to recognize, but began to grow a garden in my already vulnerable and fractured heart. It blossomed and became even more unrecognizable. I began to accept behaviors from him that I would never have in the past. I became numb to the prison I was keeping myself in.

Most people don't believe they would be in or stay in an abusive relationship, until you are in one. The lines and standards you once had become blurred and it can be hard to recognize what you once thought you deserved. Being physically abused tainted my perception of love and how we are supposed to treat one another. It set me back and put me in an even more vulnerable place. I was putting myself out there every day and getting rejected even more so. My self worth and love for myself began to dissipate and I lost all of the self respect I once thought I had for myself. I was constantly defending myself as if I was fighting in this ultimately losing battle. I was always drowning, swimming against the current. As I looked at everyone around me, I felt like I was sprinting while everyone else was walking, and I could never catch up.

Even after this guy physically broke my collarbone, the body I once treated like a precious temple, I still wasn't ready to leave him. I somehow defended him and made the same excuses for him to convince myself this is love and he didn't mean it. There is no way someone who said they loved me would willingly try and hurt me, I told myself. Since he felt no remorse, I convinced myself he didn't mean it or try to do it. This is NOT okay. This mentality, in no world, is true or correct. For anyone who is going through emotional and/or physical abuse, I am here to tell you that I am a survivor. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is stronger then any light you thought you have once seen or been in. You can get out, and I want you to know you have permission to give yourself that way out. There always is someone to help you, even when you have convinced yourself there isn't. Speak out, and stand tall, even when you feel so small.