Finding A Purpose in Life: In My Own Words

September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month and in this story, I open up about the struggles I've personally went through and still go through today. It's understandable that suicide is a very taboo topic to discuss, especially on social media sites like YouTube. On there, for most YouTubers, they can't even utter the word or any variation of it, because apparently, YouTube will flag videos of anyone mention such a uncomfortable topic. How are people supposed to honestly talk about their own struggles about this, but they get censored? I believe that spreading awareness about it and sharing our stories could be very helpful to those going through the trials and tribulations of life. It's an uncomfortable topic, but making people feel uncomfortable, especially when it comes to suicide awareness, is necessary. Having open and honest conversations is a start and it shouldn't be demonized or repressed in the media or social media in general. It's okay to not be okay, because as I've stated in my previous social media posts, there's no such thing as a perfect life. We all go through dark and/or depressing moments in our lives. Being open and honest about how we're feeling is one of the ways for us to start a conversation about suicide.

In July 2022, the federally mandated crisis number, 988, became available to all landline and cell phone users: via phone, text, and chat. Formerly known as The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, by dialing 988, callers are connected to a crisis counselor where they may receive crisis counseling, resources and referrals. Since the launch, according to an article discussing this on kff.org, 988 has received almost 5 million contacts: 1 million of them were from the Veteran’s Crisis Line, a part of 988, with the rest consisting of 2.6 million calls, over 740,000 chats, and more than 600,000 texts.

For those who aren't familiar with who I am, I can give grace to you. Hopefully by the time I finish sharing my story, you'll leave with knowing at least a few things about me. My story will contain some disturbing details that may not be suitable for all readers, so please read at your own discretion.

I grew up in a large town in Texas called Arlington, which is west of Dallas. I'm the oldest of three children. I also have a younger brother and sister. My parents, or should I say, estranged parents, were born in West Africa and have been living in the United States since the 70s. While most of my childhood was filled with great memories, the household I grew up in was toxic and abusive. My estranged parents were very demanding and always expected perfection from me and my siblings. For example, they want us to make all A's in our classes every single time and if any of us brought home even a B or C in at least one of our classes, they would lose their minds. Plus, my folks never took any personal responsibility for their actions or apologize and instead blame us for their own problems. When you have parents or relatives who are from another country or continent, it's an abusive tactic that they use to shame their children for any reason. Also, they feel the need to compare their children to other people, which I always hated. It was difficult to talk about or ask for certain things to them. I wasn't allowed to be my true self around them. These instances led me to become a very quiet and introverted person.

When I was a young boy, I can remember a couple of things that I experienced and terrified me. For instance, one time, my own mother hitting me and punching me in the face. I believe I was around six year old at the time. Another situation I can recall as a kid is my father came home from work and I was upstairs playing video games. I'm not sure if he had a bad day at work, but he came upstairs and dragged me by the arm and down the stairs. I would suffer this kind of physical and verbal abuse from the time I was six to the time I finally left home to attend college at 22 years old. Let me rephrase that: they didn't want me to attend a trade or vocational school in Texas, the place I grew up for most of my life and made many friends there. Instead, they forced me to move to Arkansas, just to get out their hair. This is an abusive tactic. On a regular basis, I would be subjected to being overly criticized for the smallest things, such as the classes I took in grade school, my personal hobbies, and personal goals by the hands of the two people who were supposed to love and protect me. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I tried to stand up to my abusive father a couple of times, but he would always yell at my face and physically assault me. Those personal insults and threats towards me by them drastically lowered my self- esteem and confidence. I didn't have many friends in school and after I graduated from high school, there was so much pressure put on me to get out on my own. However, I was mentally not ready to take that next step.

I've been open about my mental health struggles for years. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in February 2012, but I was feeling depressed as far back as my late teens, due to the verbal attacks inflicted towards me by my estranged parents. When I finally came out to my estranged parents in an open letter in 2020, their reaction wasn't what I expected. I knew that I liked guys at a very young age, but I hid my sexuality from my own family and relatives for almost 20 years until finally coming out as a gay man in 2012. In their mind, having a openly gay son would be shameful and embarrassing. They would rather have a dead gay son rather than a living one. One point I made in that open letter was being from another country or continent wasn't an excuse to be abusive towards your own children. I've been estranged from them since 2011 and have no plans of reconciling with them. The reason for this estrangement is because they refuse to take any personal responsibility and they're always the victim when confronted about their wrongdoings. They don't respect my feelings and downplays them. Also, they don't value or respect my opinions. All they care about is their own opinions and feelings. Being constantly belittled will effect me forever. Never in my life they ever told me that they loved me. As I've gotten older, this claim wasn't surprising to me because parents who were born in another country or continent don't show affection towards their own children, verbally or physically. Their own ways of showing you love is buying you clothes, putting a roof over their head, and feeding you.

Fast forward to the middle of the pandemic and at the time, I was on a leave of absence from my job, but was still getting a paycheck every two weeks, which was good. I would return to work in late June 2021. During this downtime, I had very dark thoughts and on several occasion and wanted to take my own life. Being isolated from my coworkers and the physical and verbal abuse suffered in the hands of my estranged parents were the reasons why I felt this way. I've never felt this lonely in my entire life. It also made me question everything and made me deal with self doubt, as if I wasn't good enough for anyone or can't achieve anything. While we're on the subject of being open and honest, I also considered cutting myself with any sharp object, because all I wanted to was the pain to just go away. True happiness in life is what I wanted there most and to be fully understood by others with dignity and respect. I also wanted to be loved and be reminded by others that they'll always support and love me, no matter what. My younger siblings were a lot loved than I was. The feelings I mentioned in this story are the reasons why I feel like this today. However, by sharing my story and experiences, I want to remind people who are currently struggling though similar things I'm currently going through that it's never your fault, nor responsible for your parents' issues. It's also not your fault for going through genuine emotions and feelings, which is normal. You are human and it's okay to feel sad and feel uncertain about this thing we call life. Life in general and this world moves so fast. Be sure to take time for yourself and focus on the healthy things that matter to you. For me, it's listening to music, riding my bike, and making content on social media (specifically cosplay related videos on TikTok).

In closing, if you're having distressing thoughts, please reach out to a professional for help or call 988. It's never shameful or embarrassing to ask for help. If you enjoyed this story, please send me a one-off tip at the end of this story, big or small. Plus, subscribe to my page and follow me on social media. The info to those pages will be found in my profile. Finally, I want to genuinely thank the many people who left kind comments on the story I wrote about celebrating five years as a creator on Vocal. Thanks for also making it among the top stories for the month of August.