DITTY

Chichi has many names. It means many things.

Some say stunning. Some say Vulgar.

Some say Pretentious. Some say Perfect.

For me, chichi means one lot of many things.

A boon that can’t be redeemed.

A cast that can’t be lifted.

I know.

We are not meant to be together, but my mind and heart are divorced in this frameless relationship. We may not be conventional but we are never meant to be so. We are connected on how unconventional we are and how honestly terrible we are.

We do not have a war of texts, but we win the peace in communicating and connecting. Sometimes it is surprising how simple words are solacing and other times it is shocking how the silent words are aching to the heart.

We are NOT a couple.

We are just two souls trying to get closer atom by atom. We have never converted our distance into meters and miles but moments and memories. Do you think is that why I feel like we are missing what we never have? Why do I miss touching that I never held? Why do I like something I once hated? To show compassion. To care. Maybe that's why we never exchanged rings, or hearts but laughs and glances.

Maybe that's why we never were a couple.

We are not Romeo or Juliet. I have always thought poems are pathetic. and a terrible cliché way of showing feelings and emotions. I also argued in my judgment-free court of thoughts that Shakespeare had too much time to waste on love plots, grammar, and tongue-twisting words to write his plays. But If I had to confess I am guilty of underestimating the pain and labor behind his words and plays. Now, I know why one would want to write such forbidden narratives. Now, I know why one would want to ode their forgotten memories.

Nevertheless, we are not Romeo or Juliet.

Have you ever thought of seeing something so breathtaking that even God wonders if it was his creation? I feel so when I see the curves this nature possesses, the depths the oceans sink, and the height the sky hikes. And I felt the same when I saw when your bright cheeks subtly adorn a wicked smile that filled my dark thoughts. Yes, wicked it is!

I feel your smile is a mysterious spell to lure flawed souls to redeem. But I don't want redemption. I don't want your wonderful presence. It abandons my selfishness to be what I want to be. It rebirths my compassion which I feel I am not capable of.

Maybe that's why we WON'T be a couple.

But as Nature is my witness, I wanna confess.

I know it is the day of your birth. But I want to rob your wishes for my sake.

SO.

I wish I knew how to keep talking to you.

I wish I knew how to stop talking to you.

I wish I knew how easy it is like you.

I wish I knew how deadly it is to miss you.

BUT.

I am not lost without you.

Maybe I am not a winner in this play anymore.

Maybe life is not magical anymore.

Maybe I am not a fantasy creature anymore.

STILL.

I wish I knew how to live with you.

I wish I knew how to forget you.

AND STILL.

For me, Chichi means a soul that can’t be touched.

For me, Chichi means a devil that can’t be admired.

Here, I wait in my hell with my demons.

Holding your bright memories.

Possessing my dark thoughts.

Soulless. But full of life.

Without. But for you.

I really wish I knew how to forget you, my Chichi!

~

Your Devil.